Monday, June 6, 2011

Cancer Walking With Me

Once again I am up at 2:20 a.m. My bones are soooo achy, my ear and jaw are aching, and I have insomnia. This has been my "norm" for the last two weeks. This "phase" began on our vacation and hasn't ended yet. I wake up and have to get up immediately. It's hard making it through the day on two hours sleep at night. So as I sat here, in my recliner, in the weee hours of the morning, I began to think about how even though this September it will have been two years since I had finished my treatments, Cancer is still a several times a day thought for me. Cancer is still occupying a big part of my life. Cancer will never go away. Cancer will be a companion of mine throughout the rest of my life, and it is very probable that Cancer will be the culprit allowed to end my life. When you are a realist like me and you know the statistics, and you know the power of God, but you don't know the mind of God, or what His will in this will ultimately be, you think on all the outcomes more than you would like!!!! When your body is almost a completely different body than it had been for the last few decades of your life, you feel 88 instead of 48. Life takes on a new view. It's as if Cancer is walking along right beside me, never missing a step. It's as if I know him so well, as almost, in a weird way, as if Cancer is a friend. A friend in the since that Cancer knows me inside and out. I know Cancer. We know more about each other than we do anyone else. We have been intimately acquainted. Cancer knew how to bring me to the lowest point thus far in my life. Cancer walked me to the very door of death but then backed away for some unknown and unexpected reason. The will of God. God chose to back Cancer back out of my life for now but he will always walk beside me. Waiting I guess, like me, to see if it will be God's will for me to be left in Cancers grip ever again. I know God holds the ultimate keys to this situation, I know what ever happens He will supply my needs and the grace needed to endure. But that doesn't mean I don't spend some time a little scared, not desiring the experience of being left in Cancers grip again. Cancer is someone, even though he was very nasty to me, at the same time and in the same space, Cancer was a friend who forced me to a place of total reliance on a God I had trusted many times before. Cancer brought me to the place of knowing there is definately nothing good within myself. Cancer brought me to a place of rest in the Peace and Grace of an almighty God. I have never known such extreme peace as the peace I found in the bowels of Cancer. I am endepted to Cancer for life, for the major lessons he brought into my life.

1 comment:

Karen Crabtree said...

Just wanted you to know that I wish you were not in pain and that you felt so much better. I do know you look so good!!! I am happy you are here and even though you are in pain most days, you look so much healthier. It was so hard to watch you, near to your death and wonder if you would make it. It truly was a miracle!!! I want, as your friend, for you to be happy and no worries of cancer. I want you to be painfree and sleep all night.
Praying for you!!