There Will Be Grace

All Is Good!

2011-11-22T08:54:00.002-05:00

It was 11:00 p.m. when we returned home last night, sorry the update has taken awhile! Thanks to those who were concerned and called or texted!!!! Friends sure can make your days better!!!! Dr. Netterville said that they do not know why, but some flaps (reconstruction sight) get irritated. They have no idea why this happens to some patients, but that is what has happened to me. It is not cancer, or my concern, pre-cancer!!! If it has not gotten better in a few months I am suppose to make another appointment, but for now ALL IS GOOD!!! He did a very thorough exam which was nice and reassuring that nothing is going on that I might be unaware of.

Heading Back To Nashville.

2011-11-19T07:30:00.003-05:00

Well, there is still no change on the inside of my mouth. I still have the junk going on. I went back to the ENT in Knoxville this past week. He is not sure what it is, he does not think it is the cancer returning, but he does not want to do a biopsy on the reconstructed sight himself and said he would feel more comfortable if I went back to Nashville. Wendell made me an appointment for Monday evening at Vanderbilt with Dr. Netterville. I REALLY dread making the trip, but want to know what this is, so I guess we will go. My appointment is not until 4:30 Central time which is 5:30 our time. It will be late when we get back but I will try to update here as soon as I can.

Wendell's cousins, 21 year old daughter, had a very bad wreck two weeks ago today. She has been in a coma at UT Hospital since that time. Some people in our community put together a chili supper and auction benefit for her last night. It was an AMAZING sight to see all the people who turned out to support her!!!!! They raised over $6,000.00 on the chili supper and over $4,000.00 on the auction!!!! The people in our little rural community are some of the most amazing people on earth!!!! Wendell was asked to speak on behalf of the family and one of the things he said was the cream rises to the top!!!! Boy, is that the truth when speaking of the people here in Oakdale and the surrounding areas!!! I am so proud to be a member of this community, the people here are just small town, hard working, farming people. To see how they come together to raise up and support those in need around them is truly inspiring!!!! Please help us to pray for Rachel and her family. Her life verse is Romans 8:28 KJV "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Bacteria Infection????

2011-11-03T22:55:00.002-04:00

Well it has been a week, today, since I went to the ENT's office in Knoxville. There is no change in the appearance on the inside of my mouth. The left half of my mouth is still covered in red and white patches. I called yesterday to get the results of the swab test and the nurse called back to say I have thrush and also a bacteria infection. She called in more medicine to treat the bacteria infection, which I started taking tonight. I am still sceptical of the diagnosis...I guess we will see in a few days if there is any improvement.

There Is A Mess In There!!!!

2011-10-29T09:07:00.004-04:00

For a week or more now, I had thought from time to time that I needed to "check my mouth", you know, look in it to see if anything weird is going on. I would always have these thoughts when it wasn't convenient. To look in my mouth I have to find my glasses, put on my glasses, search for a flashlight, and then look in my mouth!!!! I finally went through all the troublesome steps Wednesday, after thinking about it again and knowing it had been several weeks since I have looked. I really wasn't expecting to see what I saw!!! There is a mess in there!!!! I don't know what it is, but it scared me silly seeing it!!!! The complete left half of my mouth, from the roof on down, is covered in a red and white mess!!! It appears to be just under the lining. Needless to say, I checked my mouth repeatedly the rest of the day, hoping it would all go back to normal....but it didn't. Thursday, I called the ENT in Knoxville that I have seen a few times and luckily, or rather prayerfully, they had just had a cancellation and could work me in at 2:30. Wendell and I had planned to go to Knoxville anyway, so this worked out perfectly for us. They took me back almost immediately, which was a big relief when I was feeling so stressed, however, once back in the exam room we waited almost an hour for the doctor to come in. He asked why I was there and I explained the situation and how the sight of anything unusual can send me into a semi-panicked uncertainty!!! He was very understanding and immediately took a look. His response was..."Well, I'm not sure what it is but I don't think it is cancer. I've seen a lot of cancer. It's not cancer." It's amazing how a few words can make or break your feelings!!! He asked if it hurts, which it does not. He said he thought it might be thrush, (Which I have had plenty of times before, and hasn't looked exactly like this, and has always hurt). He took a swab, and wrote me a prescription to begin treating me for thrush. He said it would take a week to get the results from the swab. Nothing actually mattered after..."It's not cancer!!!" The medicine he prescribed is swish and swallow and a pill, I am suppose to take one a week for four weeks. I haven't seen any improvement yet but taking only one a week for four weeks, I am not sure how quickly I will see improvement. This, I know, is just one of the perks to having had cancer!!! Anything out of the ordinary, in my mouth, can send me into a panicked uncertainty. This is the second time, since finishing treatment two years ago, that I have faced this uncertainty. The last time we drove back to Nashville to be told the bone was showing through the gum!!! So far, nothing life threatening!!!LOL!!!!

Our Hearts Are Broken, We Love You Gordon!!!

2011-10-11T09:21:00.003-04:00

I want to begin today's post by sharing a little information about our family with those who may not know us personally. Wendell and I own the only business, a convenient store, gas station and deli, in our small rural town. It is not just a business to us, a way to earn a living and support our family, it is a huge part of our lives. From the time we opened the doors in 2003 our family started growing, not in the usual ways of marriages and births and such, but by getting to know the people in our community in a much more intimate way, like family. Wendell was raised here so he knew pretty much everyone for miles around already, but not in ways that having the store has evoked. Those, who under normal circumstances, were friendly acquaintances, have become like part of our family. There are many, many people, that we see every day as they stop by the store to pump their gas or get their tenderloin biscuit on their way to work. There are those that come in every day and sit at the counter as we prepare their food and talk. We share our thoughts and feelings with them and they share theirs with us. We have become like family to them and they to us. We worry when they don't show up as usually expected and call to make sure their ok. They bring their newborn babies in to meet us for the first time and we get the privilege of watching them grow. We giggle, laugh and rejoice together. We cry together. We pray for each other. We are so blessed to have the opportunity to be a part of so many peoples lives and to have them be a part of ours. We actually see and speak with people more often than their "real" families do in a lot of instances. We are blessed with an abundance of friends!!!!
We received a phone call Sunday evening that just sent us into shock. One of our precious friends left this life suddenly and so unexpectedly. Gordon Powers was found dead in his home by concerned friends, Sunday evening. He had not been feeling well and apparently was the victim of a heart attack. Wendell has known Gordon his whole life, the rest of our family got to know and love Gordon through the store. Gordon was sooo special to each member of our family. Stephanie, Jessica, Punky, Kiah, Wendell and I are all in shock and heartbroken at the loss of someone so loved by each one of us. Gordon loved our family and was such an inspiration to each one of us individually. He always had loving kind words of encouragement for us. We have each spent so much time talking to and sharing the joys or burdens of our hearts with him. He always found a way to lift our spirits and to make each one of us feel special. He was such an encouragement to my kids and I. He worried, and more importantly, Prayed for me constantly when I was sick. He made sure I knew he had his church praying for me. Gordon loved his church, the families, and especially the children. He loved his son and granddaughter. Gordon always came to every important event my kids would invite him to. He would always brag on Stephanie and her love for, and willingness to follow the direction, of the Lord. He loved to tease Punky and talk about how she was just like her daddy. He was like a surrogate father to Jess, giving her advice on love and men and supporting her in the things she is doing with her life. He always bragged on Kiah, and would lift her self confidence, telling her how beautiful she was. Walking in and seeing Gordon sitting at the counter was always a mood lifting experience for me!!! No matter what kind of day I would be having he would always make me laugh and just feel good. He would walk in the door at the store and holler "Well hello good looking!!!", addressing which ever one of us women he would see, to which Wendell would always holler back "Well hello Gordon!!!" Then Gordon would have to tell Wendell "I wasn't talking to you Stupid!!!" It was their routine, one that always made us laugh even though we had heard it a million times before!!! It is a routine that will be difficult to no longer get to hear.
There is no question in my heart of where Gordon has begun spending eternity. Gordon Loved the Lord. The fruits of the spirit were evident in the life Gordon lived. We feel so privileged to have had him for a friend. We will never forget his genuine love and kindness to our family and I. We will miss him so much. He has positively effected our lives. We will one day see him again, so until then ....We love you Gordon!!! Our hearts are broken by your sudden passing. There is definitely an un-fillable void left in our hearts and lives!!!!

Looking Deeper

2011-09-14T10:53:00.002-04:00

I originally wrote the following post a couple of months ago but never published it, it had been saved as a draft. It contains things that I am still thinking about. I have been thinking a lot about how we make judgements of others based on what we see or hear or are told. If we were to look deeper than the initial appearance or sound, we might very well discover we had reached a hasty, false judgement. I am publishing this post now, because, as I have said, it contains thoughts that I am still thinking on and want to blog about more in the near future. So..........

2011-09-14T10:50:00.001-04:00

Several conversations that I have been involved in lately have started me to think on some different things. I was telling my sister Teresa how her daughter Rachel had commented on one of my blog posts and had said she loved hearing about our childhood and I should include more of these stories in my blogging. Well, Rachel, your comment was both sweet and disturbing, all at the same time. Sweet for all the obvious reasons… Disturbing because I use to love hearing my grand mother talk about her childhood!!!!

As Teresa and I began to talk, though, I also began to think on how two people may experience the same thing, but both may walk away telling two totally different stories, based on their perspective and how they viewed it. We all develop our opinions and thoughts on others based on what we see or hear. By going on what we see and hear we may be totally misreading someone. If we knew why they really reacted certain ways or appeared certain ways, what really was behind “who” they are, we might be surprised.

I began to think about how very few things are just "cut and dry", there is usually more to the story of peoples lives...who they really are... why they react certain ways or appear certain ways...All the things we can't see or are not aware of may be the key elements in why a person is the way they are.
The following is one such incidence, in my own life, that I feel as if others may have came to a different conclusion about me than the one I intended or thought I was giving. I have overheard comments, not meant for my ears, of others remarking on my appearance and how I felt as if I had to have every hair in place.
I have always tried to look “decent” when leaving my house and going out in public. Even if I was just "running" to the store to pick up that one ingredient needed to finish dinner. I know people have thought my need to have my make up on, and hair fixed, before leaving the house, was due to my being vain. I guess in a way that is true, but if you knew my heart and if you knew the experiences in my life that have brought me to the place of needing my appearance to be a certain way, you might view me a little differently. I am saying all of this out of a great desire to not be judgmental of others. I want to view and love others with a pure heart. I truly believe that we are a total package of the circumstances and experiences that we have experienced in this life.
I have the desire to be a better person, especially in the way I see and view others. God made us all. He does not love me one ounce more or less than He loves someone else. I may dissappoint Him more, but He loves us all the same. "For God So Loved The World...." Wow, it's mind blowing!!! And then to think that I may look at someone and have a not so nice thought enter my head like "who do they think they are?" If I truly knew "who they are" I might never had had that ugly thought to begin with.
I remember the exact moment as a child that I became aware of my looks. The moment I realized that the way the world treats you is directly related to the way you visually appear to them.
I had developed Rheumatic Fever as an eight year old child. I remember my Mom taking me to one doctor after another trying to convince them that was what was wrong with me. Mom had had Rheumatic Fever, herself, twice. Finally, she found a pediatrician who listened and ran the tests. I remember the night they called and said I needed to be admitted into the hospital. I was admitted that night. It was before Thanksgiving of my second grade school year. I spent close to three months in the hospital and then was bed fast at home for an extended period of time after that. The medicine I was on, it may have been steroids, I don't know, just a thought. Anyway, the medicine caused me to gain a lot of weight. I went from 60 something pounds to over 130 in just a few months. The medication caused my appetite to go through the roof!!! Most of my childhood memories begin during this time. I have very few memories before the Rheumatic Fever. As an eight year old little girl, I spent hour after hour, day after day, lying in a bed, alone, in a private hospital room. This is where my memories of being so lonely began. To this day, I believe loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world. It breaks my heart to think of someone being lonely.
My family had moved to California when I was six years old. My Mom & Dad had worked in the hosiery mills in Harriman and had both been laid off. My Uncle owned a fire sprinkler business in CA. We moved there for my Dad to begin the apprenticeship program, and eventually become a certified sprinkler fitter. My Uncle, Aunt, and there three kids, were our only family there in California. So there were not a lot of options as far as visitors went!!!!
I remember being so excited to get a day pass to leave the hospital on Christmas Day. I still remember the presents that awaited me when I got home that morning, a brand new bike and a pair of roller skates where two of the main ones. I remember pushing my bike around the dining room table at the urging of those around. That’s so funny to me now!!! The thought of this bushy headed, chubby girl, in pajamas, grinning to please those who were watching and waiting, pushing her brand new bike around the dining room table while everyone watched, as if this brought some sense of joy to my little girl heart!!! It would have been as much fun to have laid down and let Teresa ride her brand new bike over me!!!! Too funny!!! I was also denied the opportunity to try out my new roller skates latter that day with the sisters and cousins. I did however decline the opportunity to try them on. I could imagine it now…this bushy headed, chubby girl, in pajamas, sitting in a chair, sweating from the process of lacing up those never ending shoe laces that accompany roller skates, grinning for those watching and waiting, as my legs dangle off the chair, feet adorned in brand spanking new roller skates that are forbidden to touch the floor with my feet in them!!! Too Funny!!!
Anyway…. I was eventually discharged from the hospital, sent home and eventually was able to return to school….
I remember being so excited to finally get to go back to school. My Mom had bought me a new dress to wear. I think I thought wearing a dress made you pretty. I went back to school only to be a little disappointed that no one seemed to remember me or care that I was back. I left school that evening and started the walk home only to realize B. H. , the boy who I had spent every recess with, from the time I started school there until I went in the hospital, was walking behind me. The boy next door was walking his bike talking to B. H. I remember being so happy thinking he would see me!!! I remember feeling those butterflies in the pit of my stomach just knowing he was behind me!!! When the neighbor boy and I had to turn down a street and B.H. continued on.... the boy next door caught up with me and was laughing as he told me B.H. had asked him who the new ugly fat girl was. I was heartbroken. That was the day I knew it took more than wearing a dress to be pretty. From that day forward until finishing middle school, I was the "fat girl". I was teased and tormented at recess. From that moment on I just wanted to do everything I could to blend in, to be invisible, to fit in. As long as no one noticed me I wouldn't be teased or judged. I guess that just carried over into my adult years too. As long as I had my hair fixed and my makeup on I just kind of blended in and wouldn't be noticed. If no one noticed I was there, I wouldn’t be teased or humiliated. So, you see, even though I may have been viewed as vain with my appearance, in my mind I just want to blend in!!! This is just one personal example that comes to my mind when I began to think of how we could possibly have a very wrong opinion of someone based solely on what we see or hear. I want to use this realization in my life to try desperately to be less judgmental of others. I can’t say that cancer has really changed the way I see or view things or has changed the way I want to live and view my life but it has made me want to get on with it…not waste anymore time in striving to be a better person…a better friend…a better family member…a better child of God. I want to not make hasty rude judgments, but I want to always take the time to look deep enough to see who is really there. It’s kind of mind numbing when I think of all the people and opportunities I have surely missed in this life by seeing only what I saw, not looking deep enough to see who is really there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!

2011-09-12T08:27:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday to my Mom today!!!! She would have been 69 today but instead the Lord called her home 2 years ago when she was just 67. I miss you Mom. I miss being able to call and get your advice and instruction on just the simple things in life. We had a huge family get together at my house a week ago, the Saturday before Labor Day, I really missed you being here. I thought so much about your macaroni salad, I could almost taste it, yours was absolutely the best ever!!! I wish I would have came up and had you give me hands on instruction for making it. I wish I had done so many things differently and better where our relationship was concerned, but it is to late for that now, I know. I Love you Mom and miss you terribly, but at least I have the promise of being reunited with you again one day. Until then ....HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mom, I Love you!!!!

Just Lazy...

2011-09-02T11:04:00.002-04:00

No, I haven't died or experienced anything too physically dramatic in the last month or so....just lazy, I guess, when it comes to updating this blog!!!! I have however had many thoughts that I wanted to "air out" here, but just haven't took the time to begin typing.

Physically, I am about the same...I wake up with my bones and joints stiff and hurting. I get up some mornings at 4 or 5 a.m. to take a hot shower to relieve the discomfort until my medication takes effect. I have days where I spend the whole day freezing but sweating profusely, those days I am pretty miserable. I still run a low grade fever from time to time, for no explained reason. My swallowing has seemed to have slightly improved over the last few months. I am able to swallow some breads now where I wasn't previously able to. Yeah!!! I love and had missed eating bread!!!! My face and ears still hurt some days more than others, I have begun to think that may be related to how much I talk on any given day!!! The chronic fatigue is my biggest complaint. I just have no energy most days, where as pre-cancer, I could have worked circles around a much younger person, now I feel like a thirtyish, (heehee), woman trapped in an 85 year olds body, that becomes disheartening on some days when my mind is working harder than my body can even think about!!!

I would like to be able to blog that my life feels like all sun and roses since my cancer is in remission right now, but if I am to be honest, that is just not the case. Several things have transpired over the last year or so that have been less than joy evoking. A lot of circumstances have changed that have left me feeling a little lost some days. I plan on blogging about them, it's just hard to find the time to start and when I do the fatigue sets in and I find it hard to keep my eyes open long enough to write much. But anyway... for now....lifes' happening that is forefront on my mind...

My aunt, Sue Coffey, my dad's younger sister, lost her ten year battle with cancer last week. She travelled home to be with the Lord on August 25, 2011. She had courageously battled cancer for ten years. Having cancer is an awful, awful, experience, but Sue didn't just battle one cancer she had went to war with three different kinds and then on top of all those she developed Pulmonary Fibrosis. My Grandmother, Sue's Mother, had Pulmonary Fibrosis which is a lung disease that causes hardening of the lungs. One would think since Sue and her mother both had it, it would be hereditary, but that was not so in their case. Sue developed Pulmonary Fibrosis after having undergone so many different, large doses of chemo therapy. We had celebrated Sue's 67th birthday in May. I had traveled to South Carolina twice in the last month or so to visit with her. She ended up in the hospital both times. Her attitude, even on her death bed, astounded me. She wanted desperately to get better and live to see her precious grand sons graduate from high school. But she knew at the end that that was not going to be the Lord's plan for her. She laid in her hospital bed struggling to breath enough to speak with all of us gathered around her bed side. I watched and listened as God provided the Grace she needed to endure until her walk here was complete. A young preacher boy named Austin came to visit her one day while I was standing by her bed feeding her ice chips. It was all I could do to keep myself together as she told him I was the one he and their church had prayed for for so long. She struggled to breath as she told him how very sick I had been and how it was a miracle I was still here and how God had been so good to me. Then she started bragging on the goodness of God in her life!!! It was such a tremendous blessing to listen to her, as she laid there struggling and pausing frequently to catch her breath, praising and worshipping her God!!!! She told Austin how she had never been sick one time from any of the many chemos she had had to take. She bragged repeatedly on the goodness of God in her life. What a testimony she had!!! After all she had gone through, she had kept the faith through it all. What an inspiration she was to me!!! Through it all she had never became bitter at God, or life, or the circumstances she was living in...instead she kept her focus and continually praised God for His grace and goodness to her!!! Everyone, I had the pleasure of meeting while there, talked about what a Christian my Aunt Sue was, how she lived by the principles of the Bible for as long as they had known her. How, through the good and the bad, she praised and honored God. I wasn't there when she told those in the room to tell my dad she loved him and she would tell Pat, (my Mom), hello for him when she got there. I can only imagine that reunion. Sue's husband Jack, passed away in 2001 as the result of cancer, a brain tumor. Her sister Barbara's husband, Liege Roberts, passed away in 1998 as a result of colon and then brain cancer, Sue's Mother, and my grand mother, Roxie Hurst, passed away 4 or 5 days after Liege in 1998 as a result of pulmonary fibrosis and then colon cancer, Sue's father and my grandfather, Luster "Buckeye" Hurst, passed away in 2000 as the result of a stroke, and then my Mother, Sue's sister in law, Patricia Hurst, passed away in 2009 as a result of a brain aneurysm. What a reunion it must have been on August 25th as Sue entered the gates of heaven. I believe they were all there anticipating her arrival. Although she will be greatly missed here, she was reunited with so many of our loved ones who have already made the journey!!! What a day of rejoicing that must have been for them!!! How could we possibly overcome the grief that accompanies the death of our loved ones without the sweet, precious, promise that those of us who have accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and saviour will eventually be reunited to spend eternity together in the presence of an almighty, loving, gracious God!!!
How good He is!!!!

Please help me pray for Sue's children and grand children they loved her dearly and will miss her greatly. They spent many, many days and hours caring for and taking care of her every need. I know it will be hard for them to suddenly not have those things filling their days and nights. It was a precious thing to witness the love she poured out on them and the great love and afffection they returned to her.

2011-09-02T10:40:00.002-04:00

My Dad: Tommy Hurst, My Aunt: Bonnie Lowery,

My Aunt: Sue Coffey, & My Aunt: Barbara Roberts.

PET Scan Results.

2011-07-08T07:48:00.002-04:00

Clean Scan AGAIN!!! I'm almost beginning to think we may have beat this thing!!!!!
Realistically I know I can never really know I have beat this thing, because the kind I had you can never really know you are cured. Even after the familiar five year mark that we have come to think of when dealing with cancer. The kind of cancer I had is famous for coming back as many as fifteen years later. But for now I am clean. For now I am extremely grateful. I really wasn't scared this time. But after finding out the results the tears once again began to flow. I am sooooo thankful God has chosen to let me be cancer free for now!!!! Every time I get a clean scan, I feel even more like living life!!!! I'm ready for a vacation!!!!

PET Scan Today.

2011-07-05T06:10:00.002-04:00

I am going for a PET Scan this morning. Please pray that it will turn out good!!! It has became so routine that I almost didn't ask for prayer, but then this morning all I could think about is how Wendell and I both talk all the time about how your prayers are how we have made it this far in our journey. I know it is because of the prayers that have gone up for me, is why I have made it through this cancer, when so many others don't. So, once again I ask for your prayers!!! I will not get the results until Thursday, but will let you know as soon as I can!!! Thanks sooooo much!!!!

Punky's Results

2011-06-22T21:43:00.002-04:00

It's been a long day, we were at the hospital for over four and a half hours. Punky was the last patient of the day in the surgery center. She has some irritation and a small hemorrhoid, but other than that, her colon checked out great!!! Thank you for praying!!!

Please Pray For Punky

2011-06-21T11:57:00.003-04:00

If you have a free moment today or tomorrow please say a little prayer for Punky. She has had irritable bowel syndrome her whole life. About two weeks ago she started hurting and cramping pretty bad when she would go to the bathroom and has been having quite a bit of blood in her stool. We took her to our GP and then to a specialist last week. She is scheduled to have a colonoscopy tomorrow at 3:00 pm. She is only allowed liquids today and tomorrow and has to start the dreaded medicine to clean out her system starting at 5:00 pm today. If you have had a colonoscopy you know the medicine is the worst part of the whole thing!!! The clear liquid diet will be no fun for her either!!! I know the symptoms she is having can be a sign of something as simple as hemorrhoids or it can be a sign of something much more serious. Please pray that God's will will be done and His grace will be sufficient for our family. I Thank-You ahead of time!!!! I will let you know the results as soon as I can tomorrow evening.

Cancer Walking With Me

2011-06-06T04:27:00.006-04:00

Once again I am up at 2:20 a.m. My bones are soooo achy, my ear and jaw are aching, and I have insomnia. This has been my "norm" for the last two weeks. This "phase" began on our vacation and hasn't ended yet. I wake up and have to get up immediately. It's hard making it through the day on two hours sleep at night. So as I sat here, in my recliner, in the weee hours of the morning, I began to think about how even though this September it will have been two years since I had finished my treatments, Cancer is still a several times a day thought for me. Cancer is still occupying a big part of my life. Cancer will never go away. Cancer will be a companion of mine throughout the rest of my life, and it is very probable that Cancer will be the culprit allowed to end my life. When you are a realist like me and you know the statistics, and you know the power of God, but you don't know the mind of God, or what His will in this will ultimately be, you think on all the outcomes more than you would like!!!! When your body is almost a completely different body than it had been for the last few decades of your life, you feel 88 instead of 48. Life takes on a new view. It's as if Cancer is walking along right beside me, never missing a step. It's as if I know him so well, as almost, in a weird way, as if Cancer is a friend. A friend in the since that Cancer knows me inside and out. I know Cancer. We know more about each other than we do anyone else. We have been intimately acquainted. Cancer knew how to bring me to the lowest point thus far in my life. Cancer walked me to the very door of death but then backed away for some unknown and unexpected reason. The will of God. God chose to back Cancer back out of my life for now but he will always walk beside me. Waiting I guess, like me, to see if it will be God's will for me to be left in Cancers grip ever again. I know God holds the ultimate keys to this situation, I know what ever happens He will supply my needs and the grace needed to endure. But that doesn't mean I don't spend some time a little scared, not desiring the experience of being left in Cancers grip again. Cancer is someone, even though he was very nasty to me, at the same time and in the same space, Cancer was a friend who forced me to a place of total reliance on a God I had trusted many times before. Cancer brought me to the place of knowing there is definately nothing good within myself. Cancer brought me to a place of rest in the Peace and Grace of an almighty God. I have never known such extreme peace as the peace I found in the bowels of Cancer. I am endepted to Cancer for life, for the major lessons he brought into my life.

Airport Security And My Need To Accessorize!!!!

2011-05-30T11:03:00.005-04:00

Well, we're back home and back to the real world :( Getting up and feeling the dusty, hard wood floors is not near as fun as getting up and walking out the door to feel sand between your toes!!!! I could spend all summer on the beach!!!
Before leaving home for the airport, Wendell had scolded me for wearing so much jewelry. Anyone that knows me, knows, I love my jewelry!!! I told him, politely, that I never have a problem at the court house and I wouldn't have a problem at the airport!!!! Well, for the first time ever, LOL, I was wrong!!! I had to go through the scanner several times, each time stopping to strip off a few more pieces of jewelry and then finally the studded belt, not a good accessory for airport security!!! Yesterday morning, when dressing for the return flight, I once again clipped on my 5 bracelets, two pair of earrings, 5 rings, and my watch (that I can't even see to read the time, but hey accessorizing doesn't have to be practical!!!) I did of course make sure to wear cloths that fit...thus no need for the beautifully studded belt. My plan was to take it all off before arriving at the airport and to re-accessorize before boarding the plane. After all, going anywhere without my jewelry would be like leaving my eyebrows at home!!!! I was just proud as punch to know I was going to be able to do this without holding up the long disgruntled line behind me!!!! As I approached the scanner they asked the usual questions about what you have in your purse and carry on, to which I remembered, at the last moment, thankfully, that I have a teeny bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse. Happily I removed it and with a satisfied smug grin on my face I proceeded to walk through the scanner. I made it! no beeping!!! Then I heard one man say to the other man that highly dreaded, illegal word "Aerosol" immediately my mind went to the small bottle of "just in case" hair spray, you know the one you carry for years and use maybe twice but you carry it "just in case"!!! One man picked up my purse and instructed me to get the rest of my stuff and follow him. I scammered around grabbing up my shoes, my carry on bag, my laptop, & my laptop case and hurriedly tried to follow him to a table at the end of the long line of belts and scanners. He firmly instructed me not to reach for, or into, my purse, he had to retrieve the "Item". I obediently clasped my hinds behind my back as my mind visualized me inadvertently reaching for my bag and being tackled from all sides and slammed to the floor, like a terrorist. After a long search he finally found "IT". He placed "it" and the illegal hand sanitizer in a baggie, handed it all back to me, and with my head hung low I grabbed my shoes, my laptop, my laptop case, my carry on, my purse and the rightly stored illegal products and went in search of the rest of my humiliated family. After arriving at the gate I was able to redress, get organized and finally accessorize (eyebrows in place), and boarded the plane without further incidence.
Lesson learned...It's a lot easier to go to court than the beach!!!!

Sun, Sand, Surf, & Seditary

2011-05-28T09:27:00.001-04:00

After our trip to South Carolina, Two Parties, Bachalarque and Graduation, we drove to Knoxville on Sunday, May 22, 2011 and caught a plane to our favorite vacation spot...Destin Florida!!!! YEAH!!! THE BEACH!!!! WHITE SAND, SUN, RELAXATION!!!!!

The View from our balcony. Breathtaking!!!

After Dinner at the Crab Trap.

Dylan eating crab legs!!!

Punky, Wendell, Kiah and Dylan posing with our rent-a-car!!! We definitely never lost it!!!

I couldn't wait to get here and start our week of total relaxation!!!! We decided to fly this year because they had $44.00 fares!!!! It would have cost more for us to drive the 8 hours and 45 minutes. We were here in 1 hour. It has been absolutely beautiful every day, so pretty I haven't been able to come up with an excuse to go shopping!!!! We fly home Sunday. Only two days left, then back to the real world!!!

Bachelarque & Graduation

2011-05-26T11:08:00.006-04:00

After our trip to South Carolina, the store graduation party, Jean's 70th Birthday party, we then had Bachelarque on Friday and graduation ceremonies on Saturday, May 20th and 21st, 2011. As I have said in my previous posts, I am having problems downloading pictures to my blog, so these are in no certain order!!!!

Two Special Graduates, Aaron Kilby, Me, and Dylan!!!

Punky, Me, Kiah, Wendell, Stephanie and Michael.

Punky, Me, Kiah, And Stephanie.

Kiah Receiving Her Diploma From Terry Armes. Mrs. Diane Smith, Oakdale School Principal and Fred Snow, Oakdale School's Assistant Principal.

More Special Grads!!! Dylan, Kiah and Blake Redmon.

Aaron Kilby, Mikiah And Dylan Cox.

Punky and another one of my favorite Grads, Tee Stienmetz.

My Favorite Grad and her sister!!! Punky and Mikiah!!!

I have no babies left!!! They have all graduated!!! I NEED A GRAND BABY!!!!!

People keep asking me if I am sad to see my last child graduate and the answer is no, not at all. I can honestly say I have enjoyed every stage of my kids lives. I just see this as moving on to another new stage, that I know will be just as enjoyable as all the past "stages". I love being a Mom and all the joy that comes with that blessed position!!! I was telling someone the other day that I played with baby dolls until I was about 12 years old!!! My big dream for my life was to be a wife and Mother. God has truly blessed me!!! I've made a lot of mistakes along the way that if I could go back I would change and do them differently, but I wouldn't change being a Mom to my four + one, for any career in this world!!!! I did, however, think Wendell and I were going to "loose it" when the graduates started marching in. All I could do was quietly praise God for letting me live to see my last child graduate from High School. Two years ago it was a little "iffy"!!!! I praise God for His marvelous Grace and Mercy in my undeserving life!!!!! One of the boys, in Kiah's class, Mother was diagnosed with cancer right after I was, and she passed away a few months later. He was valedictorian of the class. It breaks my heart to know how he would have gave anything to have had her there. I know if at all possible she was looking down proud as punch!!!! I don't know why God has allowed me to continue my walk down here but I sure am glad He has!!!!

Happy 70th Birthday Jean!!!!!

2011-05-26T09:24:00.000-04:00

After giving the Seniors a party on Tuesday, I immediately began preparing to give my Mother-In-Law a party, in celebration of her 70th birthday, on Thursday.

Jean

I made the cakes and decorated them in fondant!!! These are the skills I learnt while taking the cake decorating class with Teresa a few weeks ago!!!

I would love to post more pictures, but with my new computer, I am having some difficulty downloading them properly. Maybe more later :(

Oakdale Class Of 2011

2011-05-24T08:55:00.006-04:00

After arriving back home from Sue's party on Sunday afternoon, I spent all day Monday preparing for a party, for the thirty nine graduating Seniors from Oakdale, to be given at the store, on Tuesday.

My daughter Mikiah is in this class. This was the first year she had ever been to public school. She has always been home schooled or attended private Christian school. She loved having the opportunity to go to Oakdale this past year. She is the fifth from the right in the picture above. We celebrate the students of Oakdale graduating every year with a party at the store. I take lots of pictures and then make a big collage to hang on the wall. We have done this for about the last six years. It is always fun for them to come back and look at their pictures several years down the road!!!

2011-05-24T00:50:00.005-04:00

Wendell purchasing Peaches from a roadside stand.

Breakfast at IHOP together on Sunday, before returning home. Wendell, Papaw Tom, Sue, Maurice, Bonnie, Camden, Heather, Jake, Bobbie, Ron, Me, and Teresa.

Brother, sister's and Wendell!!! Tom, Wendell, Bonnie, Sue and Bob.

Sue's grandkids: Jake, Camden, Blake, Cameron, Emily & Logan.

The Cousins + Bob.

Bob, Ron, Teresa, Me, Richmond, Heather, Bonnie, and Justin.

Wow, It has been sooo long since I have had a chance to stop and write something here!!! Needless to say it has been a very busy time in the Ruppe home. There are a lot of "things" I have been thinking on to write about here.

Last weekend some of us traveled to South Carolina for a birthday party for my Aunt Sue. We had a wonderful time. It was nice to get away for the weekend not to mention the fact that we were able to see cousins that we haven't had the opportunity to visit with in years. Teresa traveled with Wendell and I, and Dad drove along with us. Bob, Bonnie, Maurice, Talisha, Marcus, Wilson and Ron also made the trip over for the party.

We had to stop at Sam's on our way home, for me to purchase a new computer, mine had began to crash. I spent all last week trying to get my flies saved to disk off of my old computer and things set up on my new one. I could not get these pictures moved in line on this post like I wanted so I have ended up leaving them where they downloaded, sorry. Thus, the wierd layout of this particular post.

Loss Of Vanity And God

2011-04-17T23:27:00.008-04:00

Have you ever Known the Lord had definitely sent someone into your life? There are so many things I want to say here about an experience I had this weekend. There are things I want to say leading up to this amazing experience in my life but I am somehow feeling as if it will take too long to say it all. But there is a part of me that feels as if I have to try.

First of all I want to ask you to pray for a situation that has effected our lives over the last few weeks, that I know is best left unspoken at this time. It is a situation that has brought many tears the last couple of weeks and that leaves me so sad every time I think about it. Please help Wendell and I pray that the Lord will intervene and His will will be done in this situation.

Now back to my original thought.... A while back I began to think on one of the aspects of my cancer journey...loosing my hair. I began to think a little deeper on this subject. I know the Lord is in control of everything that happens in our lives. He may not order everything that happens to us, but He certainly allows it. Just as I believe He has allowed cancer to come into my life. I was taking a shower one morning after my hair had began to grow back and I started to think about how as woman our hair is very important to us. I began to think about how God has gave man the ability to come up with the treatments to fight cancer and give us a chance at achieving remission from this sinister disease. I thought about how an all knowing God, gave man the mind and ability to come up with the drugs to fight cancer. God knew, before man, what the side effects of these drugs would be. One of the main, well known, side effects of Chemo is hair loss. Our hair, especially as woman, is our vanity. Cancer strips you of your vanity. I began to wonder that day why of all the side effects that could come from the drugs developed to fight cancer, was the main one hair loss. Why is the most noticeable effect of anyone battling cancer the loss of their hair...thus the loss of vanity? Does God have a specific purpose in this? I don't know, I'm just asking.

Wendell and I went to our favorite candle lite restaurant this past Saturday night. After we were seated, teenagers dressed for prom began to come in and sit in the tables in front of us. We were in a booth against the wall so we had a first hand view at what could have easily been a fashion show just for us. We began to, between ourselves, judge the girls dress and the guys tuxedos. Believe it or not the guys had on a wide variety of tuxedos. There were over 38 kids there that night. Wendell and I ate our dinner and got up to make our way out. As we were leaving I was stopped by one of two elderly ladies sitting together in a booth down from where we had been. They were very fashionable older ladies who appeared to be fairly wealthy. One of them began to speak, she said she just wanted to let me know I was more beautiful than any of those young girls in their prom dresses!!! Now my telling you this is not out of vanity. I am telling you this because I honestly felt, as soon as she began to speak that the Lord had put them there. I can't explain why and still don't fully understand it. I have NEVER felt this way with anyone before in my entire life. I just knew God had put them there and felt like I just couldn't let the conversation end with thank you and Wendell and I walking on, for some unknown reason I felt as if I needed to say something to keep the conversation going. So I said thank you, you have made my night. Then I began to tell them about my battle with cancer and loosing my hair and just now getting it back enough to get it cut and styled. They wanted to know about my cancer. After telling them a little bit about having oral cancer the other lady began to tell me how she is a widow but she has a gentleman Friend who had salivary gland cancer twenty years ago. I then told her that was what mine was ...salivary gland cancer. She said she just wanted me to know I was going to be alright. Her gentlemen friend was 80 something years old now and does just great. I don't know why I had the feeling these ladies were placed there and spoke to me out of some purpose of God. But I do. What are the chances two little old ladies would start up a conversation with me over such a rare cancer as salivary gland cancer? I have been reading the few blogs I can find of other oral cancer survivors every since I started my fight. So many of them have already passed on. One as early as last week and another one has done all he can do to fight it and now is blogging about how he is making it, knowing the cancer is taking over his body. Maybe I shouldn't read these blogs, but I can't help myself. Somehow it feels as if these people are my relatives in a way. Of course there are also those cancer survivors who have been in remission for several years now. Those are the ones I want to feel as if I have more in common with!!!

Anyway I just wanted to share those things with you....... My thinking on cancer and hair loss and side effects and God and vanity and little ladies and God speaking to us through others and what are the chances and salivary gland cancer and remission and living and dying and maybe just maybe angels unaware ...

Me And Martha!!!

2011-04-13T11:47:00.005-04:00

My doctor has put me on new medicines to try and help me feel better. My quality of life has been different. Between the bowel issues, the bone pain, the fatigue and the generally ill feelings, life has been different than it was pre-cancer. With these new medicines and advice from friends, my bowel issues have been resolved...so far...knock on wood...yeah!!!!....best news ever!!!! My fatigue is even getting a little bit better, the bone pain is still a big issue. Mornings are difficult for me because of this pain, it is hard to get my day started. But these new medicines really do seem to help me feel better and function better once they are in my system and I am able to start my day!!!!

About a year or so before the ugly "c" word entered my life, I wanted to take a cake decorating class. Even though there are definitely two gifts I was not given...creativity and rhythm. No chance there is any black in my blood!!!! I couldn't boogie if I tried!!! I also have absolutely no creative ability!!! I have always been the "tom-boy" in the family. I remember playing as kids with my cousins, and while Teresa and Bonnie fought over the coveted spot of playing Jane for the day, I would give Cousin Ron a run for his money over who got to be Tarzan!!!! I was not about to be stuck in the "kitchen" stringing leaves or making mud pies!!! I had much rather have been found swinging from the tree limbs, making my way through the "jungle" in search of an unexpecting animal to kill for dinner!!! Of course the second place option wasn't too bad either, I mean after all, there were plenty of benefits to getting to be Cheetah!!!! (for those readers too young to remember, what was one of the greatest TV shows ever, Tarzan ...Cheetah was the family pet.... monkey!!!) Oh, those were the days!!!! The days when, as kids, our imaginations were over used, are bodies were tanned from playing outside, not laying in a bed made of light bulbs, our hands were used for such things as carving knives out of sticks or grabbing limbs as we made our way up the tree, not pushing buttons on a controller. We never spent our days in front of the TV, after all what would have been the use...the only day time programming back then was soap operas, cartoons could only be found on Saturday mornings. Boy, those were the days!!!! I remember the same scenario playing out early every Saturday morning in the summer when I would be blessed with the wonderful gift of getting to spend the night with my Granny. Her neighbor, whom we called Granny Freels, (she was not our real Granny but she was a wonderful addition to our young lives!!) would cross the street and head up the driveway on her way to have breakfast and coffee with my Granny. She would always stop, shade the sun from her eyes as she looked up to the top of my favorite huge oak tree that lined the drive, and every Saturday morning would say the same thing..."I think I see a squirrel in the top of that tree!!!" Then she would let out a little giggle and continue on her way. Corney, I know, but somehow she always made me giggle too!!!

Anyway...I guess I have gotten carried away...my point was I have no creative ability...back to the original thought...I wanted to take a cake decorating class...

I don't have the confidence to try anything new on my own. I have to have an accomplice. I have been blessed with two people in my life, that if I get a desire to do, or try, something new, they are always game!!!! These two people are my wonderful husband, who if I get a whim to go somewhere or do something, he is always ready and willing to go along and even help plan the experience!!!! The same goes for my wonderful, OLDER sister, Teresa!!! I told Teresa of my desire to take a cake decorating class and even though she could decorate cakes pretty well already, she was willing to go and even did the research to find such a class and signed us up. We ended up taking the Beginners and the Advanced cake decorating classes that year. Now anytime, after taking the classes, that Teresa or I take a cake to a family function where we are both present, I always feel the need to explain, in a whisper, of course, how... if Teresa brings the cake "she does fairly well , even though she failed the class."... if I make the cake, I have to explain to everyone how "I had to make the cake, it's such a shame, after all those lessons, Teresa failed to receive her diploma"!!! Of course everyone is always shocked to hear this, knowing when it comes to most "domestic " activities Teresa could go head to head with Martha Stewart!!! I guess I just can't help myself, you see everyone "expects " that perfectly decorated cake from Teresa, but after all my years in the "jungle", it seems they don't expect much from me. I just can't help it, you don't know the pressure and anxiety that exists when growing up side by side with Martha Stewart!!! Now, not to sell myself short, I could build the table that Teresa or Martha sit their beautifully decorated cakes on, or, I could wire up the mixer they use to mix the batter for their beautifully decorated cakes!!!! All those years of playing Tarzan had it's benefits!!!

Anyway, once again I have gotten carried away. Back to my original story....

I decided I wanted to take a fondant class. The act of covering and decorating a cake with fondant, (for those who may not know, fondant is like play dough for big girls!!!) was not covered in the beginners or the advanced cake class. So... I called Teresa, and true to form, she researched it and found a class and signed us up!!! Yeah!!! Play dough, once I got past the smell, was something I was fairly good at playing with as a child. We have now had two of our four scheduled classes. They are every Tuesday night from 6:00-8:00 pm. We have had a great time, once again playing together!!!!

Teresa and I, last night, all set up and waiting for class to begin.

The main reason I wanted to take this class was to learn the art of bow making. Guess what we accomplished in our very first class? Yeah!!!! I made this one!!!!

After coming home I wanted to practice, so I made this one last week when I had some free time.

Last nights class, (we made the center for the rose in last weeks class, but we were not told that was what we were making...it would have been prettier if the center had matched the rose.) We were taught to make the Rose, the Cali Lily, and the Carnation. We also learnt how to make the leaves and the stamens, the green leafy parts of the flowers.

Even the backs of the flowers are made to look realistic.

The difference between Play Dough and Fondant are these flowers are completely edible!!!

For our last class, we still have two more classes left, we will be required to decorate a cake, utilizing our newly acquired skills. I hate this part. I hate being judged!!!! And like I said, I have absolutely no creative ability, thus I have no idea what to do. Any ideas? This will, in a way, be our "test", where we will receive our diploma. (I'll let you know the day before so you will be able to say a little prayer for Teresa, you know she struggles with the passing part!!!) heeheeehee!!!!!

The Finale: Part 5 of Post # 200 To Our Annonymous Gift Giver

2011-04-05T00:18:00.000-04:00

This is the last post I want to write dealing with the subjects I have been talking about in all of my "Post #200's". I am writing this post mainly because I have things I want to say to whom ever our Anonymous gift giver is. We still have no idea who you are, and I don't even know if you are someone who reads my blog. But I want to be able to try and let you know what you and your gift has meant to me and my family. I do fear, however, our gratitude is going to be something hard to put into words. The cancer journey and all it became was not an easy road to walk. My family reached the lowest point we had ever been during this time. We were, so many times, physically and emotionally drained. There were several times when I didn't even have or know the words to speak when praying, all I could do was kneel, cry and trust. But through it all God's precious grace was ever present and so real in our lives. At the time I was going through all the surgeries, treatments and side effects I was able to make it one day at a time, and at the time it was hard, but God's grace made it all "do-able". It is harder, looking back now, than it ever was when I was going through it, to understand how in the world I made it through some of those days. Coming out of this journey with my life and with my family still together was all I wanted and was way more than I deserved!!!! To have the indescribable blessing of coming out of all of this, left with only a small portion of the financial obligations we would have been facing, is UNBELIEVABLE!!!!! After our insurance had finally paid their portion, we were going to be left, (at that time, not counting the continual visits and bills), we were going to be left facing over twenty five thousand dollars in medical bills. I had felt a lot of guilt over being the one to generate and place these bills and this burden on my family. Paying monthly payments, in amounts that we would have been able to pay, would have left us paying on these bills, realistically, for probably over twenty years to come!!!!! The creditors had began calling and asking us if they lowered the amounts we owed, substantially, if we would be able to pay the new amount in full, thus allowing them to close their books on our account before the end of the year. Having the gift you gave us allowed us to be able to say yes and to pay the new and much lower amounts. Had we not have received your gift we would have not had the financial means to pay these lowered amounts in full and would have been left owing the total amounts originally charged. That's how the ten thousand actually "paid" twenty five thousand in bills. It is hard to come to terms with what you have done for us. I have no idea how or why you decided to give us this gift other than the fact that I will always believe it was God. God working on your heart and in your willingness to be used of Him to help us in a great way. I do wonder, just because the "workings" of God are so fascinating, what all transpired in you making the decision to give us this gift. Anyway, I just want to tell you how your gift is, by far, the BIGGEST blessing we have and will probably ever receive. It was sooo unexpected. I will, for the rest of my life, have the memory of sitting at my kitchen table, sick, fatigued, bald headed, skinny as a rail, with a nauseated stomach but wanting to shout the PRAISES of an almighty God for the whole world to hear, armed with my check book and a huge stack of bills, and being able to write check after check to pay these bills "in full" as the tears fell uncontrollably. I have done nothing to ever deserve, and can in no way ever repay, this incredible kindness. I am still in awe of the goodness God has placed in your heart!!! Why you would think so much of me and my family to give us such an amazing gift is more than I can begin to understand. Even with the kind of heart God has placed in you to be so giving, it's unbelievable that I would be the one on the receiving end of that kindness, when there are so many other worthy places you could have chosen to give. "Thank-You" is extremely inadequate but all I have at this point to give in return. You have no idea what you have done for me and my family. You have no idea the burden you have lifted from our shoulders. You have no idea how you have made our lives so much easier as a result of not having the financial burden of those medical bills, hanging, like an ever present dark cloud, over our heads. It is incomprehensible how we are able to "operate" financially as well post cancer as we did pre-cancer. An unexpected medical burden can easily wipe families out financially and put them in a place of deep distress. Because of your wonderful, amazing gift to my family this is a burden we do not bear. Because of you, and what you chose to do for me and my family, our lives have been made so incredibly easier!!!! Because of you, we are still able to provide the things we have in the past to our family. Because of you, our lives have been enriched in many, many ways. Because of you, Wendell and I have been able to relate to our children how God, through His infinite Wisdom and Mercy, is always there for us through the storms of this life. How, He may allow bad things to happen, but He uses these things to work for our good. We are able to relate to our kids how incredible blessings can be received in the middle of some of the biggest and most difficult phases of our lives. I have felt from the beginning of this journey that the saddest thing that could happen would be for my family and I to go through this with our eyes and ears closed, not hearing or seeing what it is God is wanting us to see and hear and learn and know. Being able for our girls to not only see the tragic and bad side of things that happen but to also show them that God shows up in unimaginable, unexpected ways, sometimes in the midst of storms, through His people, is a lesson we are so grateful you have helped them to see and hear and learn. I don't know who you are, but I do believe that God has given you the heart you have. I believe God used, a willing you, to be a huge blessing to me and Wendell and our children. I believe and pray that God will repay you a hundredfold for being this blessing to us. I have no way of ever personally repaying you, even if I knew who you are, I don't have the means. In the past, Wendell and I have tried to be a blessing to others who we would know were in need. We have never been rich of course, LOL!!! But the Lord has always allowed us to have jobs and health to work and make ends meet and we have always tried to consider those who would be going through rough times. I want you to know we hope to be on our feet and once again be able to be there for others as God directs our path in the future. I just want you to know that your gift to us was not received without thinking of what it means. I want you to know that we did not receive it with an ungrateful or unthoughtful heart. We have a great desire to be able to be the kind of blessing you have been to us, to others as God directs and allows us to be. I hope that even though thank you is all I have to give to you in return at this point, knowing all this, lets you know we hope to not ever let your gift to us, be in vain. As I have said, I don't have any idea who you are and I don't know if you read my blog so I am going to print this post and put it in a stamped envelope and give it to Bro. Jones and ask him if at all possible that he find your address and mail this to you. If you don't read my blog, http://www.therewillbegrace.blogspot.com/ , you do not know the other posts I have written leading up to this one and telling of how God has worked in our hearts and lives in the past regarding a monetary amount of $10,000.00. I hope if you haven't already, you will in the future, read these posts so as to understand how God has chose to work in incredible ways in my and Wendell's life regarding $10,000.00 and how we feel as if your gift is, in a way, a continued version of this work. Once again as inadequate as it may sound, we Thank-You from the bottom of our hearts for your gift to us. I hope this post has let you know somewhat of what it has meant to Wendell, our kids and myself. We pray that God has and will continue to bless you over and over again!!! Well this post finaly ends "post #200" or does it?.................LOL!!!

Part 4 of Post #200: One Of Our Biggest Blessings On This Journey.

2011-03-31T21:58:00.000-04:00

Part four of post #200. I was nearing the end of my treatments when Bro. Jones called one day and asked Wendell if he could meet him at the bank latter that day. He didn't give Wendell a reason so we began to speculate that maybe the church was giving us another love gift or maybe Wendell was needed as a witness for some legal papers or something. Anyway, Wendell left to meet Bro. Jones at the stated time. A little while latter he called me to tell me what had transpired. He had met Bro. Jones at the bank because someone wanted to give us a gift, anonymously. They went through the Church and Bro. Jones so as to stay anonymous to us. We still to this day do not know who this person is. They told Bro. Jones that they felt like it was what they were suppose to do...give us this gift. Wendell called me that day to tell me someone had gave us a gift and said they wanted us to use it to pay Doctor bills, or use it for our business, or use it to take me on the best vacation I had ever been on, they didn't care how we used it, they just felt like they needed to give it to us. Wendell said guess how much it is? I said I had no idea, how much? He replied it was $10,000.00 dollars. $10,000.00 dollars! There was that number again. My thoughts went immediately back to the original donation to the Fellowship Tract League. There is no doubt in my mind that God was once again rewarding Wendell for his obedience. I will always feel God placed that gift on the heart of the person who gave it to us. I will always feel God had a specific reason for the amount being $10,000.00, To show us He is Faithful and Just!!!! I cried for days after that and am still crying today as I think about it. My medical bills had piled up quickly. It was looking like, after the insurance had paid their share, we were going to be left with about twenty five thousand dollars of bills to pay. I tried not to worry about them and would think we would start paying when we could and would pay what we could probably for many, many, years until it was paid off. I felt so guilty for adding this financial burden to the list of burdens my family was already enduring because of me. I knew these bills would be a part of our lives for the rest of our lives. It was getting close to the end of the year and the hospitals and different places started calling saying if we would pay a certain reduced price on our bills with them they would count it as payment in full!!! They wanted to get some kind of payment and be able to clear our and other accounts off their books before the end of the year. Wendell made agreements with several of them. Because we had recieved this money, we were able to pay the lump sum they were requesting, which lowered the total amounts we owed all together. Without this money we would have had to pay small monthly payments and would not have gotten the reduced price. I sat at the kitchen table soon after that with my check book and the huge stack of bills. As I wrote each check I cried like a baby!!! I felt like shouting over the goodness of God!!!! Since we had received that money, we were able to meet the request of some of the Hospitals and other places that just wanted our account closed before the end of the year, and sent them a one time reduced payment. There were others that I had to pay in full. When all was said and done, the twenty five thousand that we were originally going to be left owing was now about twenty five hundred.!!!! Because of this gift we no longer have huge medical bills hanging over our heads. Don't get me wrong, I still frequent the Doctors office fairly regularly and I also have the PET scans every six months which have left us owing some, but it is nothing like it would have been without the anonymous blessing of the gift. We are now able to stay somewhat caught up on my medical payments and typically have an outstanding balance of somewhere in the neighborhood of $2,500.00. As I said when starting this #200 blog entry....I had been a little uncertain about sharing this openly here for fear the devil would use it to spawn some since of hurt or jealousy in someone who has gone through a similar trial in their lives and God did not "show up" with this blessing for them. I don't understand why God has chosen to be sooo good to me, I just know I praise His Holy name for His unending Grace and Mercy to my little family. The journey we have faced with this ugly word "cancer", has been a very long and difficult one. It has altered our family in ways we never knew. We, every day, face the effects of it. We have faced the very real physical pain and agony of this disease. I am left physically changed for the rest of my life. I have scars that are very visible, I have a speech defect that leaves strangers and even friends wondering if this journey has left me a little "not right". I have physical aches and pains daily that I never had before and have been told will be with me and will possibly get worse over time. I have difficulty swallowing and opening my mouth that makes eating difficult and even impossible with certain foods. I feel as if I almost looked death in the face at times on this journey. But somehow, God, through His marvelous, ever Sufficient Grace, has brought me and my little family through this battle and to a place where we can look back and see clearly His working in our lives!!!! I have no explanation as to why God lead us through this in the manner He did, with the added and very unexpected and undeserved blessings along the way. Just as I don't understand why He called my Mother home the day before I was to start this walk. Life is soooo full of valleys, so full of ups and downs. None of us can see into our future here in this life. We face unexpected hurts, loneliness, and pains, it almost seems continually on this walk. But walking with Him makes the valleys "do-able". He can give unimaginable grace and peace to us as we go through the difficult stages in our lives. During the bad times we learn Who is in control. We learn to lean solely on Him. We learn that He is our Hope no matter the outcome of the situation. We learn that through prayer and yielding to Him we can gain an unimaginable Peace in the middle of a raging storm. I don't want this story to end here. I have one more post that I want to write to bring an end to this never ending post #200!!!! So I hope to be back in a day or two to post the last one in this "series".....

Part 3 of Post #200 Then Came Cancer

2011-03-29T23:30:00.001-04:00

Part three of Post #200.

It had been several years since we had experienced the blessing of God that I have written about in the first two posts of post #200. I had not, and will not, ever forget those blessings of God, but we had long since spent that money and only thought of that time in our lives from time to time.

Then the dreadful "c" word entered our world and we were in for the fight of our lives... The fight for our life.

I'll never forget the night we told the girls and Aaron I had cancer. We had waited until we had no choice but to tell them. I couldn't stand the thought of them worrying over me one second longer than they would have to. It was a difficult time. We told Josh and Stephanie and the rest of our family the next day, which was Sunday. It was hard watching them hurt, not knowing what the outcome would be. I wanted them to understand that God was in control and He had a reason for everything that happens and as long as we had His Grace we would be able to deal with whatever was to come. I wanted them to understand that the cancer was not in control...God was...if He wanted me to live 10 more minutes, 10 more seconds, or 10 more years, that was how long I would live. We had to trust Him.

I remember being so sick while going through the surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy. During this time we were receiving medical bills that our insurance was not paying anything on. I would spend countless hours on the phone and on hold with a representative from our insurance. Every time I would talk to them they would tell me some requirement that I had failed to meet. I would only learn of these new requirements each time I would call. I would get off the phone and start the process of meeting each new requirement. I remember thinking how something needed to be done with our health care system. It was a terrible feeling to be so sick, actually feeling as if you may be on deaths doorstep, and having to argue with your insurance company who you had paid a large premium to, on time, every month, to get them to live up to their end of the deal and pay the bills!!!! I would be so sick and so fatigued and would still have to deal with this. By this time I was getting threats to be turned over to collection agencies. There was no way we could pay the mounting bills. It took about eight months and me finally getting ugly with a supervisors supervisor to finally get them to start paying their portion of my medical bills that had piled up and where over one hundred and sixty thousand dollars. During this time so many people were helping us in so many ways, including financially. People would hand Wendell money and tell him they wanted to pay for our gas to get to Nashville. People would give him money wanting to buy his food and what ever he would need while staying in the hospital with me. People would hand us cards that when we opened them contained money to help with our struggles. Churches that we have attended and some we have never attended wanted to help and would send us love gifts, time and again. I can't control the tears now as I think of the goodness of the people God has created!!! I don't think anything we could do or say could ever convey how blessed we were during this time!!! God is soooo good!!!! People with their own struggles would want to help us and would give us what I know they could have used for their own needs. Oh how I pray God has paid them back tenfold!!!! Once again ....The story could end here, where the blessings were more than I could ever deserve. But it didn't.....God was not through....

Post # 200 Part 2 ... The Middle Men

2011-03-28T00:58:00.000-04:00

Part two of post #200......
It was almost Christmas...almost time for Wendell's annual Christmas bonus....almost time for our annual "crack of dawn" shopping trip.....

Wendell had received a bonus at Christmas every year, since he had been working for the company he was working for. It was always somewhere between $2,500.00 - $3,000.00. We always looked forward to getting this check and considered it a huge blessing. We would spend some of it on Christmas shopping, some on paying off bills, and we would always try to use some of it to be a blessing to someone else who was having a more difficult time. Well, this year when he received his check we couldn't believe the amount!!! Yeah, I know what your thinking....the Lord had provided...and your right.... only ......the Lord had provided over and above what He had asked for!!! Wendell had done some additional work that they wanted to reward him for. His check was for $15,000.00!!!! The Lord had not only provided the amount He had asked of Wendell, but he had also blessed us with $5,000.00 to do with as we wanted!!!!! We had never had that much money in our lives. At the time we received this money there was a lot of things we could have done if we had viewed it differently. The $15,000.00 would have paid off a HUGE portion of the bills we owed at the time and could have made a big difference in our living pay check to pay check. But we never viewed it that way. We know the Lord gave us that money to give to the Fellowship Tract League. We were just the middle men that God blessed with the opportunity to receive the tremendous blessing that comes from being willing to be used of God, and from being willing to give. Wow, you can only imagine the joy that filled our hearts when Wendell was able to write that check and put it in the offering plate!!!! You can only imagine the joy, and I must admit, pride, I felt in knowing Wendell was open to listening when the Lord speaks to him and obedient in heeding the Will of God. Wow, it's so amazing to see the way God works!!! He had asked for something that within Wendell and my own means would have been impossible to accomplish. But God had not ever intended on Wendell or I accomplishing this on our own. He was just letting Wendell know He was going to use him to get this needed money to the tract league. When you begin to think even farther back...I wonder how God must have spoke to, or placed it on the heart, of the one who was making the decisions about bonus amounts!!!!

We didn't tell everyone about this, then, because it was not something we wanted to brag within ourselves of, but we did share it with our kids as a lesson to how if your willing God can use you, and what He asks for, He can and will provide!!!

Well, this part of the story could end here, but it didn't. There is more to tell of this awesome, amazing God we serve!!!

That next year life continued on as usual. At the end of that next year I gathered all our tax records together and took them to our accountant to prepare our income tax return. We had NEVER got back more than $3000.00, even when everyone we knew was getting back 6 & 8 thousand, even when all our kids were "countable." That next year when we got our return back from the accountant we were astonished to see we were going to receive a return in the amount of $10,400.00!!!! The first thing I thought of was Wendell being obedient to giving what the Lord had asked and provided, I knew in my heart that this was the Lord's way of rewarding Wendell for his faithfulness and willingness to serve God. I don't know if this seems like much to others but to us it was Wonderful!!!! We have both worked hard for what we have. The Lord has always provided, and we have always been able to find jobs and have had the health and strength to work hard. We both started working at young ages, I was 15 when I got my first job and up until the cancer had always worked. We don't have college educations, so up until Wendell got the job he was working at this time, we had both always worked, first in the fast food industry when we were young, and then in factories. So to receive that amount of money to us was like winning the lottery!!!! We were able to put a down payment on a camper we had been dreaming of, pay off some additional bills, and, as we had always tried to do, give a portion to someone having a rough time. Boy!!! God was sooo good to us!!!!! I know in my heart that God told Wendell to do something, give the money He was providing, to the Tract League, Wendell heeded the voice of God, and God has rewarded our family again and again for Wendell's obedience. Wendell could have second guessed everything, deciding that maybe he just "thought" God was speaking to him. That huge amout of money could have really advanced our family financialy. But he didn't. Everyone has always said "You can't out give God". We have had our financial struggles over the years just like most normal people. We have never had a large savings account but God has always provided our needs. I am in awe of the goodness of God, each time I think about these events...God speaking, Wendell obeying, God being Faithful. This Holy and Faithful God owes us nothing but through His goodness has time and again rewarded our family for Wendell's obedience.

This story could end here....but it doesn't......I got cancer...our lives began to change...Part 3 of Post #200 to continue telling of one of the biggest blessings God provided on our journey....coming soon....

BLOG ENTRY # 200

2011-03-26T10:21:00.004-04:00

I noticed the other day, when posting my last blog entry, that the next one, this one, would be post number 200. I thought about how, when I started this, I would have never dreamed how important it would become to me (and to Wendell when I was sick.) It brought me comfort, when I was ill, to know I could reach out and share what was going on with me physically, to all of you, and you would immediately be there to pray for each situation. Wendell, I know, had a lot of lonely days and nights sitting by my side while I was going through treatments or in the hospital, that being able to communicate through this blog with you and to receive a response helped to keep him going. In all honesty, being able to communicate back and forth with so many of you was what gave Him the strength to keep facing each day.
When thinking of Post #200 one thinks "Wow!!! that's kind of a milestone." One that should possibly be celebrated with an awesome, heartfelt, deep thinking, entry!!! LOL!!! I mentioned in the last post how God had blessed Wendell and I and our family in ways that I have not spoke of here but would when I felt the Lord was leading me to. In this post I am going to share one of the biggest blessings the Lord allowed us to experience on this journey. I have quite frankly not shared it openly for fear the devil would use it to spawn some since of hurt or jealousy in someone who has gone through a similar trial in their lives and God did not "show up" with this blessing for them. I don't understand why God has chosen to be sooo good to me, I just know I praise His name for His Goodness, Grace and Mercy to me and my little family.
Well, before we continue you may want to fix your coffee and grab a sandwich because to relate how awesome God is, I can't bring myself to leave out one minor detail, so this may be a long one!!! You see to relate this story we have to go back several years....long before the ugly "C" word became a member of our little family....we have to go back to a time when we were just ordinary people... living un-extraordinary lives...working hard to make ends meet.....OK maybe that's a little too dramatic!!!LOL!!! But here we go...............................

Several years back, Bro. Jones, our pastor, started announcing in Church, that in a few weeks he would be taking up a special offering to help with the purchase of a new printing press for the Fellowship Tract League, (a mission work that our church faithfully supports.) For those who may not know, us saved, independent baptist, use little pamphlets called "tracts" to help spread the wonderful gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ. These tracts are printed and given to us at no cost, the Fellowship Tract League and others like them are non profit and operate on donations and by great Faith!!! We are able to either hand these tracts directly to others or leave them places where they will be read, such as on the tables in our dining room at the store. They are also shipped to missionaries all over the world to be used as an additional aid in telling others, who may have never even heard of Jesus Christ, about the wonderful gift of God's son. We feel as if by contributing to this wonderful work, we, in a round about way, have a part in the extraordinary blessing of spreading the gospel around the world and of hopefully contributing to leading others to Christ!!!! I am not sure how much this printing press was going to cost, but I do remember that Bro. Jones' goal was for our church to contribute $100,000.00.
Wendell never does anything in a small way...he goes about everything he does with a huge heart and GREAT ambition. So, after Bro. Jones' announcement one day, Wendell asked me if I had been thinking about it. I replied that I had and he then asked me what I thought we should contribute. I said I didn't know, but secretly I was thinking $1000.00 would be wonderful, but we would really, really, have to cut back and save every penny we could get, and even then I wasn't sure it was a goal we could obtain. I then asked him, somewhat hesitantly, what he was thinking. I say hesitantly, because his over ambitious nature can be financially frightening at times!!!! Well, he was not going to disappoint me this time!!!LOL!!! He started out by saying, "Don't freak out. But the Lord has laid an amount on my heart that I know we are suppose to give." I said ok, just tell me. His reply was .....$10,000.00. Well needless to say I didn't freak out, after all you can't give what you don't have. I just kind of smiled at what I thought to be the ludicrousy of that amount. We didn't even have a tenth of that in our savings and there was just no way!!!! He might as well have said a million dollars, it would have made just as much sense!!! I did, however, feel the need to ask, so I asked him how in the world he thought we were suppose to do that? I mean, I love to give too, but we had to be realistic here!!! To this he replied he didn't know, he just knew that was the amount the Lord had laid on his heart and he KNEW that was what we were suppose to give. Needless to say, I didn't loose any sleep over this, I just thought he had to be somehow mistaken in the direction the Lord was leading and if by some weird chance he was right, then the Lord would provide.

Well, I see now that this story is way to long for one blog entry or to even write or read in one sitting, so I will pause here. Kind of like where I am leaving off.... we just continued to live our uneventful lives and I tried to, as hard as it was, to start putting back a few dollars here and there on my own, (notice the key words, on my Own, I was definately not trusting in the fact that the Lord could actualy provide what Wendell said He had placed on his heart.) Anyway...Part 2 to blog #200 coming soon...after a shower, some laundry, house cleaning........

Two Years Later. He Is Still All. I Am Nothing.

2011-03-23T16:21:00.008-04:00

Two Years ago today!!! My first cancer surgery.
My Mom had suddenly and unexpectedly passed, on Monday night at about 7:00 p.m. We spent that entire day at St. Mary's Hospital in Knoxville, hoping for a miracle, but it was not the Lord's will. He was ready for her and called her home that evening.
Wendell and I left the hospital in Knoxville, drove home to Oakdale, packed our bags and headed out to Nashville. I'll never forget that drive. So many emotions, yet feeling so numb.
We spent the night in a hotel, rose early, and arrived at Vanderbilt at about 6:00 am. We had checked, under the circumstances, on postponing my surgery. The cancer had already grown quite a lot and if I postponed, it would be another month before they would be able to reschedule me. The family insisted I go ahead with the surgery and we had Mom's funeral that weekend when I got out of the hospital.
That was the beginning of our journey and what I think of as "our cancer year". Pretty much everything in our lives, that year, 2009, revolved around fighting my cancer. It was a hard year and one I hope to never repeat, but God was faithful and merciful to my little family and we came through it all with a stronger love and bond. He taught me many lessons that year. When I was going through the radiation and chemo I was so fatigued and sick quite often, that I had plenty of time to "Be Still And Know That He Is God!!!" He brought me quickly to the point of relying solely on Him and knowing He is in control. I realized more than ever before how He is ALL and I am nothing. I know to some it may sound crazy, but if I could have changed the year of cancer, I would not. The closeness and communion that came from relying every minute on His Grace, brought unimaginable Peace to my heart and soul. That experience was heart changing and one I would NEVER change if I could. The guidance He provided was, I know, a direct result of all the prayers that were going up on my behalf from all of you. Some, I still to this day, do not know personally, but took the time to think and pray for me. I am forever humbled and grateful for that. There were so many times when God made the direction I was to take crystal clear. There was one time, I will forever regret, that He made His will clear to me, yet I did not heed His will and went the way my Doctors were suggesting. I know, for that, I suffered things I would not if I had had the courage to stand my ground. Anyway, there are some things that the Lord has done for me and my family through this experience that I have yet to tell here, but plan on sharing when I feel it is His will that I do so.

2010 I feel was my "year of recovery". I spent most of 2010 recovering from all the treatments and gaining some energy back. 2010 was filled with many Doctor visits and several scares. I began, once again, to live my life.

Now, here I am, two years later!!! Still living my life and loving my little family. God has been sooo good to me. So many others with my diagnosis, have not had the same outcome. I am definitely not the same person I was prior to two years ago and hearing those words "You have cancer." I have definitely changed mentally and physically. I deal daily with health issues I didn't have before. I have to admit, it is not always easy to deal with these symptoms and I am still trying to investigate and get to the bottom of what my body is trying to tell me. But I am soo grateful to be here, and know that it is a direct response to those prayers that went up for me.
I thank-you for helping me to have life and to live.

Mom

2011-03-23T00:01:00.007-04:00

Mom was there, of course, the day I was born.

After having babies of my own, I can imagine her joy.

I can see her changing diapers and feeding me daily, and caring to my every tiny little need.

Mom dressed me in the cutest little outfits, and took many pictures of the special occasions, like Easter Dresses and Christmas outfits.

Mom kept me home until starting first grade, she always said kids spend enough time in school, there is no reason to send them earlier...kindergarten was optional back then.

Mom came to every school function I can remember being involved in.

Mom walked most places with us, since Dad drove the car to work. This of course, at the time and place, the 70's, in Southern California, was not trashy or unusual, it was very much the norm for everyone.

Mom would walk, with us in tow, to the store, and as a child I always looked forward to the privilege of eating lunch at one of the stores' lunch counters. Mom always let us choose what we wanted to eat.

Mom would get the groceries or what ever supplies we had come for and we would start the walk back home. I remember one time we were on the sidewalk that ran in front of the grocery store. There were two people, walking in front of us, doing funny looking things with their hands. I asked my Mom what they were doing and she said they were deaf and were talking with their hands!!!! That sounded so exciting to me and I tried as hard as I could, to get close enough to them, to hear their hands talking!!!! They finally went in a store and I never got to "hear" a word!!!!!

Mom was always there sitting in the audience at every school function, talent show, play or whatever, that I was involved in. Like I already mentioned, she usually would walk to these affairs in the hot southern California sun.

I can't remember a birthday that did not involve a home made cake and a party or sleepover.

I very rarely received a toy or a present when visiting any store throughout the year. But for my birthday or on Christmas I always KNEW, what I asked for I WOULD receive. I never remember one occasion that I did not receive the item I had asked for.

In the summer, Mom would walk with us, or, as we got older, give us the money and allow us to walk to the county swimming pool to spend the day playing in the water and sunning ourselves for hours before walking or riding our bikes back home.

Mom gave us the money for admittance and of course some for snacks and let us ride our bikes to the daily summer movie matinee.

We learnt how to bowl and would be allowed to go to the local bowling alley to play a couple Saturday night games.

Mom and Dad took us to Disney Land, Knotts Berry Farm, Magic Mountain, Sea World and all the other amusement parks located in the vicinity of where we lived in Southern California. We would go at least once a year to at least a couple of these places.

I don't remember a lot of hugging and kissing or voiced "I Love Yous". There were very, very, few times I can think of where these things were said and done. There was not a lot of hugging or compliments handed out, I believe Mom thought more on the things we needed to hear that would make us into better people. Mom wasn't a lovey- dovey, huggy- kissy, person to me.

However, on the other hand, Mom was a very strong woman who took care of her family the way she knew how. Our house was always spotless, nothing ever out of place. Breakfast, even if it was just cereal was made, dinner was always on the table, ready and waiting when my dad came home from work. Our clothes were always washed and clean and ready to be worn. We never lacked anything we needed physically. We were taught to clean our rooms and make our beds and mow the yard, but we actually assisted very little with all the things Mom did and that it took to run a five member household.

After Moving back to Tennessee, when I was fourteen years old, Mom not only continued, as a Mother, doing the things at the house, she also began working outside the home. As with everything Mom did, she took her jobs seriously and was a dedicated, professional employee.

My Mom was a good woman, who did the best she knew how, with everything she did.

Mom was often embarrassed by the fact she did not have a high school diploma. Mom had had to quit school in the eighth grade to help at home, while her Mother was ill and she had 10 other siblings. I have to admit, I always felt sad for her when she would mention not having a high school education as if it made her feel less intelligent. To me, that thought was ridiculous!!! Mom may not have had all the "book" intelligence that one can acquire, but Mom was a very intelligent lady, who through her life time was able to learn to do and accomplish anything and everything she set her mind to.

Mom was not real happy when I first became involved with Wendell, but over the years they became each others biggest fans!!!LOL!!! Boy, would she be proud of him now if she had been here for the last two years!!! I can almost hear her singing his praises!!!!

Until you have been there, the loss of a Mother is a feeling that is hard to understand. Loosing the one person who had been involved in pretty much every aspect of your entire life is difficult to come to terms with at times. I miss Mom more today than that dreadful day she left us two years ago.

My joy becomes somewhat restored in the knowledge that we will someday see, speak, and continue on, together!!! I Love You Mom!!! Sept. 12, 1942 - March 23, 2009

P.S. I was always so proud of her beauty!!! She was 66 years old but did not look or act old. She use to ask my advice on her wardrobe and what she was wearing. She was always a very stylish lady. She would always ask me "Do you think I look like I am trying to dress too young?" My reply to her was always the same.."NO Mom, you look great!" (I don't understand these women, who, when they reach a certain age, think they have to start wearing elastic waist, polyester, with large designs,). So my answer was always the same to her ..."Mom you look beautiful!! When you get to that age where you feel the need to start wearing what looks like your kitchen curtains or table cloth we will need to talk!!!" LOL!!!!

Colonoscopy

2011-03-19T09:44:00.002-04:00

Well, I went this past Wednesday for the most dreaded test....a colonoscopy. I have had problems for years, even before the cancer, but was way to scared to go for the test. I now feel as if I have no choice, in order to keep my sanity I MUST get to the root of my on going health issues. I have SEVERE constipation and am unable to use the bathroom without taking medication first and even then it is a major ordeal!!! I am nauseated frequently, I have absolutely no energy, I have severe bone and joint pain, I have night sweats that force me to the shower in the middle of the night, I have low grade fevers about three times a week, and I also itch constantly (the itching may be due to the meds. it's hard to be sure.) Anyway, I am finding it increasingly hard to deal with all these issues. I spend at least three days a week layed up, feeling miserable. The medicine they give, to clean you out before the test, is noooo fun!!! Since I have problems anyway, I was very miserable the day before and the morning of the test. I was feeling pretty emotional and told Wendell I felt as if I could deal with anything they found, except to hear they found nothing. I KNOW that sounds crazy, but in my discouraged state of mind, I felt as if this test was my last hope to get to the bottom of these issues. If they found something we could work on making it better, if they found nothing, then what? They found nothing. I know the nurses probably thought I was crazy, they were sooo sweet. I couldn't hold back the tears when they told me the results. I am just having a very hard time dealing with feeling so miserable everyday. I was never sick before the cancer, now I never feel well. I do want to say the test is nothing, if you are in need of having a colonoscopy don't waste time thinking twice about it. They knocked me out before they took me in for the test and I knew nothing until they woke me up afterwards. I had no aftereffects at all, I can't even tell I had anything done. So if you need one, take it from a very big chicken, there is nothing to it!!! As far as my issues go, I feel as if I am at a loss right now. I feel miserable most days. The night sweats have actually turned into all day sweats. I can't explain how this makes you feel, it's just a miserable feeling. When I am feeling so miserable I know I am miserable to be around. My poor family :( Part of me wants to just give up and live with it but there is the other part of me that knows this is not the way to live, if there is anything I can do to improve the situation. I feel as if all I ever do now is complain. When I was dealing with the cancer, it was like being on a mission to destroy it. I felt like I was being pro active, even though the treatments were hard to deal with, I knew I was making progress to get better. Now that the cancer is gone, I am left feeling a little hopeless not knowing what the root of the problems are or how to make them better. I don't know if these symptoms are the after effects of the radiation and chemo, or if they are something new. I just know I hate feeling and acting so miserable. I hate feeling as if all I do is complain. But my symptoms are very real and are getting really hard to live with. I am praying the Lord will show me the direction I need to go.

Trust

2011-03-14T00:05:00.003-04:00

I'm going to try not to speculate and try desperately to rely on my "word" which is Trust. I know there is definately something not right, I'm just unsure how wrong it is, so this is the time when I am going to not speculate, and just "Trust" that what ever the Lord has in store for me, is for my good. I am having tests this week. If you think of me please pray that above all I will remember to "trust".

Our Little Joy.

2011-03-07T11:15:00.009-05:00

Everything seems to be moving right along....Jean is home and doing well...Wendell is spending a lot of time working at the store... Kiah is enjoying her senior year of high school...Punky is working at the store and enjoying her friends, Jess is working hard and learning to Kick Box ...it is tax time, and once again I am sooooo far behind it will take me until April 15th 2012 to have everything ready for the accountants!!!! This time of year is very trying for me!!!!

The joy in our lives these days is babysitting my great nephew, who has Wendell, Punky, Kiah and I, wrapped around his tiny little fingers!!! I have babysat him off and on since he was about four months old, he is 17 months now. He is one of ten, of my sisters grand babies. She keeps him while his mother works and I keep him while she works. He has brought JOY back into our household!!! He lights up our home!!! I kept him everyday last week, which is a little unusual, I am feeling as if I have lost my right arm today!!!

By the time I take him back to Teresa in the evening, I am totally EXHAUSTED!!! He wears me out...so full of energy...he is never still!!! But he is worth every exhausting second!!! It is wonderful how God works. The baby came into our lives right after I had finished treatments and had very little energy and was just sitting home feeling so useless most days. He has brought sunshine and joy back into our house. He has gave me a reason to get up and force myself to function everyday!!! Isn't he just the cutest!!!!

Coming Home Today?

2011-02-26T09:36:00.002-05:00

I left the hospital around 8:30 p.m. last night and all was well. Jean is looking very good, her color is good, she has been getting out of bed, walking down the hall, and sitting in a chair for hours at a time. The plan is...she will be released today, sometime after noon. YEAH!!! I told her before I left last night, not to even think about pulling any tricks!!!! I told her when all seems well, she has, in the past, decided to pull little silly tricks!!!! You know...things like a heart attack and such!!! She promised to be good and so far, so good!!! Today marks day #25 for her hospital stay, we're ready to have her back on this mountain again. I think my car can automatically find it's way to UT without me, it's become such a routine. She still has the feeding tube but they are not accessing it right now, she is able to eat a pureed diet, orally. She still has the pick line but it is not being used at this point so I don't know if they will remove it before sending her home. They removed the drainage tube from her back several days ago. You would think she would be extremely week after so much time in bed, but she "cleaned" her room several times yesterday!!!! Thanks for all the prayers on her behalf. She has gone down a long road and seems to be coming out pretty good!!!!

The Pace Maker Is In.

2011-02-22T16:01:00.002-05:00

The Doctor just came in and told us everything went well!!! The pace maker is in place!!! She will be going back up to the room she was in, as of right now she does not have to go to ICU!!! Thanks for the prayers and please continue to pray she will do well. He said she will be sleepy for awhile, so it may be a while before we can talk to her.

A Fever

2011-02-21T20:12:00.003-05:00

We got the call this morning that they were going to place Jeans' pace maker today after 3:00 p.m. We got up there by 2:30 and they took her down a little after 4:00 p.m. We went down with her and waited in the same surgical waiting room where we waited when my Mom had her heart surgery a few years ago :( The doctor came in after about 30 minutes and told us she had a fever which made it impossible for them to do the surgery. They had checked her temperature all day and even up to 45 minutes before they had taken her down and it had been good all day!!! The fever may be the result of infection and if it is and they did the procedure the infection would go directly to the place where they put the foreign body, (the pace maker) which could be deadly. So...he said we would try again tomorrow between 9:00 & 10:00 a.m. Jean was really discouraged. She has not been out of bed since last Thursday, her heart is just too irregular. On the bright side...they have been letting her eat, up until the cut off time for the surgery. And on another bright note... Wendell is still up there with her tonight and they had plans to watch the Lady Vols which she rarely gets to do, but loves the opportunity!!!! Please pray the Lord's will be done, it seems like nothing has gone as planned for her!!!

Today's Update

2011-02-18T10:28:00.002-05:00

Jean had a really rough day yesterday. Wow, we were wondering if we were going to get through the day!!! She began having internal bleeding, she was bleeding out her bowels, and they were left to guess where it was coming from. They were unable to put the pace maker in because of the bleeding, they were unable to do tests to determine the source of her bleeding because they have not placed the pace maker, she was too unstable for any tests. So we were left just waiting to see if she stabilized and if the bleeding stopped. They moved her back into Cardiovascular Intensive Care. By night time she was looking pretty bad. She had began to swell, her face was so swollen, it appeared as if her eyes were barely open. They were, for some unknown reason, allowing her to have ice chips, they had previously said nothing orally for 2 1/2 months or more. They had even at one point discussed letting her eat, we were pretty sure this was not a good sign. It was hard getting any answers yesterday, I think in part because they didn't have the answers. They are saying she stabilized over night. They have given her blood and her vital signs are good. I have not went back up there yet today, Wendell has. I am just having issues of my own that makes it hard to function, especially in the mornings. Also, Wendell and I spent 5 hours in the emergency room yesterday, his blood pressure was out of control....196/110. They finally said it was anxiety and let us go. Please remember him in your prayers. Jean is a very integral part of this big family. The thought of her being unable to return to this mountain is more than any of us can bear at this point!!! She has been very discouraged and doesn't seem to have a whole lot of "fight" in her. Thanks for your continual prayers, I will try to continue to update here. I know so many of you know and care for her.

Back In A Regular Room.

2011-02-16T12:43:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, they removed the catheter and the drainage tube from Jean's body. They discharged her from the CVICU and put her back in a regular room. They are continually feeding her via a pump through her feeding tube. They have scheduled her to have a pace maker inserted, Thursday morning. After she gets the pace maker, if everything goes well, she may be discharged as early as two days later!!! Yesterday marked her two weeks of hospital stays. We miss knowing she is safe and well here on the mountain where she belongs. The girls and I miss hearing her peck on the door for a short visit, usually bringing something yummy with her!!!! If she had not been in the hospital when she had her heart attack, there is no doubt that she would no longer be with us. Once again the Lord has been faithful and good to our family!!! A lot of people complain and joke about their Mother-In-Law, I have truly been blessed with mine. She is such a good woman, always thinking of others. It is wonderful how the family have all came together to do what ever is necessary to help with her care. We do not want to leave her alone there without a family member with her. It would be unimaginable to think she would have been alone while having her heart attack, Sunday morning, Ashley was there with her and Wendell was on his way to relieve Ashley. If anything happens, it is at least a 50 minute drive for most of us, so we want her to have someone from the family there with her 24 hours a day. Wendell made a schedule and everyone has been more than willing, even happy, to be able to feel as if we are doing something to help with her care. To me, that is just a testament to what kind of Mother, Mother-In-Law, Grandmother, Aunt, Relative and Friend she has been to all of us!!!! She has lived far from the easiest of lives. She has been through so many things both emotional and physical and I marvel all the time over how she has came through it all with such a sweet pleasant attitude towards God, family, people, and life in general. I have wondered on many occasions what kind of person, with what kind of attitude, I would be, having gone through all she has experienced. The conclusion I am left with is not something I would ever be proud of. I have often wondered if bitterness would not have been the main emotion in my life.

I spent the night with Jean, Monday night, and became very ill after laying down to sleep at about 1:00 a.m. My bones had ached all day and the pain intensified after laying down and getting still. I became extremely sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to vomit, which I never actually did. I was running a fever around 103*, I have had so many fevers that I have became pretty good at estimating what my temperature is going to be prior to taking it!!! I was covered with three blankets, each doubled, and I was still freezing and was practically paralyzed from the weight of them all!!! I was so sick I just knew I was going to have to call Wendell and Kiah to come get and relieve me. I did not want to do that, I did not want Jean to know I was sick. Jean keeps saying how she hates being such a burden on all us kids. We try to assure her that "burdened" is the not an emotion we feel when thinking about her, but she still feels bad. Anyway, I was able to make it through the night. I was able to take my medicine at about 7:00 a.m. and felt a little better when Wendell and Becky arrived to relieve and drive me home. Wendell rode up with Becky so he could drive me home, once again he was having to care for me :( After arriving back home, I managed to straighten up the house, do a little laundry and book work, and then lie down for a nap. I was feeling ill again. I woke up very sick, running a fever of 100.4* and aching all over. I was also very sick to my stomach again. I have reached a point where I am unable to have a bowel movement without taking Phillips Milk Of Magnesia. I took three doses and read three magazines before gaining relief!!!Heehee!!! It sounds distasteful and even though I try to make lite of it, it is a horrific problem to have. I did a lot of crying and praying. I was able to sleep last night and even woke up fairly late this morning, but I was sick again. I now had diareah, unbearable cramping and was sweating profusely even though I was running a low grade fever of 99.6*. I can bearly get out of bed and walk in the mornings because my bones and joints are so stiff and achy. I have shed so many tears because I was so active and independent before the cancer changed my world. Now I am sick so often, fatigued all the time and very dependent on medication to even get out of bed in the mornings. I want so desperately to get to the bottom of the pain and fatigue. The medicine does a wonderful job in caring for the pain but the medicine wears off way before my next dose is due and so I am left feeling miserable for much of each day or if I take one pill more than prescribed, which I have done on many occasions, I am going to run out before time for my next refill. I feel as if by taking the medicine I am just masking the pain and not getting to the bottom of my problems. My doctor is trying to help me and has run tests trying to make sure he is not overlooking anything and has been left telling me my pain is neuropathic and the fever is from a sinus infection, the night sweats, I don't know? Anyway, I am now praying that the Lord will give the doctor wisdom and direction in finding the root of my problems and the direction of the treatment needed. I have even prayed if my symptoms need to be more frequent and prominent in order for my doctor to be able to see what is actually going on, that God will give me the grace I need to deal with it. It is so hard living in a body that fails to function properly. I really desire your prayers. And I thank you in advance!!!!

Jean Had A Heart Attack Today

2011-02-13T13:54:00.005-05:00

Ashley had spent the night with Jean last night. They had took a stroll down the hall, this morning, and upon returning to her room she was pale, sweating and short of breath....she was having a heart attack. The main artery to her heart was blocked. She was very fortunate to already be in the hospital, where they were able to begin working on her immediately, so hopefully there will be as little permanet damage to her heart as possible. The main artery to her heart had become 100% blocked. They inserted a stint in the artery and she is now in CCICU. They keep giving her medication to make her sleep in the hopes of giving her heart time to rest. They have also left some kind of thing going from her groin area into her heart that pretty much beats for her heart so that her heart is doing very little work, giving it even more of a chance to rest. I don't know what they call this thing or the proceedure, I was trying to be quiet when back there with her so I never asked what it is called. That is pretty much the extent of the information I have on her right now. We do want to thank all of those who prayed for her and us during this time and to also thank all of those who came to the hospital today. When the girls and I left at about 7:00 p.m. there had been a total of 51 people there today!!!! Wendell and Billy will be staying until pretty late and Tim is spending the night. We have made a schedule for one of us to be there with her around the clock for the next week. They will let two at a time go back to see her and one person can spend the night back there with her. So we were all able to go back and spend some time with her today. Please continue to pray for her and I will try to give updates on her progress here on this blog.

A Couple Updates.

2011-02-12T00:04:00.000-05:00

I had begun to write a blog post the other day before finding out we needed to get to Harriman Hospital because they were going to transfer my Mother-in-law to UT. I am now posting that blog, but first an update on Jean's condition....She is doing remarkably better!!!Yeah!!! They took her off the pain pump and are giving her pain medicine through her IV every six hours, which is a big improvement. I stayed with her the first two nights and then Billy stayed last night and Donna is there tonight. Billy said the doctor said this morning that they may send her home this weekend, they need the bed. I guess Donna will find out when the doctor comes in, in the morning, if she was serious. It's a little hard to believe, considering all Jean has been through, in such a short time frame. She is now tolerating the feeding and drain tubes well. They actually started feeding her through the feeding tube today. She hasn't experienced any set-backs so far and hopefully she won't. Please continue to pray for her. I know this is a very trying time for her, but I also know, firsthand, the marvelous grace of God, that is sufficient for our needs!!!!

Well, I didn't want to set some kind of record and go a month or so without sitting in a doctors office, so I decided to make the trip!!!! For the last two months or so I have been experiencing pretty bad night sweats. There are nights when I wake up drenched!!! I have had to get up, sometimes twice in one night, and shower. These night sweats have recently evolved into "day" sweats as well. Also, I have, for the last two months or so, been running a low grade fever, off and on. My body temperature is normally 97.8*. Lately I have experienced times when I begin to chill for no reason. I finally realized that I had a fever and started checking my temperature. It has been running about 99* most times when I check, then on a Saturday night it had risen to 101*. Knowing that night sweats and low grade fevers are a sign of cancer, I began to grow more and more concerned, thus the doctor visit. The bone pain I have been having has also gotten increasingly worse over time. The doctor ran several tests ... a TB test, chest x-ray, head x-ray, EKG, urinalysis, and blood work. The doctor reached a conclusion that I have a sinus infection that is probably causing the low grade fevers. I do not feel as if I have a sinus infection, but he said that was all that showed up, he could see a pocket of infection on the x-rays. So he wrote me several prescriptions and I was on my way. Having had cancer, the night sweats and low grade fevers still somewhat worry me. I know there are people who have had cancer that read this blog, if you have experienced the fevers and sweats and the bone pain I would love to hear from you, to help me understand if this is somewhat normal. I don't mean to sound as if I am always complaining about my aches and pains!!!LOL!!! I am extremely grateful to be alive and here to experience this life with my family. I do have a wonderful life for which I am extremely grateful and very undeserving of. My doctor has prescribed medicines to help with the pain and once I take it I can function normally for the most part, without it I am useless. I just hate being dependent on pills to get through the day. I also feel as if I am just masking the problem with the medication and not curing the problem. I keep hoping my doctor will find the root of my pain problem, give me some kind of wonder drug, and I will magically be cured of the pain and I will no longer be so dependent on the daily medicines. I would really like to hear from someone who has dealt with the cancer/chemo/radiation experience to hear if my bone pain and night sweats and low grade fevers are just something to be expected, even this far out from treatment. I am only seeing my GP on a regular basis now and he is the one who is trying to treat my pain and symptoms. He is not a cancer doctor and does not deal with cancer and the treatments and the after effects, as an oncologist would, who when I tried to get an appointment with, told me I needed to go to my GP. I guess I would rest a little easier hearing that the symptoms I am experiencing now, are common after the things I have gone through. So if anyone out there has any knowledge on these subjects I would love to hear from you either by commenting here or my e-mail address is debbieruppe@yahoo.com .

My Mother In Law

2011-02-10T10:56:00.002-05:00

It’s different staying in the hospital with a patient as opposed to being the patient. Somehow, I think it is almost easier being the patient, than watching someone you care about go through a trial that you are helpless to control or help them with. My Mother-in-law had been in Harriman Hospital since last Tuesday. She was transferred to UT Hospital this Tuesday. I have stayed the night with her the last two nights. She was taken down to have a drainage tube and a feeding tube inserted yesterday morning. Her symptoms began over two weeks ago; it was just hard convincing her she needed to go to the hospital!!!! Dr. Denton admitted her into the hospital as soon as she went to his office. She has been having trouble swallowing. Everything she ate or drank felt as if it was getting stuck in her esophageous. They wanted to do a scope test on her, but they had to take her off of her blood thinner medicine and wait for her numbers to come up, her blood to thicken, before doing the scope test. They were finally able to do the test last Friday. They found a Diverticuli (spelling is probably wrong, but it sounds right!!!); a pouch had formed on the back side of her esophageous close to her heart. They also discovered some irritation in her intestine and the top of her stomach, even though it did not look as if it were narrow, they stretched her esophgeous while they were doing the procedure, hoping it would help. There was also food lodged in the pouch, so the surgeon cleaned it out during the scope test. Afterwards, she was not getting any better, so Monday they did a CAT scan. They discovered what they thought was a perforation under the diverticuli on her esophageous. There is some fluid sitting on the lobe of her lung, which they assume has leaked out of the perforation. They transferred her here to UT for further tests and opinions. The Doctors are amazed that she is not deathly sick from this leakage. Upon first seeing her they thought the doctors at Harriman were mistaken, if she had a leakage she would be much sicker. After leaving the room and reviewing her scans they came back amazed!!! They couldn't get over the fact that she is not deathly sick!!! She was not sick and was not even requiring pain medicine!!! They took her down yesterday morning and inserted a drainage tube to drain what has leaked out of her esopheagus and a PEG feeding tube. This is the part were I have problems keeping my emotions in check. I was threatened with a PEG tube, they had even scheduled me for one, but I refused to have it placed, and by the Grace of God, and with Wendell and Jeans great care, I was able to survive without one. When I was in Vanderbilt ICU, I was unable to eat or drink a drop of anything for seven whole days. Food became easier to live without; not being able to drink was a whole different story!!! I have since joked that at one point I would have sold my liver for a teaspoon of Sonic unsweet tea!!!! Jean has not eaten anything substantial for probably three weeks now. While at Harriman, when they allowed her to have anything, she was given chicken broth and on one occasion tomato soup, which felt like Thanksgiving dinner to her!!!! Their plans are to insert the feeding and drainage tubes, give her strong antibiotics and wait for the perforation to hopefully heal. The only other option would be MAJOR surgery where they would open up her chest and go in and repair the tear, then insert the feeding tube and wait for it all to heal. She will not be able to take anything orally while on the feeding tube and waiting for the perforation to heal, which could take two or three months or possibly even longer!!! PLEASE pray for her, she has been really discouraged thinking on all this, the thought of not being able to even have a sip of water for possibly two to three months or longer, is almost more than she can deal with. I know how it feels to go seven days without a drop of liquids, I can not begin to imagine months!!!! My heart is broke for her. She has been such a help and blessing to me during my cancer journey. I have said more than once, without the grace of God and Jean and Wendell I would probably not still be here. She worried over me constantly. The thought of me being hungry was hard for her to deal with and she made sure she did everything she could to see that I had something I could eat. She has been so good to me; it is killing me to see her suffer!!!!
I started this blog post yesterday but was unable to get it to post until today, so I am finishing it today, if my time line seems a little off that is why.
When she came back from having the procedures done yesterday she was is excruciating pain. They ended up having to take her back down to x-ray to x-ray and adjust on the feeding tube. They said they did not find anything unusual, to be causing so much pain, they said it was probably from the nerves that are involved in that area of her stomach. Anyway, her pain was almost unbearable. She had been given several different, strong, pain killers including morphine and fentynol. These drugs did not even phase her pain. She has not had much luck with morphine before and they were fixing to try hydrocodone, which I new would be useless if the morphine hadn't helped, so I finally suggested they try delauted. They gave her the delauted and slowly but surely she started getting some relief. The night shift nurse pressed for Jean to get a pain pump where she could administer the medicine herself, which has been wonderful. We are finally "ahead" of the pain and she is doing a hundred percent better today. I don't think she or I could endure another day like yesterday!!!! At first she was reluctant to press the button, but after much persuasion she has improved!!! We were finally able to get a little sleep last night which seems to have really helped her. They also put in a Pick line yesterday. She had three major procedures yesterday and they really took a toll on her both physically and emotionally. Today is a much better day!!!!Yeah!!!! She looks and feels soooo much better!!!! Please remember her in prayer, her journey has just begun and it appears as if it is going to be a long, difficult one.

PET Scan Result and A "Word".

2011-01-11T12:40:00.002-05:00

Just received the call from my doctors office....PET Scan is CLEAR..."No evidence of recurrent or metastatic disease." Yeah!!! God is so good to me!!!!
Also, in a previous post I wrote of my sister's idea of praying and choosing a word to hold onto for the year, instead of making the typical new years resolutions. The word the Lord has laid on my heart, that I am going to try to hold fast to in my life this coming year is "Trust". Sometimes, as in the last twenty fours hours, instead of having "trust" that the Lord's will will be done and above all, His will will be the best for me, I have found myself letting my mind wonder and dwelling on my own imaginings. I have found myself, in hindsight, wasting so much time thinking of all the possible outcomes to my tests and even thinking of my possible reactions, emotions and dealings to those, at that point, fictional outcomes!!! When I know I should turn it over to the Lord and have the trust needed to know He is in control. I say and I do trust God. But when I stop and think of how many times instead of immediately trusting in Him, I worry, wonder, and ponder my own versions of things, I realize my trust may not always be up to par and on the level it should be. So trust is my word for this year. A friend, Helen Edwards, has written on her blog, www.completely7.blogspot.com, that she has chosen to choose a word also. Her word is "willing". I received a blessing reading her post and then thinking on that little word "willing". As in Trust, "Willing" is also a small word with big implications and meaning. We say we trust and we say we are willing, but I am not so sure, after giving it much thought, that I am immediately as trusting or as willing as I like to think I am.
Anyway I guess my "words" are a lot of rambling today!!!LOL!!! Time to get busy. Once again THANK-You for the prayers on my behalf. Once again God's grace and mercy has been incredible in my life!!!!

Snow!!!!

2011-01-11T10:44:00.006-05:00

We have had several snows already this winter, but we woke up yesterday to the biggest one this year. We probably have 4-6 inches and it is still snowing off and on here today. I had my PET Scan scheduled for yesterday and was surprised when I called and found they were open for business!!! It took us two hours to make the usual 50 minute to one hour trip. We had to be there at 9:30 am so even the interstate was still treacherous at that early hour. Wendell text my doctor and was able to get us in yesterday after the scan instead of having to make the trip again today, as was previously scheduled. He did not have the results so soon though, and is suppose to call us today with the results. I have to admit it is a little nerve racking waiting to hear. Different doctors say different things. Dr. Netterville said he hopes to never see me again and does not seem to think I should have any more problems. (I sometimes feel he is too optimistic and will not talk about anything even slightly pessimistic.) Dr. Boppanna talked about how well I am doing considering my cancer can be very aggressive and unpredictable. So, It is hard to know what to think sometimes!!! LOL!!! I know what I should be thinking is to TRUST!!!! Anyway I will post the results here when he calls.

I have not snow sled in approximately ten or so years. My last experience at snow sledding was quite comical and very painful. I promise this is a true story!!! It had came a big snow several years ago, the first one for us since we had moved to the mountain. We were all excited about our first snow sledding experience here. We got all bundled up and headed out to one of the biggest hills back behind the house. Everyone else had took their turn going down and it was finally my turn!!! Yeah!!! I was given a big, hard push and off I went flying down the hill, screaming all the way. All was well until about half way down when I lost control, went flying off the sled, and bounced off a frozen cow patty!!! Who knew how hard a cow patty could get in below freezing temperatures!!! It had broke my tail bone!!! OUCH!!!! I actually went to the doctor, had x-rays and it was clearly visible the damage I had done. That was my last sledding experience until yesterday when I just couldn't help myself and I had to try it again. I am happy to announce all went well and no one was injured, although Dylan, Kiah's boyfriend, seemed to

try really hard to do great bodily harm to himself, but was fortunately unsuccessful!!!!

Me preparing for my first "run"!!!!

Me going off into the night!!!

Michael and Stephanie, truly excited about their upcoming trip!!!

Wendell and Dylan, no broken bones!!!!

Jess, Me and Punky ready to ride!!!

"Places"

2011-01-01T13:17:00.006-05:00

Over the last two years I have been many places. As 2010 drew to a close, it for me, became a time of reflection. I have thought long and hard over the many places I have been. Of all my years on this earth I feel I have "travelled" the farthest over the last two years. It has been a long journey but one where if it were in my control I would have only changed one thing, the loss of my Mother. I truly believe God has a reason for everything He allows to come into our lives. I believe there are lessons to be learned through each experience. I know I am far from the best student but have prayed throughout this journey that the Lord would help my eyes to be open to see what it is He has for me to learn. I have a great desire to know and understand His divine purpose for me in this life.

The "places" I have traveled have not all been vacation worthy!!! heehee!!! Some roads I would just have assumed to have taken a detour, if left to my own devices. I am thankful however that my life is not in my own control but in the control of an Omnipotent, loving, and above all, merciful God.

Over the last two years my "travels" have taken me to....

A place of physical pain. a place where my jaws hurt, my teeth hurt, my ears hurt, pretty much every bone in my body hurts. a place of pharmacies and pain medications. a place of antibiotics and toxic radiation and chemotherapy. a place of too many hospitals and dr. offices. a place of endless phone calls and waiting. a place of records and tests and pathology reports. a place of operating rooms and intensive care units, ambulances and back seat truck rides. a place of feeling as close to death as possible but not actually crossing over. a place of total and complete fatigue. a place of hair loss, weight loss and total self esteem loss. a place of thirst and hunger. a place of prosthetic devices and life supporting equipment. a place of oxygen and suction devices. a place of tracheotomy's and suffocation. a place of scalpels and scars. a place of needles and knives. a place of letting go. a place of great mourning. a place of loss. a place of tears. a place of heartache.

But also a place ......
A place filled with family, friends and acquaintances, new and old. A place filled with stillness and silence. A place filled with prayer and meditation. A place filled with reflection and understanding. A place of feeling safe. A place filled with hugs and best wishes. A place filled with love and compassion, trust and faith. A place filled with new understanding and outlook. A place filled with joy and laughter, smiles and sparkle. A place filled with undeserved compassion and kindness. A place filled with hope and immeasurable peace. A place filled with grace and great mercies. A place filled with the love of a mighty God.

I have been a lot of places over the past two years. I know I am far from being alone in travels. So many of us, it seems, have faced some of the most difficult times in our lives over the past year or two. I don't know why it seems we all have faced more than we ever have before. The heartbreak has been real and great. Through it all I know most of you that follow along here have a strong faith in God. Isn't it wonderful that we have Him to lean on and direct our walk. What would we have done without Him? If God is for us who can be against us?

I started thinking about the things I have written in this post after a talk with my sister, Teresa. She was telling me how she has never been one to make New Years Resolutions, but has, in the past few years, prayed about and then chose a word to be "her word" throughout the new year. She told me how that word would become ever present and important in her life throughout the year. I hope she don't mind me sharing, but it was a blessing to me and I feel one that needs to be shared and will be a blessing to others. Her word last year was "Trust". Of course we have talked and grown close over this past year and knowing her trials I know how prominent this little word, with such great connotation, has been in her life over the last 365 days!!!! I am now praying about my "word" for this year.

As I have said I know I am not alone in my "travels" these past few years. I would love to hear from others, your thoughts on the "places" you have been. If you write it on your blog, leave me a link in my comments and I'll certainly drop by. If you don't have a blog leave your "places" in my comment section where we can all read and receive a blessing from them, or e-mail them to me. I would love hearing your thoughts on the "places" you have been. It's as if we are all very different people but face so many of the same joys and sorrows. You may just have one word or two to sum up your "places" or like me you may have many. Also if you decide to pray and choose a word, let us know I will definitely post one here for myself after praying about it. As in the title of this blog, Grace has definitely been my word for the last two years. God's grace has been ever present and sufficient for me!!!!

Appointments

2010-12-31T11:13:00.002-05:00

Wendell went for his surgery to correct the root canal he had two years ago. He was pretty nervous about it on the drive to Crossville and so was I. I kept thinking about how I would have been physically sick if it was me instead of him. It was strange to me, thinking about how I hadn't felt that bad driving to any of my own surgeries. Then it dawned on me, I had known I was going to be put to sleep for mine, he was just numbed!!!! OUCH!!!! I went back with him but watched very little. The doctor said he would not experience much pain afterwards. Boy was he wrong. Shortly after arriving back home he was in incredible pain, and was, even after medicine, for most of the day. Yesterday he was swollen but feeling a lot better.

I woke up not wanting to make the drive to Nashville yesterday, but Wendell insisted we go and wouldn't let me cancel the appointment :( I couldn't help thinking, during the drive and the wait, how wonderful it was to be there without that sick feeling of doom in the pit of my stomach. I had made the appointment for 8:45 am hoping to avoid the normal 3-4 hour wait to be seen. We arrived around 8:30 and left the parking garage at 12:00!!!! Dr Netterville and his wonderful nurse, Jill, could not get over how well I look. They just kept commenting on it which really lifted my spirits and made me feel really good. I asked Dr. Netterville what he thought of my chances for a recurrence. His only answer to that was... it is unusual for this cancer to spread to the lymph nodes and he has felt as if mine showed up in that one lymph node, on the PET scan, (it was in three, I think, but was only visible in one), to give me more incentive to have the reconstruction surgery. He wanted to do the reconstruction surgery because he felt as if it would give me a much better quality of life. So I didn't really get a clear answer to my question but he did release me and said he hopes he never sees me again unless it was out on the street in Knoxville while shopping or something like that. I know the Lord led Wendell and I to Dr. Netterville as an answer to the many prayers that were being prayed for us. Dr. Netterville kept saying how glad he is that I am alive!!!! I honestly believe it is by the grace of God and through seeking His will, and trying desperately to follow His will, that I did survive and am alive!!!! I also believe Dr. Netterville is a good christian man and that it is truly his desire to be used to heal people and help to give them the best quality of life as possible. I know he has a deep heart felt desire to heal and help those who come to him. His "bed side manner" is remarkable!!!! If anyone ever needs a wonderful Otolaryngologist, Head and Neck Surgeon, Dr. Netterville is in the top 5 in the country. To me he is the best of the best!!!

I have a PET Scan scheduled for January 10, 2011. This will be the first one in six months. I have no visible signs of a recurrence. I have had to adapt to a new way of life and have some physical limitations but this has all became a "new normal" way of life for me and nothing too overwhelming that I can't deal with. My only real physical complaints would be the ever present bone pain and the overwhelming fatigue. Even with these two "ailments" I am extremely happy and blessed to be alive as we get ready to say goodbye to 2010 and welcome in the beginning of 2011!!!! I hope and pray that the PET scan will be "clean" and 2011 will begin on an upbeat.

Say A Little Prayer For Wendell!!!

2010-12-28T11:40:00.009-05:00

I had forgot, until receiving a "reminder" phone call last night, that I have an appointment with Dr. Netterville in Nashville, this Thursday at 8:45 am. It has almost been a year since I last saw him. Wow, how time has flew!!!! Unless I have a problem I will just be seeing him once a year for the next several years. Like I said in the last post, I credit God leading us to Dr. Netterville, (and the prayers that went up on my behalf that actually gave us the wisdom to seek the medical help we were able to find), as the reason I have survived and done so well. Dr. Netterville was very thorough in removing the cancer and taking wide margins to help insure getting all the cancer. I still remember the shock of seeing the gigantic hole in my palette after the first surgery. It was amazing how by June, and my second cancer surgery, the healing process had caused the hole to close quite dramatically. I remember my difficulties with the obturator, getting it in and out, with my mouth opening so little. I had actually got to where I seldom even wore it before I had the second surgery. I had learnt how to eat and drink without using it. I can still direct liquids out my nose if I want!!! Anyway... I praise God for allowing me to go almost a year without having to make that long drive to Nashville!!!! I am not anticipating any bad news this trip, as far as I can tell I am doing great. I can not see any sign of a recurrence.

Wendell has an appointment with an oral surgeon tomorrow. He had a root canal 2 years ago that has never felt quite right. He woke up about two weeks ago with a terrible tooth ache. He went to his dentist who took x-rays and discovered that the root canal was not as thorough as it should have been. So, he went back to the doctor who had done the root canal, he saw the problem and is going to repair it tomorrow. He will be undergoing a minor surgery. They say it sounds worse than it actually is ....we'll see!!! They will have to slice open his gum and go in that way!!! YUCK!!!! I think Wendell is a little nervous about it. I can't blame him!!! I NEVER went to the dentist. I have always been scared to death of a dentist. I use to joke that I would rather go through the labor of having a baby than to have to go to the dentist and get a filling!!!! Isn't it ironic how things have a way of turning out? Of all the different forms of cancer, I ended up with oral!!!!Heeeheee!!!!

Please remember to say a little prayer for Wendell in the morning, and also that the Lord will grant us travelling mercies Thursday as we make the trip to Nashville.

I hope everyone has a blessed week!!!

We Have Enjoyed A Very Blessed Christmas

2010-12-26T18:27:00.010-05:00

I hope everyone has had a safe, healthy, blessed Christmas!!! We have at our house!!!! We actually had a white Christmas, the first one, I think they said, since 1976!!!! It is beautiful!!! It started snowing late on Christmas Eve and is still snowing off and on here tonight.

We had our annual store Christmas party on Sunday, December 18th. I love throwing this party. I have so much fun preparing and actually giving the party. It is the one time a year we are actually able to do something a little special for our employees. We have a great group of people working with us at the store. I could never thank them enough for all they did for us during the time I was so sick and going through treatments. They all worked whenever needed and took over and ran the store in the times when Wendell was with me and couldn't be there.

Our fellow workers: Punky, Jonathan, Jess, Shana, Justin, Wendell, Spot, Kiah, Me and Lindsey. Aunt Linda had left before we took the picture and two others, Kayla and Dexter, were unable to attend.

I was browsing through my pictures and found this one of me, a year ago at the store party. What a difference a year can make!!! How good the Lord has been to me!!!

We celebrated Christmas with our kids and close family on Thursday, December 23rd.

Punky, Stephanie, Michael, Renee, Misty, Josh, Mikiah, Me and Wendell.

We celebrated Christmas with Wendell's side of the family on Christmas Eve at my mother-in-laws house. I failed to take any pictures there :( We all had a really good time.

Then on Christmas Day we celebrated with my side of the family here at my house. We had 31 here!!! We were missing 14 others that are usually here. My living room was packed but everyone seemed ok with it and we all had a great time. The food was delicious as usual. My Dad fried the turkey and I baked the ham, Teresa made the dumplings and Misty made the sweet potato casserole then everyone else cooked and brought other dishes and desserts, It was all wonderful!!! No one went away hungry!!!!

This is a picture of my kids and Teresa's boys. Rachel, Teresa's daughter was unable to be here, one of her children were sick :(

Seth, Punky, Stephanie, Josh, Kiah, Malachi, Jason, Lucas and Aaron.

All and all, we had a wonderful Christmas this year. My family has been blessed with health this year which is one of the biggest blessings we could hope for. As this year draws to an end I am thankful for the Lord's blessings on my family this past year. 2009 and 2010 have been the hardest years we have gone through. There have been many ups and downs both physically and emotionally. We have faced trials that we could not have imagined would come our way. Kiah dealt with a diagnosis of Histoplasmosis, and the treatments that followed. She went from 20/20 vision, to off the charts, worse than 20/400. She endured injections in her eye and has came out with 20/20 vision once again, which is pretty much miraculous!! To God be the Glory!!! Then my Mother unexpectedly passing away the day before my first cancer surgery. Then, I have dealt with the oral cancer diagnosis and the surgeries, radiation and chemo that followed. My Mother-in-Law and I were discussing the other day the fact that I have came through it all so well when so many others have not. We both agreed that it was due to the fact that the Lord led us to Dr. Netterville, one of the best ENT surgeons in the country, and the fact that sooooo many people have prayed for me!!!! I am still in awe of how so many people prayed for me, friends, family, aquaintances, and many many people I have never even met!!! God sure has been good to me and my family.

I sincerely hope everyone reading this has also had a wonderful Christmas filled with family, health, good food and most importantly the Love of God. As I think about the upcoming new year my mind becomes a little leary thinking of the unknown journey that lies before us in 2011. No matter what may come our way, I know by and through the Grace of God, all will be well. What ever our future holds, it is such a comfort knowing that our future is held in His hands!!!

Some Embarrassing Health Issues

2010-12-08T20:52:00.003-05:00

I wake up each morning and role out of bed, to actually sit up and bend, after sleeping, is almost impossible these days. The bone pain, although it seemed as if it was going to be controlled with the new medications my doctor had prescribed for me, has returned with a vengeance. I hobble out of the bedroom each morning and down the hall, never lifting my feet, just shuffling across the floor, standing slightly un-erect, bent at the waist, like an eighty year old man!!! The kids find this new posture of mine rather humorous!!! It is repeated time and again throughout the day after sitting for awhile or riding in the car. I go from the bed to my recliner, in the mornings, where I spend 45 minutes to an hour, putting off taking the first dose of meds for the day, knowing the earlier I take them, the earlier they will wear off and loose their effectiveness. Once I give in and take the medication, within fifteen to twenty minutes, I am able to function fairly normal for most of the day. If I let my mind run untamed, I find myself wondering about this bone pain and it's source. Is it a result of chemo? radiation? arthritis? aging? cancer? I am scheduled for a PET Scan the first of January. It will have been six months since my last. This is my first six month span, I was going for one every three months previously. My mouth still opens only about a half inch at it's best and less than that often times. The less opening I have, the worse my speech is. It is hard to eat at times when my opening is small. Not only does it make it difficult to get the food in, it is also hard to get the food to fit between my teeth to chew. This can be quite comical at times but also quite embarrassing when eating out at a restaurant. My table manners appear less than appropriate. I carry plastic spoons in my purse to use when eating out. Wendell and I have one particular restaurant that we love to frequent when the kids are not with us. It's a nice dimly lite restaurant with fancy decor and cloth napkins!!!heehee!!! It's quite fun waiting to see the expression on the waiters face when I pull out my plastic spoon to eat with. I haven't used metal utensils since my first cancer surgery, the sound and feel of my teeth scraping across the metal is more than I can bear!!! It is even more fun when my opening is small, which in turn makes my speech pretty bad, and I order from the menu utilizing my abnormal speech and then pull out my little plastic spoon!!!! The waiters kind of look at Wendell differently after that!!! It's almost as if they have a new found respect for this man, out with this woman, with a less than normal mental capacity!!! Oh well, what can I say? This too I have to laugh about!!!! After all what good would any alternative do for me? On days when my opening is at least a half inch allowing my speech to be better, most strangers I come in contact with, think I am from a foreign country.
One health issue that I have failed to talk about in any of my blog posts, I once again experienced this morning. It's a very embarrassing, not to mention unpleasant, issue to experience or to talk about. That is why I have failed, or I guess more accurately "chosen not" to speak about it here on this blog. It is worse than any of the surgeries I have had, more painful than all the radiation I received, makes me more nauseated than the chemo ever did. That is why I decided to finally speak of it here in the hopes of saving someone else from ever having this problem. I know it is a side effect of the new medication I am taking. So if anyone else has started taking or have changed any of the meds they were taking, I just wanted to give you a little heads up on a possible side effect that you can take precautions to prevent. Well I guess at this point you may be a little curious? It's constipation. This is the second time I have had it to an extreme point. I won't go into great detail here but when I am in the throws of it's violent grip, I find myself thinking of Elvis!!!! I have honestly felt my heart stop beating, I was told by a nurse that it could actually be happening, caused by my Sciatic nerve. Today after about seven hours I finally got relief. By then I was running a temperature of 100.1 and just feeling miserable!!!! It is something that if you have never experienced to an extreme degree, you can not possibly understand.
It's hard sometimes, living in a body that doesn't function as it should. When my mind, although disputed by some :), functions normally, it's hard to deal with the effects of a less than normal functioning body. I couldn't hold back the emotions, I am normally so could at controlling, today.
I broke down sobbing in front of Punky today. I couldn't hold it back and even my will or resolve to hold it back just disappeared. My strong exterior became non existent today. I felt as if I had had all I could endure. I hate doing that. I hate placing that burden on my children. I realize how helpless they must feel. She went in the other room and I heard her dial the phone, Wendell arrived shortly after that. Wendell...what more can I say about him.....he has endured so much....more than a husband should ever have to...but oh how I thank God for letting Wendell be my husband. When he is taking care of me I feel so safe.
Once again, tonight as I write this, looking back over my day, I can still say Thank-You God for your marvelous grace!!!!

A Greater Opportunity To Tell Of God's Grace

2010-11-24T00:17:00.005-05:00

As I have mentioned many times before, in various blog posts, I started this blog mainly to keep friends, family and acquaintances informed as to how I am doing as I dealt with my diagnosis. Call me somewhat selfish, I know, but I figured the more people who knew about my condition the more people would remember to keep me in their prayers :) I also felt from the beginning that God has a purpose to everything He allows to come into our lives. As I have walked this path my family and I have learned to lean on Him more than we ever have in our lives. I felt from the very beginning of this journey that I would need His precious Grace in my life more than I ever had before. I felt as if the only way I was going to be able to handle whatever my future held, was if I was armed with His marvelous Grace. From the beginning that is what I told Wendell and others to pray for when praying for me. I knew it may not be His will for me to fully recover, the uncertainty of my mortality has became ever so evident to me. But clothed in His Grace I knew was the only way I could handle whatever came my way, regardless of the final outcome. And Oh, how He has stood so true and faithful to His word...His promise that His Grace would be sufficient!!!! Having said all this brings me to the other reason I wanted to write this blog....After receiving my diagnosis I spent countless hours searching the web for any and all information I could find on my particular cancer. The Lord led me to a young woman's blog, that had been diagnosed with the same cancer, in almost the exact same spot as mine. She had recorded just about every aspect of her physical journey. This was such a blessing to me, it allowed me to more fully understand what I would be facing. Later, my computer got a virus and I lost a lot of the information I had stored. I have spent countless hours since, trying to find her blog again but have been unsuccessful. Her blog was such a help and blessing to me because this particular type of cancer is so rare. It is hard to find much information on it and even harder to find first hand accounts of people who have been diagnosed and went through treatment for it. For this reason I have wanted to keep a very detailed account of my experience in the hope of being a help to anyone diagnosed in the future. My real hope is to put both of these reasons together and be a help and blessing to others by sharing not only my physical journey but my spiritual one also. Not only do I wish to convey what this diagnosis entailed for me physically, the surgeries, treatments, side effects, etc... It is also my great desire to give God the glory for all He has done for my family and I, as we sometimes walked and often times crawled down this unexpected path we found ourselves on. How that no matter what we may face, we can always stand on God's promise that His Grace will be sufficient. There will Be Grace!!!!
When diagnosed almost two years ago, searching the web, I found a web site created by a man, Dennis, who was an oncology nurse and cancer survivor. He has set up his web site to list the various individual cancer blog sites he has found or been led to and to categorize them under titles of different cancer types. This site has been a tremendous blessing to me and countless others who have been diagnosed with cancer. It gives us a place to go to read others experiences with the form of cancer we have been diagnosed with. I finally emailed him this past weekend thanking him for the hard work he has put into his site and to also ask about adding my site to his list. It was exciting to hear back from him and to learn that he has added my blog to his list of Head and Neck cancers and has also reprinted my email on his home page, dated November 22, 2010 and titled "Cancer Site Kudos". I found this "expanded" opportunity to share not only my cancer experience but also my first hand experience of the precious, wonderful, marvelous Grace of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, with others, so exciting!!!!
For those who might be interested or are facing cancer themselves, his site is http://beingcancer.net/

My Winter "Dread".

2010-11-14T20:14:00.007-05:00

Well, I have no problem proclaiming my LOVE for summer, but have debated on whether or not it's ok to talk about my winter "dread". I guess it's the thought of the long months of being couped up in the house, I hate being cold. I find it incredibly hard to function when I am cold. I already miss taking walks in the evening, sitting by the pool for hours with the girls and all the other fun things that automatically go along with summer. It really hasn't even been all that cold yet, but my winter "dread" has already set in. It's almost as if with daylight savings time and setting back the clocks, my emotional clock gets set back too. When the sun shines bright, it is so easy to have happy thoughts, but when the days are dark and dreary it seems easier to let the unhappier side of things take over and I find myself thinking on some of the unpleasant things that have happened, more often than I normally would.

I really, really, miss my Mom these days. When she was living, I know I got caught up with my life, family and obligations that I didn't see or speak to her as often as I should have. But all I had to do was pick up the phone and she was there. Now that opportunity no longer exists, it is hard to deal with at times. When I needed a recipe or just cooking advice in general she was there. When I couldn't remember details of something, she would. Just the simple little things is what I miss so much. Losing my Mom so sudden and so unexpectedly and battling cancer has brought me mentally to a point where I haven't been before. The uncertainties of life have became so much more evident in my mind than ever before. It has caused me to realize, even more, how so many things I may have dwelt on, or wasted time worrying over, are so insignificant in the scheme of things.

I kind of thought that once you went through the treatments and were declared "cancer free" all was good. What I have learned is, once you have had cancer, you are never completely rid of all the cancer cells in your body. They are still there, in a sense "travelling" through your body, you just hope and pray they don't stop and take up residence!!! So, I realize, now more than ever before, how fragile my life really is.

Sometimes it even becomes scary and somewhat depressing to be happy. Which I am. Happier and more content than I have ever been in my....um...well...lets just say... some where over thirty years on this earth!!! But get this, I find myself, in my winter "dread", battling depression over being happy!!!! Afraid of being "too" happy, afraid "the other shoe will drop". Like I said, it is so much easier to stay positive when the sun is shining bright, warming my heart and soul but a bit harder to fight the crazy depression that can linger in the back of my mind when the sky is cold and dreary.

I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom in this blog but just want to be honest in what I say. I always welcome input from others, by way of blog comments or email, who may or may not be feeling the same way. I know that we all have our own unique path to walk. We all have our own way of coping and dealing with the things we face in this life. I know so many others may not have dealt with cancer but are dealing with other issues that I have never had to face. Even though the issues may not be identical they can generate the same emotions. Emotions that can leave us feeling drained and somewhat down if we let ourselves think of and dwell on them.

On top of all the things I have already mentioned, I also face the quilt of feeling even the slightest bit of unease or depression when the Lord has blessed me far beyond anything I could ever begin to deserve. For the most part I feel like one of the luckiest and most blessed women on earth. I love my husband and kids more than I could ever begin to express and know I have never done anything worthy of deserving the family God has blessed me with. It's funny but I don't question the bad things that have happened because I know even though I may not like them or understand them, God is in control and has a reason for all He allows to happen in my life. The funny part is I question what I have ever did to deserve His countless blessings on me.

I realize this particular blog post may seem scattered and hard to truly understand what I am thinking or trying to convey. I guess the short of it is... I write all the time about the goodness of God and how he has blessed me beyond measure. I know it is through His precious Grace I have came through all that has transpired in my life. When I have had pain or have been scared, He has been there picking me up, supporting, and even carrying me when I had no strength to walk. Oh, the true joy there is in knowing and belonging to Him. The sweet peace that can come with communing with Him. I can't express how good He has been to me and my family. He has brought great peace in the midst of a raging storm. But having said all this, if I am going to be honest in my blogging then I feel as if I need to talk also about the depression I find myself fighting at times. The reason for talking about it is...if others read this blog and wonder why they are doing everything right but are experiencing depression and they feel as if it has somehow eluded me, rest assured it has not. For the most part I am upbeat and am able to cope and deal with the things that have happened, but I am not exempt from feeling the mental pain and anguish that comes along, walking this path. I do have to "fight" the feelings of depression to keep them at bay and from overtaking me. I do have times when the depression starts to wash over me and I know if I give in or succumb to those feelings I could find myself falling into a deep dark abyss that would be incredibly hard to climb back up and out of.

As I have already mentioned, I love getting input from others, by blog comments or email, who are experiencing some of the same emotions. I guess it helps me to talk to and with others about walking this road of life. I have learnt so much on my journey. One of the things that I now know is, we all have our own unique path to walk in this life. The things we encounter on this journey may be of different origin but the emotions our journey invokes (especially as women) are so similar. The issues may be different but our human emotions and heartbreaks are all so similar and we can learn so much by watching and listening to others and seeing and hearing how they cope and deal with the hardships in life.

A Few Health Issues

2010-11-06T13:44:00.001-04:00

Two posts in less than two weeks, what am I thinking? I don't know, I guess I am just in the mood to talk these days, LOL!!!!

One of the reasons I have written this blog, besides keeping everyone informed in the hopes of generating prayer for myself along the way :) Is because this cancer is so rare, when I was diagnosed I could only find one other blog of someone with this cancer in almost the exact spot orally that mine was and reading her blog helped prepare me for what was to come. Since then her blog has disappeared, I'm not quite sure why, but anyway I have always thought that chronicling my experiences here might be a help to someone in the future, if they too found themselves walking this path. Now that I have came through all the surgeries and all the treatments and still wake up every morning to share the days with my family, I feel so blessed that when most people ask how I am doing I reply with "wonderful" and tell them how the Lord has truly blessed me. It is because of His blessings on me that I hate to seem as if I am complaining about my health now, so that is why I haven't mentioned much about the physical problems I have been experiencing. In thinking over all this lately, I realized that in order to be a help to someone else I needed to keep chronicling my heath "woes" and the solutions.

I guess most people can clearly understand that when a person has battled cancer, from then on any health issue, no matter how minor it probably is, can send fear radiating down your spine until you have been reassured that it is not the cancer back, rearing it's nasty head again!!!!

A month or so ago I woke up in the middle of the night with an excruciating ear ache and a high fever. Not wanting to drive all the way to Nashville, to see my ENT, I went to my Radiology Oncologist who was willing to see me and prescribed some pretty potent antibiotics. After two weeks I was still no better, although the pain was somewhat better, I was still deaf in my left ear. Because Dr. Netterville had to remove my Eustacia tube during my original surgery my ears do not drain normally thus I am at an increased risk of having ear infections. My Oncologist referred me to an ENT in Knoxville to get the ear infection under control. After a few more days on antibiotics my ear returned to normal. About a week after curing the ear infection, I had a large lump come up on my neck on the right side. Needless to say I was once again terrified that the cancer was back, so once again I headed to the new ENT!!! He prescribed more antibiotics and also took a culture to send off. I got those results back last week. He said it had nothing to do with my cancer (Yeah!!!!) but was a pretty bad bacteria infection. I am now on my second round of antibiotics for this infection.

Before this cancer I was blessed with good health. Other than having my kids, or needing stitches due to an accident I never went to the doctor. Now it seems as if my week is just not complete without sitting in at least one doctors office!!!!!

About six months ago I began experiencing bone pain. I would wake up in the mornings hurting all over. Even my fingers and toes ached!!! It has gotten progressively worse over the last few months. It has become so bad on some days I just couldn't seem to function. I would get out of bed and go straight to my medicine bottle and then straight to my recliner where I would spend most of the day. I would rate the level of pain at a 7 or 8 on most days. I was taking so much Tylenol that I have became afraid of doing damage to my liver. Not only has the physical pain gotten to an almost unbearable point, but the mental stress of feeling so bad was really beginning to take its toll on me. I have never been a lazy person. Before cancer I would only sleep about four hours a night and while awake, would not stop. I was very productive. I know I will never be back to pre-cancer health and energy but would at least like to aspire to half of what I was before!!!!So I finally broke down and made another doctors appointment and went to see my family doctor last week. I was nervous going in because I felt as if I was on my last resort, that if I didn't get help from him there was going to be no relief from this pain. Physically I look very well, just to look at me, if you didn't know my history, you would not think anything was physically wrong with me. I have no outward sign of the inward pain I am feeling. I had been on the Internet researching the Chemo I had been given, to see if bone pain was a side effect. According to what I read, a lot of people who were given one of the chemo drugs I was given were experiencing bone pain two and three years out, but some of their oncologists were not convinced that the pain was related to the drug. So needless to say I was afraid my doctor would not understand and I would be unable to get any relief. My fears were quickly put to rest!!! He understood and even sympathized!!! He said that not only could it be partly the result of the chemo drugs but he also felt I was more than likely experiencing neuropathic pain. He explained several ways we could attack the pain and has started me on a few things he thinks will help. I was so thrilled he understood and had options for me, I could have shouted right there in his office!!!! On the down side he explained that this pain was something I would more than likely always have to deal with and there is a great possibility that over time it will get worse not better. Oh well, I just want to deal with today. I don't have the energy to deal with tomorrow's "possibilities"!!!LOL!!! I have learned to take one day at a time!!!! It's only been about a week since my visit to my family doctor but I am feeling some relief from the pain already, however my energy level is still pretty low. I know I need to wait a few more days before coming to any conclusions as to whether or not we are on the right track. I just thank God that He answered my prayer and my doctor understood!!!

Not What I Had In Mind To Write About.

2010-10-25T20:49:00.004-04:00

Everything has been pretty normal at the Ruppe house lately. Well, "normal" for our family. Kiah is enjoying her Senior year of high school at Oakdale. This is the first time in her life she has been to public school. We started home schooling the year she began kindergarten, then when we bought the store, after a couple of years it became too difficult for us to be at the store all day and still complete the school work, so we put them in Christian School. This year, because of a schedule conflict, we decided it was best for her to attend Oakdale. Her grades are great, she is doing extremely well academically and socially.

Kiah should be getting her car back from the body shop this week. She is working at the store after she gets out of school in order to have the money to pay her car insurance.

Punky also works quite a few hours a week at the store.

For those who read this blog but may not know our family personally.... we own a convenience store with a deli and gas station here in our small rural town. One of Wendell's friends bought the building and opened a store there in 2002. After a few months he decided it was not what he wanted to do so Wendell bought it from him. At first it was not something I was thrilled about doing. I am a very planned out person, not very spontaneous. I liked having a steady income and knowing how much that income would be weekly. I have never been a risk taker. But after much prayer, I became convinced it was definitely the Lord's will for us to purchase the store. I have prayed lots of prayers in my life and I would love to say that after praying I have always known exactly what the Lord would have me do, but that is not the case. But I can say that I know without a shadow of doubt it is the Lord's will for our family to be in this store. Wendell was working a very good job in Knoxville and continued to work there until he was laid off a few years later (I can't remember for sure the exact date). We purchased the store and opened it with the deli on March 10, 2003, this date was special to Wendell because he was saved on March 10, 1996, and nothing was going to stand in his way of opening on that date!!! We had the gas installed several months later. Me and my young girls ran the store daily by ourselves for the first three months. Wendell and Stephanie would join us after returning from their day jobs and we would all be there until at least 11:00 p.m. six days a week. We have always closed on Sundays. I was there at least 16 hours a day, six days a week, for the first three months. It was very hard. After leaving there each night I still had all the laundry and household chores to do and also all the bookwork for the store. There were times when we first opened that I would be there hours at a time without seeing one customer. I remember being so exhausted one afternoon, very close to tears, I hadn't had a customer in two hours, and I began to question God. I began to pray and tell the Lord I had honestly felt this was His will for us but I was so exhausted and so discouraged that I was afraid I had been mistaken. I asked the Lord to please help me to know for sure that we were still in His will because that was what mattered to me most and if He could just somehow let me know we were still in His will I knew I could find the strength to go on. Within a few minutes I had a customer, one of many. You see the rest of that day we had more customers than we had ever had. I remember smiling in my heart and soul and thanking the Lord for helping me understand that His will had not changed for us. That was the last time I have ever questioned the Lord on whether or not our family running that store is His will for us. Believe me it has not always been easy, there have been many times that I have prayed on Wednesday and told the Lord that I just didn't know how we were going to be able to pay the bills on Friday if he didn't intervene in some way. There has never yet been a Friday that I was unable to at least pay the bills that were due that day!!!! There were so many times after being there all day and being so tired and ready to go home and an employee would call in sick and I would have to stay the rest of the night till closing. Although we now have many customers and the store stays very busy I assure you we are not putting millions in the bank!!Ha ha!!! I assure you this is not a high profit business, financially. But the Lord has provided. There is nothing more comforting than knowing that no matter what happens you are where the Lord would have you to be!!! There is an unexplainable peace that fills you when you know that you are doing His will for you and no matter what happens, good or bad, He is in control. I truly believe that where the Lord leads He will provide. It may not always be in the ways we expect, but He will never direct us down a path He will not walk with us.

I don't know why I am writing all this tonight, when I started this blog entry this was not what I had in mind to talk about. Maybe someone that reads this is having a struggle with what the Lord's will is for them ? I don't know, I just know this is what is on my heart to talk about tonight.

When I was at Vanderbilt last year having my second and most extensive surgery on June 2, 2009, after closing the store, our employees and some other young people who were in the parking lot, were robbed at gun point by two men. The robbers tried to get back in the store but the employee with the key had just left. No one was hurt. We praise the Lord no one was hurt!!! They were eventually caught, as is always the case, and are now in jail. Wendell did not tell me about this until a week latter when we were driving home from Vanderbilt. The only reason he told me then was because he knew I would hear about it as soon as we got home. The most amazing part of his story, and the part that still brings tears down my checks, is how the people in our community reacted and came out to support us and protect our store and our employees. There were men there nightly after that. They sat in the parking lot armed and ready to defend our business and our employees. It is hard for a normal person to imagine the mind frame of people that would "kick those that are already down" so to speak. My family was already going through the lowest valley of our lives and then this happens. But isn't it amazing how God always has that remnant standing there ready to do all they possibly can to help and support those in need!!! God's people are people, they are not all perfect or without flaw, but they are some of the best people on earth. Wow, how honored and blessed I feel for my family as I think back on how during the lowest point in our lives there were soooo many people there lifting us up in prayer, helping us financially and supporting us in every way possible!!!! God is sooo good to have blessed us to live in such a wonderful community with some of the kindest, caring people in the world!!!!

I know there are so many people, who are now going through the lowest valley in their lives. My heart aches as I think of some of the things friends, family and acquaintances are going through. I have shed many tears and said many prayers for those I know who are struggling in different ways. It's so hard to understand why some things happen like they do, but if I have learned anything through the valley my family has walked through it would be..... We are not alone, God is ever willing and able to meet our needs, and His precious grace is sufficient to see us through!!!! I am one of the least deserving of all His children, but oh how He has been there for me. He can, He is, and He will be, there for all those who call upon Him!!!

For those who have never been here, this is a picture of our store, Wendell's Market And Deli, located at the top of the hill in Oakdale.

What Did I Ever Do To Deserve His Mercy!!!

2010-10-02T19:23:00.008-04:00

Two weeks ago Mikiah finished her shift at the store and walked out to see her seventeenth birthday present waiting for her in the parking lot.

We had gotten a GREAT deal on her dream car!!!!

Yesterday, Friday, October 1, 2010... I don't know whether to call it Mother's intuition or not, but the Lord has blessed me with a strong connection with my children. I have a certain "feeling" that comes over me when all is not well!!! I was at home, felt something wasn't right and had been calling Kiah's cell phone, calling the store, I called her friends house, and no one knew where she was. I knew she would not ignore my calls. I was pacing the floor. It was only 4:30 in the afternoon but I had just felt something was wrong. The third time I called her cell phone I left a message and told her to CALL ME and that I was worried she had gone over a hill!!! Wendell came home from his Mom's house and I questioned him but he hadn't heard from her either. I think he and Punky just thought I was crazy!!! He left to go help at the store. I continued to call and pace. About ten minutes later I saw him driving back up the driveway with Kiah in the truck. She had been able to hold in her emotions until she saw me:(

She had met the school bus as she was driving up our road. Our road is very narrow and curvy, with only a few spots actually wide enough to get over in the grass to pass. She was nervous, which I understand, It's hard to see exactly where to back around the steep curves. She got to a place where she could get over, backed too far, and started over the bank. The picture doesn't do justice to how steep it really is. Not that she was able to steer as she went over, but she missed all the trees, but went over a lot of really big rocks and ended up in the creek. She was wearing her seat belt but she also had the top down. I praise the Lord for protecting her. The car could very easily have flipped on those huge rocks and we would be facing a different outcome. Kiah walked away without a scratch. The accident had just happened a few minutes before Wendell had gotten there. Her cousin was behind the school bus and saw it happen. He had rushed down the bank to make sure she was ok.

Papaw came with his chain saw to cut some trees out of the way so as to not do more damage as the wrecker pulled it up. He's an amazing man!!!!

I came up on a wreck several years ago, of a teenage boy who was well liked by everyone in Oakdale, It was a horrible scene that I will never forget. I pass the cross that marks the spot where he passed away every day. I had just thought earlier that day how his loving parents had to pass that spot daily and how I could not even begin to imagine their pain.

The Lord sure has been merciful to my family!!!!

A Day To Reflect.

2010-09-23T08:56:00.009-04:00

Today's date, September 23rd, is a significant date in my life.

Twenty one years ago today, Wendell and I were married, in a rather small ceremony at my Mom and Dad's house. Josh, 9 years old at the time, gave me away, not so happily!!! He loved Wendell, but was not happy about us going away for our honeymoon without him!!! We ended up only spending two nights away because he wanted us home. We didn't mind, we missed him and Stephanie too. Stephanie was six years old at the time. She loved Wendell and called him her "hummy bunch". I think she secretly dreamed of marrying him herself, back then, although she WOULD NEVER admit it now!!!! Now... Josh is thirty years old and Stephanie is twenty seven....and of course Wendell has gotten older too!!!LOL!!!! Where did all the time go.... every time we are all together we spend hours reminiscing about their childhood. (Sorry Misty and Michael :( I know our stories must have gotten boring after about the hundred time!!!) We never had a lot of money or material things, Wendell and I worked a lot of long, hard hours, but our house was filled with a lot of laughter. We spent time together...going to amusement parks...water parks...state parks.. and just spent time being together....playing whiffle ball or kick ball in the front yard. Then Punky and Kiah came along and from that moment on there has never been a dull moment in our home!!!!

September 23, one year ago, was the day I had my last radiation treatment. I remember that last week of radiation more than any of the 37 treatments. Wendell had drove me the 70 something mile, round trip to Knoxville, five days a week, for seven and a half weeks. I was physically at the lowest point I had ever been in and hope to ever be in again. I remember being so weak and frail that I had a hard time even vocalizing a prayer. At one point I didn't think I could go on and finish the treatments. My mouth was full of blisters, I couldn't eat and could barely drink, I had lost over fifty pounds. Once again I had turned to those that had kept up with my journey via this blog and had asked for prayer. Once again the Lord's grace was sufficient and I was able to finish the treatments. It's sometimes hard to believe it has been one year ago today!!! I am still feeling the physical effects from the cancer. I have jaw pain, mouth pain, ear infections, tooth aches, and pretty bad bone pain. My diet consists of soft moist foods, my swallowing, I have come to terms with, will never be normal again. My mouth will open about a half inch. My speech is abnormal and can be quite comical at times!!! New acquaintances think I am either mental, deaf, or from a foreign country!!!! There are several words best left unsaid by me!!! The girls, if I'm ordering at a drive thru, no longer ask for cheese sticks!!!!

As I reflect back over the memorable September 23rds in my life, I wouldn't change them if I could. The Lord has taught me soooo much. I am so thankful for the life he has given me and has allowed me to live thus far. Wendell and my marriage has not always been a bed of roses, there were times I didn't know if we would make it or not. But God's grace in our marriage has been sufficient. With His Help, Grace, Mercy and Guidance we have spent twenty one years together. I love him even more on this September 23rd than I did on the September 23rd twenty one years ago!!! And, like my marriage, this cancer journey has not been a bed of roses either!!!LOL!!! But with God's Help, Grace, Mercy, Guidance, and Your Prayers, I am ECSTATIC to be here to celebrate this September 23, 2010!!!! God Is Good!!!!

Preacher Mason Goodman, Me, Wendell, Steph & Josh.

Punky & Kiah LOVE my fashion sense!!!!

My Granny Roxie, My sisters Teresa & Kim, Me, Wendell, My Mom & Dad, Teresa's happy son Aaron, Teresa's Daughter Rachel, Stephanie, & my happy son Josh!!!

Wendell's sister-in-law Becky, His sister Pam, His sister Tiny and Scott, His Dad, His brother Tim, Wendell & I, His sister Donna, His Mom, Becky's daughter Ashley and son Rex.

2010-09-12T22:41:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday Mom.

Mikiah Is Still Seeing 20/20!!!!

2010-09-05T21:55:00.003-04:00

I was just sitting here thinking of all God's blessings on my family. I can never thank Him enough for the life He has given to us. No our lives have not been a bed of roses, so to speak, but through the good times and the bad we have had Him to turn to.
August 2008, I think the date was the 4th, on a Sunday night, I saw Kiah having Bryon put eye drops in her eye. When I questioned her about it she said her eye was blurry. Kiah has allergies so we thought it probably had something to do with that. Two nights later she came in the living room and told me her eye was still blurry and the wall looked wavy. Needless to say that scared me to death, although I tried not to let her know. I called Carolee and she got us in with one of the eye doctors she works for, first thing the next morning. I don't think I slept at all that night, being the optimist I am, not, all I could think of was a brain tumor pressing on the optic nerve. As soon as Dr. Mende checked Kiah she had a diagnosis, Histoplasmosis. I had heard this word before because Stephanie had came home from an eye exam several months prior and told me Dr. Mende asked if she knew she had it. Stephanie did not know. Dr. Mende had told Stephanie at that time it was dormant and was just something to keep an eye on (haha no pun intended). Anyway, she sent us directly from her office to a retina specialist in Knoxville where we spent the rest of that day having tests done on Kiah's left eye. To make a long story a little shorter...Histoplasmosis is a very serious disease. Kiah went from having 20/20 vision in her left eye, to off the charts, over 20/400 in a matter of days. People go blind from this disease. It causes bleeding on the retina, when they are able to stop the bleeding the patient is left with scars which cause the blind spots. It is not curable and can happen at any time. I have since learnt that we live, here in the south, in what is known as the Histo belt. Histoplasmosis is caused by chicken and bat droppings. The fungus is in the air. If we were all tested for it most of us would test positive for it, but it remains dormant in most people, they do not know why it becomes active in some. When it does become active it is usually in some one a lot older than Kiah. The doctors were shocked that she had it at such a young age. We had people everywhere praying for Kiah. She had a laser surgery which made her vision worse not better. Finally after much research and changing doctors, Kiah was given three injections, one a month for three months, in her eye. She was just 15 years old at the time. She was wide awake for the injections. Can you imagine having your eye held open with a clamp and watching as a needle is fixing to be stuck in it? It was a very traumatic experience for her and I. It is something that I pray she never has to endure again. It was all I could do to hold it together each time until we got back home and I could go "loose it" privately. Everyone we know, and people we didn't know, were praying for her. When all was said and done she was left with what is virtually unheard of ... 20/20 vision in that eye!!! She has a blind spot and has to adjust the way she uses that eye when reading but she has her vision!!!! The Dr. was left amazed by her, we were left amazed at God's grace and power!!! I am thinking of this now because....She had her last injection in October 2008. The last time she saw the specialist we made a follow up appointment for three months later but had to cancel because she was playing basketball at that time and had an away game on that day. We were suppose to reschedule but then I got my diagnosis and we started my battle. Of course I asked her constantly about her vision and she would say it seemed the same. Anyway, we finally went for a checkup this past Friday. Her vision is still 20/20, even though she has to look "around" the scar. Dr. Miller was amazed that she has done so well for two years now. I just want to give God the praise and glory. I know He hears and answers prayer!!!! He has proven that to my family time and time again. I thank Him for His precious grace that is still sufficient. Please, when you think of it from time to time, say a little prayer for Kiah and that if it is God's will this disease will continue to amaze the Doctor by remaining dormant in Kiah!!!
Tomorrow's the last holiday of the summer!!! I hope everyone has a great Labor Day!!!

So Much To Thank Him For!!!!

2010-08-17T19:27:00.000-04:00

Wow, It's hard to believe school is already starting again. Summer vacation is officially over. Sad face. I LOVE spring and summer. Smiley face. The hotter the better. I love waking up in the morning, opening the blinds and doors and filling the house with sunshine. It literally seems to warm my heart and soul!!!! I love letting the kids stay up half the night, with their best friends, raiding the kitchen and giggling. I love allowing them to sleep late and waking them at a not so early hour to put their swim suits on and join me at our pool to spend hours just laying around sunning, talking and enjoying each others company. I love having them come in at curfew and climbing onto my bed and telling me all about their evening and the fun they had!!! We have spent soooo many lazy days this summer just enjoying life together!!!!! We were able to take our annual trip to the beach in Destin, Florida and to go on our annual camping trip to Lazy Daze in Townsend. I have loved being able to take walks, late in the evenings, with Wendell. It has been a special time for us just to slow down, talk and reconnect. Call it selfish, but I honestly felt it was ok for us (the girls and I, it's hard to get Wendell to slow down much), to be somewhat lazy this summer, considering last summer. Don't get me wrong we worked some too, and even the work has been fun. We shucked, silked, cut off, cooked, bagged and froze over 24 dozen ears of corn, (The girls didn't complain while doing the corn, they joked and made it a fun process. You see, last year my wonderful Mother in-law gave Wendell every bag of corn she had worked so hard over the summer before to put up, to cook for me. I honestly don't know how I would have survived without it. Her precious corn and his mashed potatoes were what kept me going during my radiation treatments when swallowing was an almost impossible feat!!! It is still my meal of choice, easy to swallow and delicious!!! The girls know this and I believe, is why they were willing to do this job so enthusiastically!!!! Sentimental, teary eyed face. ) We also strung, broke and canned 27 jars of beans, picked, bagged and froze 2 gallons of blueberries. The girls helped their dad with the yard work and Punky has worked quite a few hours at the store. But I guess if you put it all in a balance the fun definitely outweighed the work this summer!!!! The Lord sure has been good to our family!!!! Happy, Thankful face.

A True Inspiration To Me

2010-08-14T22:45:00.003-04:00

A few years ago I was working at the store when a lady came in that I had gotten acquainted with through her frequent visits to our store and through her husband who worked for my father in-law digging graves. She was always upbeat, energetic, and friendly. She would usually stop in on her way to work. She worked as a nurse in the emergency room at Harriman Hospital. On this particular day Wendell was asking her about the news we had heard. She had been diagnosed with cancer. Lung cancer. As I stood there listening to her answer his questions, I will never forget how profoundly her attitude and demeanor affected me. I stood there listening to her, in awe of her attitude. She still had that same familiar smile on her face as she talked. I remember thinking... she is about my same age....how in the world is she still functioning, not just functioning, but smiling. Smiling as she spoke of, what to me, sounded like a death sentence. I remember thinking she is my age...that could very easily be me...how would I function. I was sure I would not. I was sure I would go home, climb in bed, pull the covers over my head, cry uncontrollably and enter into a deep dark depression. Since that time I had the privilege of becoming better acquainted with her. Bonnita Patterson. I would ask about her, every time anyone came in that would know her condition, as she went through her treatments. I prayed for her. There were times she was deathly sick and I wouldn't see her for a period of time and then there were times when you would never know anything was physically wrong with her. But no matter her condition, every time I saw her she was still upbeat and smiling. I never heard her complain. She was always telling me how the doctors were amazed by her and how she knew the Lord was keeping her around for a reason, still smiling as she talked. When I was diagnosed I could hardly get her to tell me what was going on with her, she was to concerned with finding out how I was doing. She sent me cards and books she knew would be a help to me. She even came to the house to visit me when I was going through my treatments. There was a time, after being discharged from Vanderbilt, after one of my surgeries, that I was in an extremely bad condition. Wendell had called to ask her advice, and she insisted on coming and stayed for hours using her nursing skills to help me. She was such an inspiration to me. I am still in awe of the attitude and spirit she displayed over the last few years. She had a beautiful heart. Sadly she passed away this past week. My heart is grieved. She will be greatly missed. She was an inspiration to me. As I listened, as Wendell was given the honor of reading her obituary at her funeral, I realized just how close to my age she actually was. We both just celebrated a birthday. Mine on August 7 and hers on August 8. She was one year and one day younger than me. My heart goes out to her husband, children, wonderful family and her many friends. Even though we are grieved, I am thankful that we can find comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain, but is truly LIVING in the presence of the Lord.

Back From Knoxville

2010-07-08T17:07:00.003-04:00

We just got back from Knoxville it's been a long day. We went for the PET Scan at 10:30 this morning it takes 2 hours for the whole process. Since my appointment with Dr. Boppanna is fairly early in the morning they gave me a disk of the CT scan to take with me in case they were unable to get it to him in time for my appointment, the PET Scan he is able to view and read over the Internet. I have felt pretty ill today from having to drink the contrast last night and another large bottle this morning. It leaves me feeling pretty yucky!!!! I can't eat after midnight the day before my scan so I was also pretty hungry when we got out. We went to have lunch and then to Sam's to pick up some things for the store and house. In Sam's Wendell turned to me and said he had a confession to make. Thinking, oh goodness, what has he done, I said ok, what? He told me to put on my glasses and then he showed me a text message from Dr. Boppanna. Apparently Wendell has been worried and didn't want to have to wait until tomorrow to find out the results, so he had text Dr. Boppanna this morning and asked him to review it today. The text said "Good News Clean PET Scan"!!!!! I couldn't hold back a few tears right there in the middle of Sam's. The tears were partly thankfulness over the good result and partly because I had no idea Wendell was that worried. I couldn't help but feel sad that he has had to endure so much with me over the past year and has had a front row seat on this emotional roller coaster that we have been riding. He has never complained even one time over having to do any of this with me. He has been by my side for every appointment, every trip to Nashville. He has sat for days in the hospital with me even through what was suppose to be his vacations and has never complained once. Wow, what did I ever do to deserve such love and devotion? He is my Knight in Shining Amour!!!!

Third PET Scan

2010-07-07T22:30:00.002-04:00

I just got through drinking what seems like a five gallon bucket of "contrast" in preperation for my PET Scan scheduled for tomorrow morning. This will be my third one, it has been a little more than nine months since my treatments ended!!! Yeah!!! Dr. Boppanna says the first year is critical. I have to admit I get a little uneasy at these times, I wonder if it will ever get easier or if I will always feel this way. Thankfully I go Friday morning to get the results. I'll let you know what happens!!!

Lazy Daze Camping

2010-06-22T19:29:00.012-04:00

We just returned, this past weekend, from our annual camping trip. We have been going, along with several other families, to Townsend, (at the foot of the Smokies), on a camping trip for the last twelve years or so. My kids have grown up looking forward to this trip every summer. We have made some of our families fondest memories on these trips. This year as I cleaned and readied our camper, I shed many tears thinking about where I was last year at this time and where I am now, physically. Last year I was discharged from the hospital after having my second cancer surgery and came home for one night and then joined the kids on the camping trip. I was in pretty rough shape!!! Wendell, Kim and Karen spent a lot of their time caring for me on this trip last year. We also went camping in September last year and I ended up being admitted to the hospital on that trip. This year I felt pretty much back to my old self. I was able to cook and clean and do all the things I did in previous years. The Lord has been soooo good to me. I feel so blessed!!!! We were able to have several others come, stay, and enjoy part of the week with us. Punky's friend Brook came up from South Georgia and stayed from Saturday to Saturday with us, Reid spent Saturday night and Sunday with us, Jonathan spent Sunday and Monday night with us, Stephanie spent Monday and Tuesday nights with us and Joe, Brooks' boyfriend, drove up and spent Thursday and Friday nights with us. Teresa, Seth and Pam came up and spent Friday with us and Dad came up and spent Monday with us. We had a camper full most nights!!!! I love having my children with us and it is an added blessing to be able to spend time with their friends too. Wendell and I have had many conversations dreading the day they all leave home and we're left alone :( Brook and Joe came back home with us and spent Saturday night and left Sunday after dinner. We really enjoyed having them and hopefully they will get to come back before the summer is over!!!

Wendell, Me, Punky and Kiah.

Punky and Kiah

Joe and Brook

Lauren, Punky and Kiah.

Stephanie and Punky.

Kiah and Jonathan.

Me and Dad at "The Burger Master".

Joe, Brook, Wendell, Punky and Kiah before church on Sunday, Father's Day.

Back To The Real World :(

2010-05-22T12:43:00.006-04:00

We left Destin at about 7:00 p.m. last night, and arrived home about 5:00 a.m. this morning :(
I wasn't excited about returning to "the real world". Kiah and I would have loved to have stayed another week!!!!! The weather was absolutely gorgeous every day but Sunday, our first full day there, it was cloudy and rainy. We had a wonderful time just staying at the beach and pool during the day and going to dinner at night. We did very little shopping this time, we were just too content to be on the beach!!!! I have been to a lot of different beaches, in the states, and feel none compare to the beaches at Destin. I highly recommend this vacation spot to anyone planning a trip to the beach. We have actually been going there for the last eight or ten years, and look forward to it every year!!!! The white sand beaches are beautiful!!!

I have no idea what possessed the girls to buy these tacky hats!!!

A Destin Reunion.

2010-05-17T23:51:00.007-04:00

The weather was absolutely gorgeous here in Destin today. We all got pretty burnt after spending all day at the beach and pool.

Wendell has kept in touch with Dr. Seifer, the Dr. that took such great care of me the last time we were here. We met Dr. Seifer, his son James, and his surgical nurse Michelle, along with Jeff and Karen, at The Crab Trap for dinner tonight. We had a great time. It was really good to see Dr. Seifer again, not only is he a wonderful doctor but he is also a very kind, caring man. Michelle remembered everything about taking care of us, it was pretty amazing.

Wendell, Dr. Seifer, James, Me & Michelle.

Punky, Me, Wendell & Kiah

Karen & Me

Jeff & Wendell

Kiah, Me, Wendell & Punky at The Back Porch restraunt last night.

What A Difference The Lord Can Make!!!

2010-05-16T11:51:00.004-04:00

Wow!!! What a difference seven months can make!!! Every May for the last 8 or so years, with the exception of last year, our family has came to Destin for a much anticipated vacation. Last year we were dealing with cancer, surgeries, sickness and pain, so we did not make the trip in May, but came down in October, just a couple weeks after completing my chemo and radiation treatments. As most probably remember, I ended up in the emergency room, the day after we arrived, and then was admitted to the Fort Walden Beach Hospital, were I stayed all week until the day before we were to return home. I went through two surgeries at that time to remove the infection from my neck. Although that sounds like an awful vacation, Wendell and I both feel the Lord directed us here, and that trip saved my life. We were directed to a wonderful doctor, Dr. Seifer, who in turn called in an infectious disease specialist, Dr. Anistasio. We were told at that time we were dealing with a life threatening infection, and if we had waited 24 hours longer before seeking treatment, the infection would have spread throughout my body. We stand in aw of how the Lord works and brings things together!!! Even after we returned home I had to have IV antibiotics for a week, that Dr. Anistasio had arranged for me. I was so sick and weak before going to the hospital, that Bro. Jeff, loaded a chair onto a luggage cart and pushed me from the Condo to our truck. I was skin and bones without hair at that time!!! When I think back now, of how sick I was then, and how far the Lord has brought me, I can't hold back the tears or praise!!! The Lord has truly been great to me!!!

We arrived here yesterday to beautiful sunny weather!!! Today it is cloudy and raining off and on, but the clouds have not dampened the true joy I feel in my heart just to be alive, and well, and able to make this trip with my family.

Punky and Reid on the beach.

Punky, Reid, Kiah and Wendell Playing football on the beach.

Results!!!

2010-04-07T18:01:00.002-04:00

ALL CLEAR!!!! The results from my six month PET Scan. As a matter of fact he said this one looked even better than the last one. I guess that just means everything had healed!!!! I will still have a scan every three months for the rest of the year. He said the first year is pretty critical, if all goes well then I will be scheduled for a new scan every six months. THANKS for the prayers!!! My relief is great!!!!

I'm No Longer Afraid Of The Dentist!

2010-04-07T09:50:00.002-04:00

Well my wondering mind has been put to rest over one concern I have had...I have often wondered what would happen if I needed to have dental work done....since my mouth will only open about a half an inch, I have had a hard time understanding how anything could possibly be done. I broke a tooth, about six months before my cancer diagnosis, it hurt for a couple of days then quit and I hadn't had any problem with it since. Because of my lifelong TERROR of dentist's and oral surgeries I just let it go!!! That terror has kept me from going to a dentist for 30 years now!!! Funny how things work sometimes huh!!! Of all the types of cancers to acquire, mine would be oral!!! LOL!!! I have to admit I no longer have a fear of dentists, needles or even the relatively simple surgery to remove a tooth!!!! Anyway, the weekend before Easter that tooth began aching so bad it brought me to tears!!! I ate pain meds like candy all weekend and went to a dentist first thing Monday morning. He was unable to do anything, so he referred me to an oral surgeon and assured me he would be able to help me. Long story short, the oral surgeon has assured me he will be able to remove the tooth, he will shave it off first to create more room and that should allow him enough room to remove the roots. YEAH!!!! He prescribed antibiotics for me but agreed with my desire to wait until after my PET Scan to do the surgery. I don't want anything questionable to show up on the PET Scan, so, I will not have the tooth removed until next Tuesday April 13th.
I had a PET Scan yesterday and will go today at 1:15 for the results. I have to admit it is a little nerve racking waiting to hear the results. I know the drill....I do ok until... I get into the exam room...waiting on the Doctor...then I become a nervous wreck!!! During this time...Wendell likes to talk...about the weather, the store, and a million other topics, that seem at that point in time unimportant to me! LOL!!! I on the other hand don't like to talk, I just want to sit there being a nervous wreck until the doctor comes in and declares me CANCER FREE!!!! Oh well, I guess we all have our different ways of dealing with things!!! I wonder if this process will ever become easier? It's so wierd going to different appointments and seeing the signs outside the buildings and on the office doors that declare those particular buildings some form of "Cancer" centers. I had an overwhelming since of hate wash over me yesterday for that word, when I saw it on the door I was fixing to enter. The emotion surprised me, but I couldn't help it. It is a wierd sensation when that is no longer just a word to you but a part of your life, day in and day out, you never really get away from it. Uncertainty is the forefront thought. Then I walk in these places and see others, mostly older than myself, in different stages of treatments. Sometimes you have to fight really hard not to lose your joy. Seeing so many others around you suffering, is something hard to forget or place in the back portion of your mind. It's funny how "Cancer" has a look. You become able to spot it even from a distance.
My hair is getting really thick but not very long. The look is one that I have not been very fond of!!! I thought about going to a stylist to see if they could do anything to make it look better, but the thought of them cutting one single hair sends shivers down my spine!!!!LOL!!! So I got the moose bottle out the other day and applied it generously:) The look is different!!! I laughingly refered to it as "My Ellen Degenerous" look!!! (Because of my broad shoulders and boyish build I have never liked short hair on me. I feel like it makes me look manly!!!) Now Wendell and the girls no longer refer to me as "Mom" they now call me Ellen!!! They always know how to bring my joy back!!! Whether it's mocking my speech or making fun of my weight, or hair, or my sometimes surprisingly emotional state, they have a way of bringing laughter back into my life!!! They are a huge part of my joy in this world!!!! I couldn't have survived without them!!!
If you have a spare moment today please say a little prayer for me and Wendell. What ever the results I know God's amazing grace will be sufficient.

The Two Dates That Have Forever Changed My Life.

2010-03-22T22:24:00.003-04:00

Here I am, one year later. The one year anniversary of the two dates that have forever changed me, my life, are here. March 23rd and March 24th 2009, are dates that are forever engraved on my brain. I remember vividly March 22 of last year. It was a Sunday. I went to bed that night, having a hard time falling to sleep, planning everything I needed to accomplish the next day before we headed to Nashville to spend Monday night in preperation of my first cancer surgery on Tuesday March, 24. I have thought a lot about that Sunday night lately. I have thought a lot about how we make plans for our lives, we think about the things we plan to accomplish, what order we will do things in...when we will be done. There is a song that Breaking Ground sings, that talks about just these things. I may not have it word for word but it goes something like this...
"It's funny how we do it, Make plans for our lives. We plan for success and try to pass the pain right by. But it just doesn't work that way, God has a different plan, He works in ways we never see, beyond the scope of man. When the journey takes a detour unexpectedly and I try to accept and understand what it all means. When I'm pressed to show the world what I really believe, I will trust you Lord...With my life."
I have to fight to keep my emotions in check everytime I hear this song. It describes how I have felt over this past year. March 23, 2009 is a date that my life began to take an unexpected detour, one that If I tried to understand it or make since out of it, I would have a difficult time. I can remember so many times sitting in Church listening to Bro. Jones preach to those with broken hearts and those facing difficult trials in their lives. I remember thanking God for my life and His blessings and knowing that although it was not me at that moment the message was meant for, It could very well be me one day in the future.
That Sunday night last year, as I laid there making plans in my mind, I had no idea those plans were to become so insignificant within a few short hours. I had called and talked to my Dad earlier that day and knew my Mom still had a terrible headache that she had had for several days. That Sunday night around midnight Dad called to tell Wendell he had taken Mom to the hospital and he would keep us informed. Every other time anyone in my family was taken to the hospital I would have immediately went. This time I didn't. We did not know how serious it was at that time. After a pretty sleepless night, we found out through phone calls early Monday morning that they thought Mom had had a stroke. Wendell and I immediately headed up there. By the time we got there Mom was already on life support. She went to be with the Lord that Monday night March 23, 2009 at about 7:00 p.m.
My family insisted I go ahead with my surgery, the cancer had grown a lot since my surgery was first scheduled and if I cancelled, it would be several weeks before I could reschedule. The threat of the cancer spreading more within that time frame was real. Dad let me know he wanted me to go ahead and he would wait to have Mom's services until I got back. Part of me felt almost selfish in going ahead with the surgery but there was the part that thought my kids needed me around and I didn't want the cancer to spread even more. So Wendell and I left the hospital that night, drove home, packed our bags and left for Nashville around 10:00 p.m. It was a long drive. We were both exhausted and almost in a numb state. I remember telling him, on the drive out, that I know God has a reason, but I was sure having a hard time understanding what it was...why this order of events?
Since that time I have to say I still don't understand everything but He has revealed some things to me. I miss my Mom terribly. I was on so much medication over the past year that I find myself grieving even more now, than I did then. I guess if there is a blessing in this that I can partially understand right now, it is the fact that she didn't have to see me suffer through all the cancer "stuff". Being a Mother myself and knowing the love that a Mother has for her children I am glad she didn't have to endure seeing me in the shape I was in. My Mom was such a beautiful, young looking, vibrant woman, that I never dreamed she would leave us at such a relatively young age. She was just 66.
Then of course the other date, March 24, 2009 was the date of my first cancer surgery which has definately changed life as I knew it!!! I guess if there was one thing I miss the most, more than pizza or breads, it would be the ability to sing!!! Ok, before those that know me well, start cracking the jokes...I didn't say sing WELL!!! I just said sing!!! When our Church congregation is all standing singing a hymn I guess I miss being able to join in more than anything else.
But, all in all, as I sit in Church and listen to Brother Jones preach to those with a broken heart or those that are going through a trial in there life right now, I thank God for my life and His blessings and I know that although the message is not meant for me at this moment, It could very well be, one day in the future.

I'll Take Boring!!!

2010-03-15T21:20:00.002-04:00

I haven't written a post in awhile, not because I have been busy, but because my life has somewhat returned to normal, and my normal is probably very boring to any one else. However, I will take "boring" over the "excitement" of the last year any day!!!!
I went to a dermatologist on the 9th for the place on my arm I had mentioned in an earlier post. It turned out to be Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I went back and had it cut out and will go back tomorrow to have the stitches removed. The place was small but he cut out quite a bit, I had to have eleven stitches. The good thing was it was on my left arm, the one already deformed from my previous surgery!!! I have now found a small knot on the right side of my neck, I will ask him about tomorrow. After all I have experienced over the past year every little bump or pain seems to trigger a response in me now. I just try to continue to pray and ask the Lord for His will to be done and most of all for the grace to make it from day to day.
I also go tomorrow for blood work in anticipation of my up coming PET Scan which is scheduled for April 6th.
As time goes on, I find myself living life with a very different attitude than I had before cancer. When I was first diagnosed it was so easy for me to just pray and turn it all over to God and know His will would be the best for me. Now having gone through all I have gone through there is always the fear, of the cancer returning, lingering in the back of my mind. I know if it does God's grace will still be sufficient for me, but I can't help but be a little scared now that I know what physical suffering is like. I am not afraid of dying. I don't wish to die. I want to live here with my family as long as the Lord allows. But I am afraid of physical suffering. I know I have probably spent way too much time on the Internet researching oral cancer, because now I know more than I wish to, of the possibilities.
As far as my physical state right now.... I still struggle with swallowing. I eat mostly soft foods, but I can eat a little chicken or steak if I cut it in very small bites and "wash" it down with gravy or mashed potatoes or pinto bean juice!!!! I still can't eat pizza or burgers or bread or chips, so fast food is not an option for me when we go out. I have to go somewhere where potatoes are fixed in ways other than french fried!!! I wasn't able to eat anything acidy, like ketchup or dressings because it would for some reason burn my mouth. But that seems to be getting a little better. I was even able to drink a few sips of a beloved Diet Coke the other day!!!!! My arm and leg, (where they took the graphs), although they look awful do not give me any problem at all. The only place I still experience pain is in my jaws, teeth, and ears, but pain meds take care of that. My speech is understandable unless I talk too fast, but I have been thought to be mentally challenged by some when I open my mouth and speak!!! I must admit there have been a few times when I have felt a little self conscious over my speech but for the most part I am able to laugh about it. I still have the port in my chest where they administered the chemo and I can't wait to get it out!!! The chemo doc told me to leave it in until I have had two clean PET Scans. My second one is coming up soon so hopefully......

Wanting only My will...

2010-02-14T21:18:00.002-05:00

I had called Stephanie on our way back from Nashville the other day and asked her to update my blog since I knew it would be so late when we got home. Since she gave the update it has took me awhile to blog again. Sorry :(
I was so nervous waiting on that appointment. Not knowing what I was going to be told. I was able to hold back my emotions until we were leaving the office. Then I let go and cried. I thanked the Lord every few minutes on the ride home. I had wondered on the way out there what the ride home would be like. Needless to say it was a JOYOUS one!!!!
At the time of that appointment, all I wanted to hear was it was not the cancer back so soon, once I heard those words it didn't matter to me what it actually was, so I didn't ask a whole lot of questions. The radiation has caused the skin to come off my jaw bone, in this spot. The place was about the size of a pencil eraser, but has expanded since, and now is a little bigger than a nickel. At the time I thought the soreness in my mouth was from thrush but now that the thrush is gone I realize it is from this place. I got to the point last week where I couldn't eat much of anything, it hurt so bad. I lost three pounds, which a year ago would have made me happy, now it is so hard for me to eat and get the proper nutrition that losing even a pound or two is concerning for me. To keep my immune system up I have to force myself to eat. Wendell was able to contact my Doctor and get me some pain medication and some Lydicane to numb my mouth. He takes such great care of me!!!! I am now able to numb my mouth enough to eat some.
This cancer has changed my life in so many ways, physically and mentally. From time to time I do find myself having pity parties for myself over the physical changes this cancer has caused. I honestly try not to have these parties often or to let them last too long!!! I know my blessings far out weigh any of the negative things this cancer has caused. The Lord has truly been good to me. His grace has been sufficient. I am beginning to realize, however, the constant fear of it coming back will be something I am going to have to learn to live with. Now, every little ache or pain or anything physically unusual brings on the fear that the cancer could be back. I know all the logical things like... my life is in God's hands and His Grace Will be sufficient...and I truly believe these things...but I haven't, as of yet, learned how to not be fearful. I am not afraid of dying. I am, however, terrified of suffering. It was so easy before to turn it completely over to God. Now that I have experienced some of the physical suffering that I have experienced, and would never have imagined, I must admit it is harder to pray as I did before... "No matter what, Thy will be done." Last week all I wanted was MY will... for it NOT to be cancer.I had no peace and I was terrified. You know, just now, as I am writing this, I am realizing something!!!! I was absolutely terrified last week. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think of anything else. the terror consumed me.I had never felt that way before. I never felt that way during any moment of the last year. It is now, right now, becoming more clear to me. When I totally surrendered to God's will, with that surrender came a peace. Wanting only "my" will brought no peace. Desiring and surrendering totally to His will, came with peace and grace!!! We serve an amazing God!!!!

Good News

2010-02-03T16:36:00.002-05:00

This is Stephanie. Mom wanted me to post for her. The doctor said the hard white spot was just exposed bone from where the radiation has affected her gums. I'm sure she'll post more later when she gets home tonight.

Please Pray, I am Terrified.

2010-02-03T10:21:00.003-05:00

I am coming to you today to once again ask you to pray for me. I am at a point where I am unable to even pray for myself. Only those who have been in the deepest of valleys can understand this.
I found a lump on my jaw the other day. At first I thought it was just thrush. It's hard to see since my mouth doesn't open very wide. I don't know how long it has been there. It's white and very hard. I am terrified. I wish I could say I wasn't but I am. The last time I was at Dr. Nettervilles office, I met a man who had his bottom jaw removed because of cancer. My mind keeps going back to him and our conversation. I am terrified.
Wendell has got me a very hard to get appointment in Nashville for today. Dr. Netterville is in surgery all day so I will be seeing his assistant. My appointment time is 2:00 Central time, 3:00 eastern time. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!!
I know God's grace has been sufficient in the past. I know that it can be sufficient for now and in the future. I need that grace more now than ever.
I will report here when we get back tonight but it will be very late.
Please, please pray for me.

It's Snowing!!!!

2010-01-29T17:15:00.001-05:00

It's been snowing steadily since about 1:30 this afternoon, It's now 5:15 pm. It's looking beautiful here!!!!

My "Cancer" Anniversary

2010-01-26T15:03:00.005-05:00

It's been awhile since my last post, actually I wrote a blog last Thursday, (a long heart felt one, I might add!!!) and just as I was finishing I inadvertently hit some unknown button, and right before my very eyes my long heart felt blog vanished!!!! So, It has took me awhile to recover from that traumatic experience, and now, I will try again today.

My trip to Nashville to see Dr. Netterville was uneventful. Everything looks fine from his perspective and I don't have to go back to him for one year!!!!Yea!!!!! He just felt of my neck and looked in my mouth, he did not do any tests. I asked him about a place on my arm that I am pretty sure is skin cancer, which he agreed it probably is. I now have an appointment on February 9th with a dermatologist in Knoxville to have it checked out. I have to admit I was a little bummed when we left there knowing I still have a form of cancer to deal with.

The weekend of the 15th 16th & 17th, Wendell, Kiah, Stephanie and I took a road trip. We left on Friday morning and drove to Valdosta Georgia and watched Kiah's friend, Loren Jones, play in a basketball game. We spent the night and then drove down to Universal Studios in Florida Saturday morning. We could not have asked for better weather! It was cloudy but 75*!!!! We had a great time. We then drove back to Valdosta and spent the night and went to Victory Baptist Church on Sunday morning. The service was really good and their singers are phenomenal!!! After Church we ate lunch and headed home.

Since I have got my all clear for my health right now I am ready to live life. I know now there are no guarantees!!! I want to live life while I can, I hope and pray the cancer never comes back, but if it does I don't want to have regrets!!!! I know our trip would sound kind of crazy under normal circumstances, having only a few days to travel so far, but it was something Kiah really wanted to do and I thought why not?!!! We made a lot of good memories in a short period of time. I just feel really blessed to be able to enjoy life and my wonderful family!!!!

This past Thursday, January 21, 2010, was my one year "cancer" anniversary. It was on the 21st of January 2009 that we went for an appointment with Dr. Sewall, an ENT in Oak Ridge, and he told me I had a very rare, serious form of oral cancer. I don't think I will ever forget that day. I will never forget the feelings that washed over me as we sat there. That was the day that the Lord's precious grace began to become evident in my life. I had been praying for days before this appointment that no matter what I was told that God's grace would be sufficient for me to deal with it. Sooo many times over this past year God made his presence and grace known to me!!!! When Wendell and I were at our lowest point God's amazing grace would shine through!!! So many of you don't even realize the times, time after time that God used you to help us!!!There were times when we just didn't think we could walk another step and we would get the mail and there would be a card or letter from someone with just the message we needed, to have the strength to stand up and continue on... for this I say Thank -You. There were times when we would receive a phone call or text message that would lift our spirits....for this I say Thank-You. There were so many times that someone would prepare a meal, soups or a desert that I could eat and deliver them to us...for this I say Thank-You. So many of you helped lessen our financial burden with unexpected help in a card or concealed in a handshake...for this I say Thank-You. I will never forget the Monday morning, the last week of my radiation, when I just felt so defeated. I didn't have the strength to carry on. I was so weak, so thin, I had been in the hospital with the worst infection I had had. I had just recovered from a mouth full of blisters. The thought of going through even one more treatment was something I didn't think I could do. (The doctors had told me the whole time that the last few treatments were the most important). I told Wendell I just couldn't do it. I got on my blog and asked you for help praying for the strength to go on and continue with my treatments. By the end of the day the Lord had answered our prayers and I not only had the strength to go for my treatment but the girls went with us and we ate dinner out that evening...for this I say Thank-You. We serve an amazing God!!!! The support we received from you here on my blog is humbling....for this I say Thank-You!!!! When we first got the news I had cancer we felt like it was our battle, but as time went on we felt as if we had a whole army of God's people, our friends, family, acquaintances, and even complete strangers who were going through this with us, who felt our pain, and who helped us to stay in the battle and helped us to fight the fight. People who were ever faithful to lift our name up to the Lord in prayer. Through all we have been through, through all the emotions we have felt there is one emotion we have never felt, we have never felt alone!!!! You will never know what this has meant to us...for this I say THANK-YOU!!!!

On a lighter note I thought I would post some pictures of my precious family and of course this includes Aaron who is like our son and Cassie who is like another daugther to us. We took them to Pigeion Forge this past weekend. Wendell and I often wonder what we will do when they all leave home!!!! Our children bring us so much joy in this life!!!! We are truely blessed!!!! I also wanted to show you a picture of my hair!!!! Yes!!!! I have some now!!!!

I Am Cancer Free And Can't Stop Crying!!!!!

2010-01-04T19:29:00.003-05:00

January 21, 2009, almost one year ago, was the day I received the news I had cancer. I didn't cry then. Today, January 4, 2010, is the day I received the news I AM CANCER FREE!!!! Today I can't stop crying!!!! The Lord has promised that He would never put more on us than we can bear, so for days now I have been praying that the Lord's grace would be sufficient for me, no matter what the news would be that I would receive today. I honestly didn't think I could bear knowing there was more cancer so soon. The thought of more surgeries, chemo or radiation was almost more than I could bear to even think might be a possibility right now. But because of my God's faithfulness this past year, I did all I knew to do....Pray that His grace would once again be sufficient for me no matter what the news. I know my life is in His precious hands and there is no place I would rather it be. I believe His promise that "all things work together for good to those that love Him". I am so thankful that He has chosen for me to be cancer free right now. I praise His Holy Name for His love and faithfulness to me.
I go to Nashville to Dr. Netterville's this Thursday, January 7, at 2:00. He will probably run a scope up my nose and down my throat again to check everything out. It is not something, while in my right mind, I look forward to, but it is not quite as bad as it sounds. I will have another PET scan in April and then again every three months for the first year. If those remain clear I will then have a PET scan every four months for the second year. For the next five years I will have PET scans several times a year. Every year I remain cancer free is a good thing, after five years of being cancer free I will have a good chance of not having to deal with this again.
Someone asked me, quite etiquettely, the other day, what was my long term outlook? This made me think there are probably others out there curious to know what my long term outlook is. No one has asked me that before. I don't mind discussing it though. The fact is oral cancer is very rare, only 600 people a year in the US are diagnosed with oral cancer. Of those 600, only 1% are minor salivary glad cancers, and from what I understand the kind of cancer I have is even less than 1% of that 1%. They say the Adenocarcinoma I have is found in the lungs or liver but not in the oral cavity. So, all of this being said, I don't think they really know exactly what the statistics are for my cancer. I have been told by a couple of doctors that I have a 70% chance of living five years, then I have also been told by a couple of doctors, whom I chose to believe, that with the surgeries I have had and the treatments that I have had, I should never have to worry about this cancer again. So I guess the bottom line is, I really don't know any more about my mortality than anyone else!!! I know my life is in the Lord's hands and as I have tried to reassure my children...If the Lord wants me to live ten more minutes, then I will live ten more minutes!!! If the Lord wants me to live ten more years, then I will live ten more years!!! My life is in His Holy hands and I wouldn't want it any other way.
As I think back over this past year and all the heartache my family has been through, as weird as it may sound I honestly wouldn't change it. I guess, if anything, I would be tempted to "change" the heartache Wendell and the girls have gone through, but then as I am reminded that "all things work together for good to them that love the Lord", I wouldn't change it because I know the Lord has taught us all some very important things. I know if they really open their eyes and look they can see God's faithfulness, grace, love and mercy towards our family.
We have also experienced the love and kindness of friends, family, and complete strangers, time and time again over this past year. I only hope to be able to return that love and kindness in every way I can from now on, as the Lord blesses me with the ability. Once again Thank You sounds soooo lame...but I do THANK YOU for all your prayers, cards, emails, letters, phone calls, texts, financial help, and everything else you have done to make life a little easier for me and my family!!!!!

2010-01-01T11:29:00.002-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Punky suggested we have a New Years Eve party and when she volunteered to clean the house, how could I possibly refuse? Kiah had a scrimage game first, against the alumni, (Which they won!!!Yeah), and then we came back home to "party"!!!

Stephanie and Michael dancing to the beat of their own drum? FYI: there was no music!!!

Katie, Kiah & Lauren getting into the spirit!!!

Lance, Carolee, Me, Stephanie, Michael, Wendell, Kim, Robbie, Landon, Punky, Aaron, Kelvey, Meagan, Mikiah, Lauren & Katie!!! Papaw Tom & Micha had had all the fun they could take for one evening and had already left before the midnight hour!!!! Karen wasn't feeling well, We MISSED you!!!

Lance? We never know the reason!!! After all these years we don't even ask anymore!!!!

Punky pouring the "juice"!!!!
(Grape Juice that is.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Our Girls...so cute...so sweet...so innocent...

Preparing for the celebration: Katie, Punky, Kiah, Lauren, Kelvey and Landon. Meg, busy working out!!!!

Landon and Mikiah. Whose idea was the noise makers???

Here's to a wonderful New Year filled with health and happiness, family, friends and the love and guidance of a merciful God!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!

PET Scan Today

2009-12-30T20:35:00.004-05:00

Wendell and I left the house at 9:15 this morning, headed for Knoxville, for my PET scan. I was feeling fine this morning, not dreading it or anything. When we got there I began to feel a little emotional. There was another lady sitting, waiting, who looked fairly healthy... she had more hair than me and was a decent weight, but when they called her back her movements were slow and sickly. It broke my heart for her, knowing what she was going through and it brought back memories of my own struggles. It was difficult to hold back the tears for a few moments. This cancer journey is something hard to understand unless you have been there and it is something you hope no one else ever has to understand.
My appointment was at 10:30. After signing all the paper work they took me back. I had the same nice male nurse I had last time. I think his name was Will, although without reading classes I'm half blind, so his name might have been Bill or Harvey or something...anyway.. the first thing he did was weigh me... for those who might be interested I now weigh 119 lbs, up 9lbs from my lowest point and down about 50lbs from the start of all this!!!!
He sat me in a recliner in this tiny little room, he then made me extremely comfortable, layed back, feet up, nice fluffy pillow, warm blanket....Then the sticking starts!!!! It is very rare that anyone "sticks" me and hits the vein before the third or fourth try. Today I got lucky, he hit it on the second try, but in my hand!!! They tested my blood sugar, which was good @ 93, and started an IV. Then he brought me another jug of white milky "gook" to drink. (I had to drink one jug last night.) He explained the one last night was to "coat" my pelvic area and the one today was to "coat" my throat area. He then left and the technician came in with his little metal box. This always cracks me up to see him walk in carrying this small metal box, I feel as if I'm in a sci-fi movie, fixing to be injected with some extremely hazardous material that will make night lighting unnecessary in our household!!!! He then pulls out a syringe which is encased in a fairly large metal cylinder and injects the radio active isotopes into my IV. Then he leaves me for 1 hour while the white milky "gook" and the glow in the dark isotopes flow evenly throughout my rolling little veins!!!! So I did what I do best...napped!!! When he came back to get me he had me go to empty my bladder and then he strapped me to this extremely narrow table to begin the scans. The scans only take about fifteen minutes during which time my arms and feet are strapped to the table and I have to remain still. This of course is the time in which body parts I forgot I had begin to itch!!!!! All in all it really wasn't a bad experience. We got out of there at about 1:00 and Wendell had Krispy Kreme doughnuts waiting on me!!! Today I was actually able to eat the doughnut for the first time!!!! Usually I can only lick the creme out of the middle and waste the rest... It was a good day!!!
My doctor is on vacation so I will not find out the results of the scans until Monday. I have to try really hard to not think about it or dwell on it.... I have to admit it is going to be a long five days. Please help me to pray that what ever the Lord's will is, He will provide the grace I need to accept it. My appointment is not until 2:30 p.m. on Monday, in Knoxville, but as soon as I am back home I will post the results here so those of you who are so faithful to pray for us will know my results as soon as possible. Once again thank you for your love, support, and most of all your prayers!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!!

2009-12-27T19:49:00.004-05:00

Kiah Got a new Camera!!!
Punky got new UGG'S!!!!

Jess got a Fossil Watch!!!

Wendell got some Camo!!!

The girls got new PJ's with night masks!!!

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!!!

I apologise for taking so long in between my blogs but I have been extremely busy!!!! That makes me soooo happy to be able to say that!!! I had spent months just sitting and laying around with no energy to do much of anything. There were times over this last year if I was able to shower my self during the day I felt like I had accomplished a full days work!!!! The Lord has blessed me beyond measure!!! I was able to do all the Christmas shopping I normally do, I was able to attend our Church Christmas play, I've cooked and even done a little cleaning (Punky still does most of the cleaning for me).

All of my kids were at the house Monday night to celebrate Christmas together. Wendell and Kiah had went shopping that day and didn't get back until the other kids were arriving, which left me to cook the dinner. I had not cooked a meal since "pre cancer"!!!! I informed them before they fixed their plates that they might have to go to Sonic when they left the house, I wasn't guaranteeing anything!!! But to my surprise the meal was very good!!!!

Wendell, the girls, Aaron and I spent Christmas Eve, day, at home, opening our gifts from each other and just having a good time laughing and being together.

We spent Christmas Eve, evening, at Billy and Jeans, having dinner with Wendell's side of the family. Before prayer Billy always asks if anyone has anything to say. Jean said she was thankful that I was there this Christmas, which started my water works, then Wendell spoke which made them flow even more. It was pretty emotional. I felt so blessed to be able to feel well enough to not only be present for Christmas but to really enjoy it. The Lord has been soooo good to me.

Christmas day my extended family came to our house for Christmas dinner. A couple of months ago I would not have thought it would be possible for me to have all my family over to my house for Christmas, but the Lord has brought me a long way in the last few months. I was exhausted when it was over but as corny and cliche' as it may sound I felt so blessed to be able to be here and be able to get exhausted. All the work was truly a blessing. I can't help but think of the people I know, my age or younger, who were diagnosed with cancer after me, and are not here to spend Christmas with their families. I don't know why or understand the Lord's grace to me. I feel so undeserving of His goodness, but am so thankful for it. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking back over this past year and all He has brought me through. I have thought about how I can't even begin to imagine going through the trials in this life without knowing Him. In our darkest times, when we were at our lowest points, because of Him, we could still look up and have hope. Even if things don't work out the way we want or understand we still have that promise that "all things work together for good, to those that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." I still don't always understand but I still choose to trust.

The last time my Mom was at my house was Christmas Day last year. I can still see her walking in carrying her clothes basket filled with different dishes. I couldn't help but feel sad, wishing that she were here. Mom always made the dressing, Kim has took on that obligation now. She tried to make it as close to Moms as she could. I can't eat dressing now so I didn't try it but it looked just like what Mom always made. Dad still deep fried the turkey just like he and Mom have always done and it was delicious.

I have a PET scan scheduled for this Wednesday, December 30th. Please help us to pray that the Lord's will will be done in this, and above all, that His grace will be sufficient for me, no matter what the result.

Thank you once again for your faithfulness to pray for me and my family.

Medication Side-Effects

2009-12-07T11:31:00.002-05:00

I wrote in my last post about my health issues and triumphs, but I didn't mention the fact that I haven't slept more than an hour and a half, a night, in weeks!!! I go to bed feeling exhausted and toss and turn all night, wide awake. My last doctor visit, I complained about this and he wrote me a prescription for a sleep aide, we have all heard of from TV, Ambien. When I get my prescriptions filled they always give me the generic version when possible. Because these generic versions have different, wierd names, I always read the information the pharmicist gives to me about the drugs, mainly to know which is which, and to understand exactly what each medication is for and what it does. I did this with the Ambien. I read all the side effects of this drug, which we all know they just have to tell you about, they never "Really" happen!!!!! We read or hear the side effects of a drug we are fixing to take but somehow we feel the chances of those actually happening to us would be like one in a zillion!!!! That information is just statistics. We would "never" be a statistic. We somehow forget that what brought us to using the drug in the first place has probably already made us a "statistic"!!! hee hee!!!! Anyway, armed with this knowledge and feeling as if sleep was an extremely important quality of life I was missing, I began taking the drug, nightly. The info. clearly states to only take the medication when you "can devote seven to eight hours to sleep". HA!!! The drug would put me to sleep fairly quickly, but, I would again be wide awake in an hour and a half. So.... One night last week, I took the pill and went to bed as usual. As usual I woke up an hour and a half later, right on schedule. I had been so wore out, I thought, "I am not going to do this tonight!!! If one pill only puts me to sleep for an hour and a half, another pill could not possibly harm me!!! What's the worse that could happen? I sleep for four hours straight?" So I took another pill......
The next day I woke up thinking well, that worked pretty well and I felt pretty good. So I went about my daily buisness. I went to get the store paper work ,that Jess would have brought home the night before after I had went to bed, and I couldn't find it anywhere. It wasn't in the normal place so I asked Wendell were it was? Had Jess brought it home? He said yes she had brought it home and he had put it where we always keep it until I get time to deal with it. Frustrated, and thinking he was crazy, after all it didn't have legs to move it's self, I went to get my books and found the paper work from the day before was done. It was all recorded in my handwriting, although sloppier than usual. The only mistake I found was I had recorded one thing twice. My mind went back to that other pill and the medication information I had read about the impossible, possible side effects!!! The info. stated that Ambien has been known to, in rare cases, cause people to do things in their sleep that they don't know they are doing!!!! I have absolutely NO memory of getting up and doing that paper work. Even after the fact, most times you can look back and remember parts of things, I remember nothing about that night after taking that second pill. The paer work would have took me fourty five minutes to an hour to do and I cannot remember doing any of it. I asked Wendell and the girls if they had known I was up or seen me up that night. Wendell said no, he didn't wake up. Kiah said she woke up at about one thirty a.m. and I had the lights on. Punky said she woke up at one thirty seven a.m. and I was up. She said I had every light in the house on and was making all kinds of noise. She said it was making her angry that I was "beating and banging" on everything and not even trying to be quiet while everyone else slept!!! She said she almost got up but didn't. I wish she would have, that could have been interesting!!!
That night I took an Ambien before bed thinking, oh well, I'll only take one, I'll never take two again. After taking that pill, however, I got scared thinking of all the possibilities. I made Wendell get up and hide the guns somewhere I didn't know about. I was afraid my subconcious would be thinking about guns or something and I would do something else in my sleep. Needless to say, I quit taking the Ambien that night, and am back to being unable to sleep.
I quess when doctors pescribe drugs for us we just take them, almost blindly. That won't be the case with me anymore. It really scares me that I could have done all that in my sleep and still have ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY of that night's happenings!!!

Feeling Great

2009-12-06T17:14:00.003-05:00

It seems like it has been a long time since I have blogged. I've thought of things I have wanted to say, but just haven't been able to find the time this week!!!!
I got up one day this week and got into the shower first thing as usual. While I was showering I was going over in my mind everything I had to get done within a few days...what order I was going to do them in... how I was going to accomplish everything....step by step... starting with as soon as I got out of the shower. I began to laugh and then cry as a thought crossed my mind...This is just what I use to do, daily, while showering!!!! The thought was... I have my life back!!!!
As far as my health goes, I have been doing great. I have energy to go and do things again. I have even started driving again after about 9 months. (Although my driving skills don't seem to be what they use to be!!! I don't know who gets more scared over my driving, me or Kiah.) My neck only turns about half the way it should, so backing is kind of difficult and scary!!!
I have my taste buds back and can taste what I can eat. This is a real blessing. The doctors had said after the radiation my taste buds could take years to return or I might not ever get them back. I still can't eat normally but my menu has lengthened. I still have to eat moist foods, dryer foods I can sometimes swallow a few bites but it is to much trouble to eat much. My throat muscles just don't contract like they should normally. I haven't had a hamburger since before my first surgery in March, but I have recently been able to swallow a few bites of pizza, enough to curtail the cravings!!! Soup is still a big portion of my menu but I can live with that. It's just hard sometimes because if we are out I can only eat at certain restaurants, mostly sit down ones where they have soups and potatoes. I can't just go to McDonalds, there is nothing there I can eat. (other than desserts of course.) But like I said I can live with this it's really not that big of a deal except when I'm wanting attention from Wendell or the girls, then I will muster up my whinniest voice and say, "It must be nice to be able to sit down and eat that bag of tortilla chips your eating :( !!!!hee hee. They know I just want attention and usually appease me.
My jaw still hurts, which concerns me sometimes, but the pain is not something to bad to deal with. My mouth will only open about a half inch to an inch. I am pretty deaf in my left ear, which rings constantly, but it's something I have become use to and can ignore most of the time. My face and neck on the left side is still numb, which makes my mouth look crooked. All of these things are really just minor annoyances, nothing so dramatic I can't deal with them. I feel really good most of the time and feel as if I finally do have my life back. I feel so well that it makes thinking of my up and coming PET Scan a little scary. I can't imagine going backwards, by this I mean having to deal with more cancer any time soon. Please help me to pray that the Lord's will will be done, (with the PET Scan), and most of all that He will give me the grace to deal with what ever His will may be for my life. Without His precious grace I would have crumbled months and months ago.
My sister Kim gave my dad a surprise birthday party last night. It went really well. His birthday is December 25th, Christmas Day, and has always been pretty much overlooked because of all the Christmas festivities. My Aunt Sue was there from South Carolina. She has been fighting cancer for several years now. She and I were able to sit and talk quite a bit last night which I really enjoyed. It was good to listen to her, her perspectives on having cancer, her feelings and how she sees things. As a cancer patient, you can talk to people and most everyone is sympathetic and concerned and very, very kind, but talking to someone who actually knows how I feel, and has been there too, was very good for me. She is a very strong lady who has been through a lot and has handled it with God's grace. She and I had a lot of the same views on how we deal with our cancer. Although I wish she was not having to deal with cancer at all, it was so good to talk to her, she knows how I feel. Not only do we have the same views on our cancer but she too is a christian who has relied on the Lord's grace time and time again.
Well, I have a lot more to talk about but this post is already long so I guess I'll wait till next time.
I hope everyone that reads this is doing well and looking forward to a blessed Christmas.

Thanksgiving, Black Friday, And Our Dear Friend

2009-11-28T20:16:00.022-05:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day. Our family was blessed with good health, family togetherness and a table full of great food. There was a total of thirty nine of us gathered at my sister Kim's house. We were missing my Aunt Sue and her children and their families from South Carolina, Teresa's son Aaron and his family, Bonnie's son Myron, and Jason's son Tristen which would have added 16 more!!!! We took alot of pictures but didn't attempt a group picture.

Misty, Josh, Me, Wendell, Michael, Aaron, Punky, Kiah, Renea And Stephanie.

Michael & Stephanie

Josh, Misty & Renea

Aaron & Punky

Abbey & Mikiah

Teresa, Me, Kim & Dad

Jason, Elijah, Lucas, Teresa, Seth, Owen, Chris, Charlie, Rachel, Abbey, Kira, Misty, Mckensie & Malachi

Robbie, Kelvey, Kim & Meagan

Wilson, Ron, Bob & Jack

Maurice, Marcus, Bonnie, Carson, Talisha & Camden

Wendell, Stephanie, Punky, Kiah, Aaron & I got up, took showers and left the house by 3:00 a.m.on Friday, Black Friday, to go shopping. Call us crazy, I know, but it has became a family tradition for us and we have a blast!!! It all started years ago when Wendell and I had a financially rough year and had not bought any Christmas presents until he recieved a bonus from his job right before Thanksgiving. We were so excited we couldn't sleep and woke up at 3:00 a.m. and decided to go shopping!!! That was the beginning of a family tradition. Now that the kids are all older we never really have an agenda or go for any item in particular, we just go for the fun of it!!! A few weeks ago I would never have dreamed I would have been well enough or would have had the strength to have made this shopping trip!!! For the last few days I have been amazed at the health and strength the Lord has blessed me with!!!! I can't thank or praise Him enough!!! He has brought me so far!!! I can't help but think, "Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His Holy name." What a great and merciful God we serve!!! Family members that I haven't seen, since my hospital stay at Vanderbilt, until Thanksgiving, were amazed at my progress. To God be all the glory!!!!

Our dear friend Mrs. Adkisson was laid to rest today. She looked absolutely beautiful, as always!!! Her service was such a blessing. I sat there listening to Bro. Parrot and Bro. Jones speak of her and the wonderful testimony she had and it made me think how I would love to leave this life with such a testimony!!!! She was a wonderful wife, Mother, friend and child of God. She so loved life and lived it joyfully, but nothing down here can compare to the life and joy she is living now. Please remember her family and loved ones in prayer. The void her passing has left will not be an easy one to get through. She will be greatly missed.

Mrs. Adkisson

2009-11-26T09:55:00.002-05:00

A wonderful lady, Mrs. Geraldine Adkisson, went home to be with our precious Lord Tuesday night. She was a very special friend to Wendell & I and was like an extra "Granny" for Punky and Kiah. Our whole families hearts are aching at the loss. We are so thankful for her testimony and the life she lived and the privilege of just being her friend. We praise God that even in a time of great sorrow, we have not only the hope, but the promise, of seeing her again.

Our thoughts and prayers are with her family. We love you all.