Thursday, March 31, 2011

Part 4 of Post #200: One Of Our Biggest Blessings On This Journey.

Part four of post #200. I was nearing the end of my treatments when Bro. Jones called one day and asked Wendell if he could meet him at the bank latter that day. He didn't give Wendell a reason so we began to speculate that maybe the church was giving us another love gift or maybe Wendell was needed as a witness for some legal papers or something. Anyway, Wendell left to meet Bro. Jones at the stated time. A little while latter he called me to tell me what had transpired. He had met Bro. Jones at the bank because someone wanted to give us a gift, anonymously. They went through the Church and Bro. Jones so as to stay anonymous to us. We still to this day do not know who this person is. They told Bro. Jones that they felt like it was what they were suppose to do...give us this gift. Wendell called me that day to tell me someone had gave us a gift and said they wanted us to use it to pay Doctor bills, or use it for our business, or use it to take me on the best vacation I had ever been on, they didn't care how we used it, they just felt like they needed to give it to us. Wendell said guess how much it is? I said I had no idea, how much? He replied it was $10,000.00 dollars. $10,000.00 dollars! There was that number again. My thoughts went immediately back to the original donation to the Fellowship Tract League. There is no doubt in my mind that God was once again rewarding Wendell for his obedience. I will always feel God placed that gift on the heart of the person who gave it to us. I will always feel God had a specific reason for the amount being $10,000.00, To show us He is Faithful and Just!!!! I cried for days after that and am still crying today as I think about it. My medical bills had piled up quickly. It was looking like, after the insurance had paid their share, we were going to be left with about twenty five thousand dollars of bills to pay. I tried not to worry about them and would think we would start paying when we could and would pay what we could probably for many, many, years until it was paid off. I felt so guilty for adding this financial burden to the list of burdens my family was already enduring because of me. I knew these bills would be a part of our lives for the rest of our lives. It was getting close to the end of the year and the hospitals and different places started calling saying if we would pay a certain reduced price on our bills with them they would count it as payment in full!!! They wanted to get some kind of payment and be able to clear our and other accounts off their books before the end of the year. Wendell made agreements with several of them. Because we had recieved this money, we were able to pay the lump sum they were requesting, which lowered the total amounts we owed all together. Without this money we would have had to pay small monthly payments and would not have gotten the reduced price. I sat at the kitchen table soon after that with my check book and the huge stack of bills. As I wrote each check I cried like a baby!!! I felt like shouting over the goodness of God!!!! Since we had received that money, we were able to meet the request of some of the Hospitals and other places that just wanted our account closed before the end of the year, and sent them a one time reduced payment. There were others that I had to pay in full. When all was said and done, the twenty five thousand that we were originally going to be left owing was now about twenty five hundred.!!!! Because of this gift we no longer have huge medical bills hanging over our heads. Don't get me wrong, I still frequent the Doctors office fairly regularly and I also have the PET scans every six months which have left us owing some, but it is nothing like it would have been without the anonymous blessing of the gift. We are now able to stay somewhat caught up on my medical payments and typically have an outstanding balance of somewhere in the neighborhood of $2,500.00. As I said when starting this #200 blog entry....I had been a little uncertain about sharing this openly here for fear the devil would use it to spawn some since of hurt or jealousy in someone who has gone through a similar trial in their lives and God did not "show up" with this blessing for them. I don't understand why God has chosen to be sooo good to me, I just know I praise His Holy name for His unending Grace and Mercy to my little family. The journey we have faced with this ugly word "cancer", has been a very long and difficult one. It has altered our family in ways we never knew. We, every day, face the effects of it. We have faced the very real physical pain and agony of this disease. I am left physically changed for the rest of my life. I have scars that are very visible, I have a speech defect that leaves strangers and even friends wondering if this journey has left me a little "not right". I have physical aches and pains daily that I never had before and have been told will be with me and will possibly get worse over time. I have difficulty swallowing and opening my mouth that makes eating difficult and even impossible with certain foods. I feel as if I almost looked death in the face at times on this journey. But somehow, God, through His marvelous, ever Sufficient Grace, has brought me and my little family through this battle and to a place where we can look back and see clearly His working in our lives!!!! I have no explanation as to why God lead us through this in the manner He did, with the added and very unexpected and undeserved blessings along the way. Just as I don't understand why He called my Mother home the day before I was to start this walk. Life is soooo full of valleys, so full of ups and downs. None of us can see into our future here in this life. We face unexpected hurts, loneliness, and pains, it almost seems continually on this walk. But walking with Him makes the valleys "do-able". He can give unimaginable grace and peace to us as we go through the difficult stages in our lives. During the bad times we learn Who is in control. We learn to lean solely on Him. We learn that He is our Hope no matter the outcome of the situation. We learn that through prayer and yielding to Him we can gain an unimaginable Peace in the middle of a raging storm. I don't want this story to end here. I have one more post that I want to write to bring an end to this never ending post #200!!!! So I hope to be back in a day or two to post the last one in this "series".....

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Part 3 of Post #200 Then Came Cancer

Part three of Post #200.

It had been several years since we had experienced the blessing of God that I have written about in the first two posts of post #200. I had not, and will not, ever forget those blessings of God, but we had long since spent that money and only thought of that time in our lives from time to time.


Then the dreadful "c" word entered our world and we were in for the fight of our lives... The fight for our life.


I'll never forget the night we told the girls and Aaron I had cancer. We had waited until we had no choice but to tell them. I couldn't stand the thought of them worrying over me one second longer than they would have to. It was a difficult time. We told Josh and Stephanie and the rest of our family the next day, which was Sunday. It was hard watching them hurt, not knowing what the outcome would be. I wanted them to understand that God was in control and He had a reason for everything that happens and as long as we had His Grace we would be able to deal with whatever was to come. I wanted them to understand that the cancer was not in control...God was...if He wanted me to live 10 more minutes, 10 more seconds, or 10 more years, that was how long I would live. We had to trust Him.

I remember being so sick while going through the surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy. During this time we were receiving medical bills that our insurance was not paying anything on. I would spend countless hours on the phone and on hold with a representative from our insurance. Every time I would talk to them they would tell me some requirement that I had failed to meet. I would only learn of these new requirements each time I would call. I would get off the phone and start the process of meeting each new requirement. I remember thinking how something needed to be done with our health care system. It was a terrible feeling to be so sick, actually feeling as if you may be on deaths doorstep, and having to argue with your insurance company who you had paid a large premium to, on time, every month, to get them to live up to their end of the deal and pay the bills!!!! I would be so sick and so fatigued and would still have to deal with this. By this time I was getting threats to be turned over to collection agencies. There was no way we could pay the mounting bills. It took about eight months and me finally getting ugly with a supervisors supervisor to finally get them to start paying their portion of my medical bills that had piled up and where over one hundred and sixty thousand dollars. During this time so many people were helping us in so many ways, including financially. People would hand Wendell money and tell him they wanted to pay for our gas to get to Nashville. People would give him money wanting to buy his food and what ever he would need while staying in the hospital with me. People would hand us cards that when we opened them contained money to help with our struggles. Churches that we have attended and some we have never attended wanted to help and would send us love gifts, time and again. I can't control the tears now as I think of the goodness of the people God has created!!! I don't think anything we could do or say could ever convey how blessed we were during this time!!! God is soooo good!!!! People with their own struggles would want to help us and would give us what I know they could have used for their own needs. Oh how I pray God has paid them back tenfold!!!! Once again ....The story could end here, where the blessings were more than I could ever deserve. But it didn't.....God was not through....

Monday, March 28, 2011

Post # 200 Part 2 ... The Middle Men

Part two of post #200......
It was almost Christmas...almost time for Wendell's annual Christmas bonus....almost time for our annual "crack of dawn" shopping trip.....



Wendell had received a bonus at Christmas every year, since he had been working for the company he was working for. It was always somewhere between $2,500.00 - $3,000.00. We always looked forward to getting this check and considered it a huge blessing. We would spend some of it on Christmas shopping, some on paying off bills, and we would always try to use some of it to be a blessing to someone else who was having a more difficult time. Well, this year when he received his check we couldn't believe the amount!!! Yeah, I know what your thinking....the Lord had provided...and your right.... only ......the Lord had provided over and above what He had asked for!!! Wendell had done some additional work that they wanted to reward him for. His check was for $15,000.00!!!! The Lord had not only provided the amount He had asked of Wendell, but he had also blessed us with $5,000.00 to do with as we wanted!!!!! We had never had that much money in our lives. At the time we received this money there was a lot of things we could have done if we had viewed it differently. The $15,000.00 would have paid off a HUGE portion of the bills we owed at the time and could have made a big difference in our living pay check to pay check. But we never viewed it that way. We know the Lord gave us that money to give to the Fellowship Tract League. We were just the middle men that God blessed with the opportunity to receive the tremendous blessing that comes from being willing to be used of God, and from being willing to give. Wow, you can only imagine the joy that filled our hearts when Wendell was able to write that check and put it in the offering plate!!!! You can only imagine the joy, and I must admit, pride, I felt in knowing Wendell was open to listening when the Lord speaks to him and obedient in heeding the Will of God. Wow, it's so amazing to see the way God works!!! He had asked for something that within Wendell and my own means would have been impossible to accomplish. But God had not ever intended on Wendell or I accomplishing this on our own. He was just letting Wendell know He was going to use him to get this needed money to the tract league. When you begin to think even farther back...I wonder how God must have spoke to, or placed it on the heart, of the one who was making the decisions about bonus amounts!!!!

We didn't tell everyone about this, then, because it was not something we wanted to brag within ourselves of, but we did share it with our kids as a lesson to how if your willing God can use you, and what He asks for, He can and will provide!!!

Well, this part of the story could end here, but it didn't. There is more to tell of this awesome, amazing God we serve!!!

That next year life continued on as usual. At the end of that next year I gathered all our tax records together and took them to our accountant to prepare our income tax return. We had NEVER got back more than $3000.00, even when everyone we knew was getting back 6 & 8 thousand, even when all our kids were "countable." That next year when we got our return back from the accountant we were astonished to see we were going to receive a return in the amount of $10,400.00!!!! The first thing I thought of was Wendell being obedient to giving what the Lord had asked and provided, I knew in my heart that this was the Lord's way of rewarding Wendell for his faithfulness and willingness to serve God. I don't know if this seems like much to others but to us it was Wonderful!!!! We have both worked hard for what we have. The Lord has always provided, and we have always been able to find jobs and have had the health and strength to work hard. We both started working at young ages, I was 15 when I got my first job and up until the cancer had always worked. We don't have college educations, so up until Wendell got the job he was working at this time, we had both always worked, first in the fast food industry when we were young, and then in factories. So to receive that amount of money to us was like winning the lottery!!!! We were able to put a down payment on a camper we had been dreaming of, pay off some additional bills, and, as we had always tried to do, give a portion to someone having a rough time. Boy!!! God was sooo good to us!!!!! I know in my heart that God told Wendell to do something, give the money He was providing, to the Tract League, Wendell heeded the voice of God, and God has rewarded our family again and again for Wendell's obedience. Wendell could have second guessed everything, deciding that maybe he just "thought" God was speaking to him. That huge amout of money could have really advanced our family financialy. But he didn't. Everyone has always said "You can't out give God". We have had our financial struggles over the years just like most normal people. We have never had a large savings account but God has always provided our needs. I am in awe of the goodness of God, each time I think about these events...God speaking, Wendell obeying, God being Faithful. This Holy and Faithful God owes us nothing but through His goodness has time and again rewarded our family for Wendell's obedience.

This story could end here....but it doesn't......I got cancer...our lives began to change...Part 3 of Post #200 to continue telling of one of the biggest blessings God provided on our journey....coming soon....

Saturday, March 26, 2011

BLOG ENTRY # 200

I noticed the other day, when posting my last blog entry, that the next one, this one, would be post number 200. I thought about how, when I started this, I would have never dreamed how important it would become to me (and to Wendell when I was sick.) It brought me comfort, when I was ill, to know I could reach out and share what was going on with me physically, to all of you, and you would immediately be there to pray for each situation. Wendell, I know, had a lot of lonely days and nights sitting by my side while I was going through treatments or in the hospital, that being able to communicate through this blog with you and to receive a response helped to keep him going. In all honesty, being able to communicate back and forth with so many of you was what gave Him the strength to keep facing each day.
When thinking of Post #200 one thinks "Wow!!! that's kind of a milestone." One that should possibly be celebrated with an awesome, heartfelt, deep thinking, entry!!! LOL!!! I mentioned in the last post how God had blessed Wendell and I and our family in ways that I have not spoke of here but would when I felt the Lord was leading me to. In this post I am going to share one of the biggest blessings the Lord allowed us to experience on this journey. I have quite frankly not shared it openly for fear the devil would use it to spawn some since of hurt or jealousy in someone who has gone through a similar trial in their lives and God did not "show up" with this blessing for them. I don't understand why God has chosen to be sooo good to me, I just know I praise His name for His Goodness, Grace and Mercy to me and my little family.
Well, before we continue you may want to fix your coffee and grab a sandwich because to relate how awesome God is, I can't bring myself to leave out one minor detail, so this may be a long one!!! You see to relate this story we have to go back several years....long before the ugly "C" word became a member of our little family....we have to go back to a time when we were just ordinary people... living un-extraordinary lives...working hard to make ends meet.....OK maybe that's a little too dramatic!!!LOL!!! But here we go...............................

Several years back, Bro. Jones, our pastor, started announcing in Church, that in a few weeks he would be taking up a special offering to help with the purchase of a new printing press for the Fellowship Tract League, (a mission work that our church faithfully supports.) For those who may not know, us saved, independent baptist, use little pamphlets called "tracts" to help spread the wonderful gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ. These tracts are printed and given to us at no cost, the Fellowship Tract League and others like them are non profit and operate on donations and by great Faith!!! We are able to either hand these tracts directly to others or leave them places where they will be read, such as on the tables in our dining room at the store. They are also shipped to missionaries all over the world to be used as an additional aid in telling others, who may have never even heard of Jesus Christ, about the wonderful gift of God's son. We feel as if by contributing to this wonderful work, we, in a round about way, have a part in the extraordinary blessing of spreading the gospel around the world and of hopefully contributing to leading others to Christ!!!! I am not sure how much this printing press was going to cost, but I do remember that Bro. Jones' goal was for our church to contribute $100,000.00.
Wendell never does anything in a small way...he goes about everything he does with a huge heart and GREAT ambition. So, after Bro. Jones' announcement one day, Wendell asked me if I had been thinking about it. I replied that I had and he then asked me what I thought we should contribute. I said I didn't know, but secretly I was thinking $1000.00 would be wonderful, but we would really, really, have to cut back and save every penny we could get, and even then I wasn't sure it was a goal we could obtain. I then asked him, somewhat hesitantly, what he was thinking. I say hesitantly, because his over ambitious nature can be financially frightening at times!!!! Well, he was not going to disappoint me this time!!!LOL!!! He started out by saying, "Don't freak out. But the Lord has laid an amount on my heart that I know we are suppose to give." I said ok, just tell me. His reply was .....$10,000.00. Well needless to say I didn't freak out, after all you can't give what you don't have. I just kind of smiled at what I thought to be the ludicrousy of that amount. We didn't even have a tenth of that in our savings and there was just no way!!!! He might as well have said a million dollars, it would have made just as much sense!!! I did, however, feel the need to ask, so I asked him how in the world he thought we were suppose to do that? I mean, I love to give too, but we had to be realistic here!!! To this he replied he didn't know, he just knew that was the amount the Lord had laid on his heart and he KNEW that was what we were suppose to give. Needless to say, I didn't loose any sleep over this, I just thought he had to be somehow mistaken in the direction the Lord was leading and if by some weird chance he was right, then the Lord would provide.

Well, I see now that this story is way to long for one blog entry or to even write or read in one sitting, so I will pause here. Kind of like where I am leaving off.... we just continued to live our uneventful lives and I tried to, as hard as it was, to start putting back a few dollars here and there on my own, (notice the key words, on my Own, I was definately not trusting in the fact that the Lord could actualy provide what Wendell said He had placed on his heart.) Anyway...Part 2 to blog #200 coming soon...after a shower, some laundry, house cleaning........

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Two Years Later. He Is Still All. I Am Nothing.

Two Years ago today!!! My first cancer surgery.
My Mom had suddenly and unexpectedly passed, on Monday night at about 7:00 p.m. We spent that entire day at St. Mary's Hospital in Knoxville, hoping for a miracle, but it was not the Lord's will. He was ready for her and called her home that evening.
Wendell and I left the hospital in Knoxville, drove home to Oakdale, packed our bags and headed out to Nashville. I'll never forget that drive. So many emotions, yet feeling so numb.
We spent the night in a hotel, rose early, and arrived at Vanderbilt at about 6:00 am. We had checked, under the circumstances, on postponing my surgery. The cancer had already grown quite a lot and if I postponed, it would be another month before they would be able to reschedule me. The family insisted I go ahead with the surgery and we had Mom's funeral that weekend when I got out of the hospital.
That was the beginning of our journey and what I think of as "our cancer year". Pretty much everything in our lives, that year, 2009, revolved around fighting my cancer. It was a hard year and one I hope to never repeat, but God was faithful and merciful to my little family and we came through it all with a stronger love and bond. He taught me many lessons that year. When I was going through the radiation and chemo I was so fatigued and sick quite often, that I had plenty of time to "Be Still And Know That He Is God!!!" He brought me quickly to the point of relying solely on Him and knowing He is in control. I realized more than ever before how He is ALL and I am nothing. I know to some it may sound crazy, but if I could have changed the year of cancer, I would not. The closeness and communion that came from relying every minute on His Grace, brought unimaginable Peace to my heart and soul. That experience was heart changing and one I would NEVER change if I could. The guidance He provided was, I know, a direct result of all the prayers that were going up on my behalf from all of you. Some, I still to this day, do not know personally, but took the time to think and pray for me. I am forever humbled and grateful for that. There were so many times when God made the direction I was to take crystal clear. There was one time, I will forever regret, that He made His will clear to me, yet I did not heed His will and went the way my Doctors were suggesting. I know, for that, I suffered things I would not if I had had the courage to stand my ground. Anyway, there are some things that the Lord has done for me and my family through this experience that I have yet to tell here, but plan on sharing when I feel it is His will that I do so.

2010 I feel was my "year of recovery". I spent most of 2010 recovering from all the treatments and gaining some energy back. 2010 was filled with many Doctor visits and several scares. I began, once again, to live my life.

Now, here I am, two years later!!! Still living my life and loving my little family. God has been sooo good to me. So many others with my diagnosis, have not had the same outcome. I am definitely not the same person I was prior to two years ago and hearing those words "You have cancer." I have definitely changed mentally and physically. I deal daily with health issues I didn't have before. I have to admit, it is not always easy to deal with these symptoms and I am still trying to investigate and get to the bottom of what my body is trying to tell me. But I am soo grateful to be here, and know that it is a direct response to those prayers that went up for me.
I thank-you for helping me to have life and to live.

Mom

Mom was there, of course, the day I was born.
After having babies of my own, I can imagine her joy.
I can see her changing diapers and feeding me daily, and caring to my every tiny little need.
Mom dressed me in the cutest little outfits, and took many pictures of the special occasions, like Easter Dresses and Christmas outfits.
Mom kept me home until starting first grade, she always said kids spend enough time in school, there is no reason to send them earlier...kindergarten was optional back then.
Mom came to every school function I can remember being involved in.
Mom walked most places with us, since Dad drove the car to work. This of course, at the time and place, the 70's, in Southern California, was not trashy or unusual, it was very much the norm for everyone.
Mom would walk, with us in tow, to the store, and as a child I always looked forward to the privilege of eating lunch at one of the stores' lunch counters. Mom always let us choose what we wanted to eat.
Mom would get the groceries or what ever supplies we had come for and we would start the walk back home. I remember one time we were on the sidewalk that ran in front of the grocery store. There were two people, walking in front of us, doing funny looking things with their hands. I asked my Mom what they were doing and she said they were deaf and were talking with their hands!!!! That sounded so exciting to me and I tried as hard as I could, to get close enough to them, to hear their hands talking!!!! They finally went in a store and I never got to "hear" a word!!!!!
Mom was always there sitting in the audience at every school function, talent show, play or whatever, that I was involved in. Like I already mentioned, she usually would walk to these affairs in the hot southern California sun.
I can't remember a birthday that did not involve a home made cake and a party or sleepover.
I very rarely received a toy or a present when visiting any store throughout the year. But for my birthday or on Christmas I always KNEW, what I asked for I WOULD receive. I never remember one occasion that I did not receive the item I had asked for.
In the summer, Mom would walk with us, or, as we got older, give us the money and allow us to walk to the county swimming pool to spend the day playing in the water and sunning ourselves for hours before walking or riding our bikes back home.
Mom gave us the money for admittance and of course some for snacks and let us ride our bikes to the daily summer movie matinee.
We learnt how to bowl and would be allowed to go to the local bowling alley to play a couple Saturday night games.
Mom and Dad took us to Disney Land, Knotts Berry Farm, Magic Mountain, Sea World and all the other amusement parks located in the vicinity of where we lived in Southern California. We would go at least once a year to at least a couple of these places.
I don't remember a lot of hugging and kissing or voiced "I Love Yous". There were very, very, few times I can think of where these things were said and done. There was not a lot of hugging or compliments handed out, I believe Mom thought more on the things we needed to hear that would make us into better people. Mom wasn't a lovey- dovey, huggy- kissy, person to me.
However, on the other hand, Mom was a very strong woman who took care of her family the way she knew how. Our house was always spotless, nothing ever out of place. Breakfast, even if it was just cereal was made, dinner was always on the table, ready and waiting when my dad came home from work. Our clothes were always washed and clean and ready to be worn. We never lacked anything we needed physically. We were taught to clean our rooms and make our beds and mow the yard, but we actually assisted very little with all the things Mom did and that it took to run a five member household.
After Moving back to Tennessee, when I was fourteen years old, Mom not only continued, as a Mother, doing the things at the house, she also began working outside the home. As with everything Mom did, she took her jobs seriously and was a dedicated, professional employee.
My Mom was a good woman, who did the best she knew how, with everything she did.
Mom was often embarrassed by the fact she did not have a high school diploma. Mom had had to quit school in the eighth grade to help at home, while her Mother was ill and she had 10 other siblings. I have to admit, I always felt sad for her when she would mention not having a high school education as if it made her feel less intelligent. To me, that thought was ridiculous!!! Mom may not have had all the "book" intelligence that one can acquire, but Mom was a very intelligent lady, who through her life time was able to learn to do and accomplish anything and everything she set her mind to.
Mom was not real happy when I first became involved with Wendell, but over the years they became each others biggest fans!!!LOL!!! Boy, would she be proud of him now if she had been here for the last two years!!! I can almost hear her singing his praises!!!!
Until you have been there, the loss of a Mother is a feeling that is hard to understand. Loosing the one person who had been involved in pretty much every aspect of your entire life is difficult to come to terms with at times. I miss Mom more today than that dreadful day she left us two years ago.
My joy becomes somewhat restored in the knowledge that we will someday see, speak, and continue on, together!!! I Love You Mom!!! Sept. 12, 1942 - March 23, 2009


P.S. I was always so proud of her beauty!!! She was 66 years old but did not look or act old. She use to ask my advice on her wardrobe and what she was wearing. She was always a very stylish lady. She would always ask me "Do you think I look like I am trying to dress too young?" My reply to her was always the same.."NO Mom, you look great!" (I don't understand these women, who, when they reach a certain age, think they have to start wearing elastic waist, polyester, with large designs,). So my answer was always the same to her ..."Mom you look beautiful!! When you get to that age where you feel the need to start wearing what looks like your kitchen curtains or table cloth we will need to talk!!!" LOL!!!!





Saturday, March 19, 2011

Colonoscopy

Well, I went this past Wednesday for the most dreaded test....a colonoscopy. I have had problems for years, even before the cancer, but was way to scared to go for the test. I now feel as if I have no choice, in order to keep my sanity I MUST get to the root of my on going health issues. I have SEVERE constipation and am unable to use the bathroom without taking medication first and even then it is a major ordeal!!! I am nauseated frequently, I have absolutely no energy, I have severe bone and joint pain, I have night sweats that force me to the shower in the middle of the night, I have low grade fevers about three times a week, and I also itch constantly (the itching may be due to the meds. it's hard to be sure.) Anyway, I am finding it increasingly hard to deal with all these issues. I spend at least three days a week layed up, feeling miserable. The medicine they give, to clean you out before the test, is noooo fun!!! Since I have problems anyway, I was very miserable the day before and the morning of the test. I was feeling pretty emotional and told Wendell I felt as if I could deal with anything they found, except to hear they found nothing. I KNOW that sounds crazy, but in my discouraged state of mind, I felt as if this test was my last hope to get to the bottom of these issues. If they found something we could work on making it better, if they found nothing, then what? They found nothing. I know the nurses probably thought I was crazy, they were sooo sweet. I couldn't hold back the tears when they told me the results. I am just having a very hard time dealing with feeling so miserable everyday. I was never sick before the cancer, now I never feel well. I do want to say the test is nothing, if you are in need of having a colonoscopy don't waste time thinking twice about it. They knocked me out before they took me in for the test and I knew nothing until they woke me up afterwards. I had no aftereffects at all, I can't even tell I had anything done. So if you need one, take it from a very big chicken, there is nothing to it!!! As far as my issues go, I feel as if I am at a loss right now. I feel miserable most days. The night sweats have actually turned into all day sweats. I can't explain how this makes you feel, it's just a miserable feeling. When I am feeling so miserable I know I am miserable to be around. My poor family :( Part of me wants to just give up and live with it but there is the other part of me that knows this is not the way to live, if there is anything I can do to improve the situation. I feel as if all I ever do now is complain. When I was dealing with the cancer, it was like being on a mission to destroy it. I felt like I was being pro active, even though the treatments were hard to deal with, I knew I was making progress to get better. Now that the cancer is gone, I am left feeling a little hopeless not knowing what the root of the problems are or how to make them better. I don't know if these symptoms are the after effects of the radiation and chemo, or if they are something new. I just know I hate feeling and acting so miserable. I hate feeling as if all I do is complain. But my symptoms are very real and are getting really hard to live with. I am praying the Lord will show me the direction I need to go.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Trust

I'm going to try not to speculate and try desperately to rely on my "word" which is Trust. I know there is definately something not right, I'm just unsure how wrong it is, so this is the time when I am going to not speculate, and just "Trust" that what ever the Lord has in store for me, is for my good. I am having tests this week. If you think of me please pray that above all I will remember to "trust".

Monday, March 7, 2011

Our Little Joy.

Everything seems to be moving right along....Jean is home and doing well...Wendell is spending a lot of time working at the store... Kiah is enjoying her senior year of high school...Punky is working at the store and enjoying her friends, Jess is working hard and learning to Kick Box ...it is tax time, and once again I am sooooo far behind it will take me until April 15th 2012 to have everything ready for the accountants!!!! This time of year is very trying for me!!!!

The joy in our lives these days is babysitting my great nephew, who has Wendell, Punky, Kiah and I, wrapped around his tiny little fingers!!! I have babysat him off and on since he was about four months old, he is 17 months now. He is one of ten, of my sisters grand babies. She keeps him while his mother works and I keep him while she works. He has brought JOY back into our household!!! He lights up our home!!! I kept him everyday last week, which is a little unusual, I am feeling as if I have lost my right arm today!!!


By the time I take him back to Teresa in the evening, I am totally EXHAUSTED!!! He wears me out...so full of energy...he is never still!!! But he is worth every exhausting second!!! It is wonderful how God works. The baby came into our lives right after I had finished treatments and had very little energy and was just sitting home feeling so useless most days. He has brought sunshine and joy back into our house. He has gave me a reason to get up and force myself to function everyday!!! Isn't he just the cutest!!!!