Note To Self: Never Ignore Vital Warning Signs!!!!

Well, yesterday was the day for my biopsy. I got up at 3:00 a.m.  I got ready and completed a few chores around the house and we headed out at 4:30 a.m. Stephanie went with us so we picked her up at Lowe's and then headed towards Knoxville. We arrived just a few minutes late but all was well!!!! LOL!!! They got me ready and had to do another last minute blood test. If you have ever had surgery you know they have some standard procedures that they go through with every patient. I was seen by at least 10 different nurses, lab techs and such, before the procedure. They all ask two standard questions, what is your birth date and what are you having done today? I was asked these two questions 150 times!!! I think subconsciously I knew something, because I would always stress that I was having two places on my tongue biopsied. I would go into detail explaining that one place was a lump on the top of my tongue and the other was a place the doctor had found on the bottom of my tongue. At one point, I was having to sign some routine papers brought in by one of the nurses. She again had asked what I was there for and I had once again went into detail telling her. When she handed me the paper to sign  it read that I was having "A biopsy of the base of the tongue." I told her this was not really correct, the two places were not at the base of my tongue, they were on the part of the tongue you can see inside my mouth. She folded that paper over, said she would call the Doctor and get back to me. She returned later to say she had talked to the Doctor, he said it was ok, he knew exactly where to biopsy, and it was ok for me to sign the paper, so I did. I had told Wendell and Stephanie that I was not quite sure about this doctor, he seemed a "little sketchy" to me. I had asked one of the main nurses about him and she had only rave revues for him. She told me he had operated on her uncle who had had throat cancer and he had done a wonderful job. She thought he was one of the best!!! So I tried to lay those negative thoughts to rest. (You may ask why I continued to see a doctor I was not confident with and I will try to address that thought later, there is a real reason. The sentences further down, with the ** in front will tell you why. All of those reasons and the fact that every time I go to a doctor I am faced with normally multiple bills for the different things they each do. It is sooo expensive and I feel soooo guilty for spending the families income on my personal bills!!!!! And this situation, in particular, Wendell thinks I should just let go.) After some discussions with two anesthesiologists they decided how they were going to put me to sleep because of my unusual circumstances of my mouth not opening and all. The doctor came to see me right before they took me to the surgery room. He mumbled around trying to say something and then asked again what kind of cancer I had had. I told him. He then asked what "we" were going to do today. I got the impression this question was not asked in the same way the nurses had asked, but was asked so he would know what it was he needed to do that day!!!!LOL!!!! Insert note to self here: Never ignore vital warning signs!!! I went into detail pointing, showing, and telling him about the two spots he needed to biopsy. He left, they started wheeling my bed down the hall and through a door and that's all I remember until I woke up in tears because my back and chest were hurting so bad. A nurse came over and asked if I was hurting and then gave me a shot of something in my IV. Eventually I was taken to a recovery room where Stephanie and Wendell came in. They said the doctor had told them everything had went well. I did just fine. He didn't think there was much reason to worry he thought it was my broke, rotten teeth rubbing by tongue and causing the irritation. I needed to call his office Monday morning to get the lab results that will tell us for sure what it is. Once I was fully awake I got my flashlight I carry in my purse and headed to the restroom. I looked in my mouth to discover that there had been two biopsies done, but they were both done on the same spot on the bottom of my tongue!!!! He had not even biopsied the lump on the top of my tongue!!!!! I was sooooo disappointed. I had gone through all of this and I was still not going to know what the lump on the top of my tongue was!!!! **I had used the gas to drive to Knoxville on four different occasions...once for the initial doctors visit, once to fill out papers and get instructions from his nurse, once to go to the hospital for pre-op tests which included a chest x-ray, and EKG, and lab work where I was stuck multiple times as always when the nurse couldn't get a vein!!!! I was going to be facing multiple large bills for all of this. I had been poked and poked and poked, I had been anaesthetised, and I had had my tongue cut on And I Still did Not Have The Answer I had Came in search of!!!! I was in dismay!!! I was in tears!!!! I was so disappointed!!! I came out and told Wendell and Steph what had happened. Wendell did not feel the same way I do over this. He just thinks enough is enough. I know he feels exasperated. I know he is tired. I know he thinks I should have listened to Dr. Seifker and Dr. Netterville, they are both experts in this field and have said it is not cancer. At one point after seeing how upset I was he asked what next am I going to go to UT next? I can't imagine being in his shoes and going through all I have put him through!!! We told the nurse what had happened and she said what I expected any of the hospital or doctor staff would say, "Well he probably got in there and decided it was not anything that needed to be biopsied." She tried to locate the doctor but came back and told us he was in surgery and to call his office later that day. She then came back a few minutes later and said she had his office on the phone, Wendell took the call and his office personnel said what I thought they would say, she also said she would have him call us. Wendell gave her our home number and we left. I felt like I was in the "Twilight Zone". No one felt the way I did over the situation and I couldn't understand why. No one but me thought anything was wrong. No one but me felt the doctor had messed up!!! No one but me was upset that he had not done what he was suppose to. I was no better off after all I had gone through, not to mention the expense I was facing. No one but me seemed to have any emotion over this at all. Every thing was as it should be. I honestly felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I did not want or expect anyone, including my self, to yell or scream or make a scene. All I was expecting was someone to say "I understand why you are feeling so disappointed." but that did not happen.  No one else seemed to feel as if anything wrong had been done. Am I wrong? We left the hospital, Wendell stopped at Sam's to get product for the store, He went through the drive thru at Chick-fil-A, we dropped Stephanie off at Lowe's, We stopped at the store for him to unload the product from Sam's, and then we went home. Life went on as normal....Except.... during this time the Lord spoke to my heart telling me some things I needed to hear and to also let me know He IS in control. He gave me the grace and peace I needed.
Humanly it is still hard to understand and come to terms with all that transpired yesterday. I keep remembering the feeling of standing there in dismay and no one understanding why. No one understanding what the big deal was.  I felt so alone. I honestly felt as if it was all so clear and everyone should feel the same way I did, but no one did. I felt like I was standing all alone in the middle of the twilight zone. 
Spiritually I know none of the humanly emotions or feelings matter. Spiritually today I am rejoicing in my soul Knowing God's grace is sufficient. I am rejoicing in my heart knowing God made His presence known to me yesterday, I was not standing alone. He understood and was standing there with me. He spoke to my heart yesterday at a time when I needed Him sooo bad. He spoke in a personal way that I will not publish on a blog. But I do want to say I am ok. I have peace of heart and mind over this situation now.
It really doesn't even matter now, but the doctor did call me yesterday evening. In a way he said what I knew he would say. He said when he got in there it was the strangest thing....he could not find the lump anywhere....he knew it was there, but he could not find it. It was so weird. All he could figure was...when I was asleep, well not just asleep, but in that perfect relaxed state that came from being under the anesthesia, my muscles were so relaxed that the lump went away...all he can figure is the lump must be just the muscles in my tongue tensing up when I am awake and not perfectly relaxed as only the anesthesia can cause. It was the strangest thing, he had never seen it before. He went on to start to give me a percentage as to whether or not the spot he biopsied was cancer but stopped and said we just needed to wait till Monday and get the lab results and we would go from there. He said my teeth really needed to be pulled and he can not believe the insurance will not pay for it because if we wait they will be paying for a jaw replacement.  
The humanly part of me can't help but wonder how in the world he could have kept from telling Wendell and Stephanie about this really strange, weird thing that he had never experienced before!!!! I can't help but wonder how anyone could keep such a strange unusual phenomena to themselves!!!!
The spiritual part of me knows it does not matter. I finally have peace over this lump!!!!
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!!! Thank-you Peggy, and Jen, and April, and Rachel, and Teresa, and Willie for your uplifting comments and for your prayers!!!! It meant so much to me to hear from each of you and know "humanly" I am still not alone, I have great friends!!!! Thank-You, Thank-You, Thank-You!!!!
I will try to give an update when I get the lab results back!!!!

Here We Go Aagin??????

It has been a really long time since I have written here. I don't know if anyone still stops by now.
I will give a quick update before I get to the real reason I am writing again, after all this blog has a theme we wouldn't want to stray from!!!LOL!!!
First things first.... I am finally going to be a grand ma!!!!!!! I can't wait!!!! Stephanie and Michael are expecting their first baby in February!!!! We will find out Oct. 12  if it is a boy or girl!!!! It is so exciting!!!! I at first thought it was a boy but now I am feeling girl....I don't really care....I just want a grand baby!!!! I guess if I could pick I would pick boy, only because my first child was a boy and he has been out of the house and married for over ten years, I have still had the girls here, so it has been a while since we have had a boy around. But let me say I will be happy with which ever the Lord blesses us with!!!! I did spot a cabbage doll in a store awhile back. Cabbage Patch dolls were the big item when Stephanie was little. One of those things that you practically had to fight to get because there was more demand than there were dolls. I had bought Stephanie one that had long dark curly hair like her. Well, I couldn't resist when I saw it this time, so I had to buy it. It has long, dark, curly hair too!!!! If my grand baby is a girl I will give it to her if not then maybe next time?????? I have struggle with what I want to be called. I wanted Mammy, but that is what my sister's hundred and fifty grand babies call her!!! Punky likes Granna, I kind of like Meme!!!! What do you think?
I would love for you to give me ideas and suggestions on what I should be called. Please let me know in the comment section here or if you are shy you could email me. I would love to hear some options!! Also I would love to hear from anyone who has been in the store since the remodel!!! Let me know what you think and I will pass it on to Wendell, He would love to hear what you think about everything and any suggestions you might have!!!
Wendell ended up keeping the store and running it himself. He remodeled it all spring and summer and is pretty much through now. Well, he has stopped for now, there is still a few things needed to be done, but for the most part he is through. He moved the deli into the dining room and out of the store area. He moved the cash register section to where the deli was and added fountain drink machines where the cash register originally was. It looks good and we have had a lot of positive feedback. We also, finally, was able to purchase a soft serve ice cream machine, which is a huge hit!!!! It serves eight different flavors and vanilla. I have literally gained ten pounds!!!! I can't stay away from the butter pecan, it's amazing!!!!  I will try to post pictures of the changes soon. If you live locally come on in and get breakfast, lunch or dinner and an ice cream for dessert!!!! I really believe you will love it and won't be sorry you stopped by!!!!
Now on to the original reason for this blog....my health....cancer. This past Sunday was two anniversaries for me...Wendell and my twenty third wedding anniversary and the third anniversary since my last radiation treatment!!!! Yeah for both!!!!
My worst fear ever was not that the cancer would return, but that it would return on my tongue. That thought is terrifying to me. The first week in August Wendell, me and the girls went to Destin for our annual vacation. We usually always go in May, which I originally had reservations for, but had to change them till August, because, Wendell was head over heels into the store renovations. My throat and tongue were sore before we left but the pain only got worse as time went on. Then one night I had got up because I was really hurting and went into the bath room to investigate. My mouth was not opening very much at all, probably less than half an inch. I was having to squish food in order to get it into my mouth. It was really hard to see in there, but I saw what appeared to be a lump on my tongue. It was one of those things that I really couldn't be sure if it was or wasn't there. I immediately became terrified and began to pray. That morning I had Wendell make me an appointment to see Dr. Seifker, The doctor that treated me in October of 2009, right after I had finished my radiation and the Crabtrees and us went to Destin. I ended up in the hospital down there with what could have became a life threatening infection. If you want you can read about that experience in a blog post I wrote on October 17, 2009. You can access it by going to the bottom of this blog and clicking on  "October 2009 and then looking for the post written on the 17th. I haven't figured out how to post a link. Sorry :(  Anyway, Wendell and I went to Dr. Seifker's office on Wednesday or Thursday of that week I don't remember the day for certain. Dr. Seifker ran a camera up my nose and down my throat to look for any adnormalities, there were none there!!!Yeah!!! He had to stick the camera in my mouth to be able to see anything because my mouth just would not open very wide. He was very concerned with my teeth. The few I have left are all broken and rotten. He could not believe our health insurance will not pay for the dental work I need done, that will cost me over $30,000.00 dollars, that I, of course, do not have!!! He said my sore tongue was a result of my teeth being in such bad shape. He said it was definately not cancer. He gave me a steroid shot in the hip and a presciption for a steriod and one for an antibiotic. We left there relieved. Well, our vacation came to an end after a week of rain every day :( We returned home and my mouth becan to open wider than it has in years. We believe it was a result of the steroid shot I had recieved. Anyway, I could see in my mouth a lot better and the lump I thought I saw began to get a little more noticible. I started to get a little uneasy again. When I showed it to Wendell he said he could not see anything. I finally showed it to Kiah and she said she could see what I was talking about. As time went on I couldn't get it off my mind. As I said at the beginning of this paragraph, the cancer returning on my tongue has always been my worst fear ever. After some time I showed it to my daughter-in-law, Misty, she said she could definately see what I was talking about. By this time it had grown to the point where Wendell also could not deny it was there. On other occasions I had gone to an ENT in knoxville that I usualy ended up seeing the nurse practitioner. I was not confident seeing him but I had tried to make an appointment and it would have been over a month before I could see the actual doctor. Wendell made me an appointment with Dr. Netterville in Nashville. Wendell at that time and even now thinks I should listen to Dr. Seifker adn also what Dr. Netterville said and forget about it. But I can't. I can't stop thinking, "Why do I have a lump on my tongue? No one I know has ever had a lump on there tongue." I will admit I am scared. We went to Dr. Netterville and because this post is getting so long and I still have more to say I will not go into that whole visit I will just tell you the result, Dr. Netterville said it was not cancer. He came to this conclusion by looking into my mouth that had returned to hardly opening, and by trying to stick his finger in there and touch it. His hand is big and I feel he could not adequitely touch it. He said when he rubbed it one way it felt like a tumor but when he rubbed it in the oposite direction it felt like a wrinkle!!! I left there acting as if I was satisfied with his diagnosis but I definately was not. As time has gone on ....Wendell still thinks I am crazy for worring and should leave it alone because after all two experts, Dr. Seifker and Dr. Netterville have said it is not cancer. I went to my family Dr. for my monthly visit and I told him about it. He looked and said if it was him he would definately want it biopsied. His office made me an appointment with an ENT in Knoxville who I have went to see. This new ENT saw another spot he was very concerned about on the bottom of my tongue which is the source of the soreness. This ENT said if he were me he would definately want both places biopsied. So I have an appointment to go at 6:00 am on October 5, to have them biopsied. They will have to do it in a surgery setting. They will intabate me through my nose since my mouth does not open. It will be a quick procedure if nothing goes wrong. My appointment is on a Friday and he said I would know the results that day, but I asked his nurse, on another visit, and she said it will be that next Monday before I get the results. So this is where I am at this time....in limbo....scared, at times terrified.
I am very interested in what you think. Should I leave it alone and foget about it? If it were you what would you do? I would love to hear truthful opinions, not what you think I would want to hear, what you truely think.
I know God has not changed, He is still in control. I need His grace probably now more than I ever have. Please pray for me. I must admit I am scared. I know what having cancer on your tongue can lead to and it is not a good outcome. I never prayed, the first time for God to take this "cup" from me, but I have prayed for Him to take this "cup" from me this time. But if that it not His will, that He will give me the Grace I need to go where this might lead.
Well after all this time, this is where I am. This is my update!!!!!! If you are still out there and reading this please let me know I am not alone and leave me a comment or email. You all made it soooo much easier last time not only for me but for Wendell also!!!

After Much Thought And Many, Many Prayers....

I am writing this particular post mainly for those who live in our area and know us personally.

Wendell and I purchased the store, we own and operate as our source of income to support our family, in March of 2003. I am not one who can say that "God told me this", or "showed me this" concerning everything in my life, but I do know, one million percent, that "God put us in the store". I have always felt that we were suppose to be there until "God takes us out", in order for us to be in His will, concerning our careers, for our lives. I could go into detail how God showed me on more than one occasion that the store was where we were suppose to be, but I won't go into that now...maybe later.

Running the store and deli is no easy task. We have, and Wendell still does, spend many more hours there or running errands for the store, than a normal 40 hour work week. Wendell gets up at 3:30 am Monday through Saturday to open and begin the day at the store. We have always been closed on Sundays in observance and respect of the Lord's day. For the first three years we were open Wendell worked another full time job and I was left to "mind the store" during the day. After working all day in Knoxville he would come to the store and work there till we closed together at 10:00 pm. Wendell's job in Knoxville ceased to exist, (in 2006 or 2007 I'm not sure the exact date) He began to run the store full time and I put all my attention into the "book work" end of running the store and taking care of all the financial responsibilities concerning the store, and was better able to manage running the home also. This arrangement worked really well for us. He had his place and I had mine!!!!LOL!!!! Before opening the store I had no idea how to do any accounting work necessary to run a business. Luckily the Lord had placed a friend in my life who was so kind and willing to teach me how to complete and file all the necessary taxes and paperwork needed. I had always been of the mind set that if I didn't know how to do something I could definitely learn how to do it!!!! Hiring an accountant is very expensive and would add another monthly debt that we just can't afford. I have always preferred to save the money and do it myself anyway, that way I have always known where we stood financially day to day. The store is not a very high profit business and the government has burdened us with so many taxes, that there have been many times on Wednesday I have prayed, concerned that if the Lord didn't do something I would not be able to pay the bills due on Friday. I can rejoice and say that God has always been faithful and somehow in ways that I could not foresee, he has ALWAYS met our needs!!!! Once again affirming that where He leads He will provide!!!!

Then came Cancer.

Since being diagnosed with the cancer my life has not been near the same as it was before. Before cancer I was never ill. I had been to the doctor maybe once in the ten years prior and that was due to an accident not an illness. I thought that when and if I made it through the treatments my life and health would be back to normal. Nothing has been farther from the truth!!! I underwent five surgeries, 37 radiation treatments and was administered two different kinds of chemo. These things and the cancer have left my body feeling ways I never dreamed of. I am constantly having some kind of health issue. Not only am I left with health issues but for me the hardest thing to deal with is the change in the way my brain seems to function. I don't know if it is because the radiation was so close to my brain or what the actual cause has been, but my mind does not function as clearly as it use to. This is extremely hard for me to admit, especially in such a public forum, but I feel as if I am at a point where I have to admit it so you will know why we are doing what we are doing concerning the store. I have been unable mentally and physically to keep up with my responsibilities. I had never paid a late fee or penalty before. If necessary I would have did without something else before paying a late fee on a bill, late fees would be like tearing money into shreds and flushing it down the toilet!!! I have always felt as if we have worked way to hard to earn the money, to just have to spend it on a late fee would be ridiculous. But sadly, I have paid many late fees and several major tax penalties over the last year. It has not been because the Lord has not provided the means, it has been because mentally and physically I have not been able to meet my obligations. It is hard for me to explain and I know even harder for those who have never experienced this reality to understand. The best way I can describe it is...it is as if my mind is jumbled and it is hard for me to concentrate and even a small mental task has become overwhelming for me, this along with the never ending health issues. I tell myself, "Ok just pull it together, you can do this" and I really, really try only to go back later, on many, many, many occasions and find I have did something wrong or forgot to do it entirely. My not being able to meet my obligations has put a tremendous added burden on Wendell. As hard as he tries it has just gotten to the point where he is unable to do it all. It has begun to take a toll on his mental and physical well being. All of this is very personal to me and extremely hard to admit publicly. I probably wouldn't admit it so publicly if it wasn't for the fact that we have reached a point where we have to make a change. I am heart broken at the fact that I have let my family down in sooo many ways. I feel as if I have been such a burden over the last few years and this has been very hard for me and my personality which has always been to take care of everything for them. I am not telling this here in the hopes of generating your sympathy, I am telling you this in the hope of explaining to you why it is time for us to make a change where the store is concerned. This has not been an easy decision and has only been made after an enormous amount of thought and prayer.

So with all that said....after much prayer....the Lord has opened the door for us to lease the store to someone who leases several other convenience stores in the surrounding area. This person is interested in signing a contract to lease the store for several years which will make it possible for Wendell to seek out other employment to support our family. We do not feel led to sell the store entirely at this time. I assure you we have not made this decision hastily. The person to whom Wendell will be leasing to is of Indian decent which, it has been brought to our attention, is a concern to some of our customers. I do understand this being a concern since no one other than Wendell has had a chance to meet him. I am writing this post and speaking to you about some things I would rather have kept private in the hope that you will not just "write this off", but will understand there are reasons behind our actions. When I have said the "Lord put us in this store and we should stay until He takes us out", I didn't realize how or why that might happen. But I know He is in control and all things work together for good!!! Wendell plans to still be in there as much as possible and our current local employees will still have employment there. We would greatly appreciate your continued support, without it I don't know what we would do.

I Have Been Inspired!!!!

I have been anxiously awaiting the delivery of the decision, from the insurance company, on whether they will cover the cost of the work I need done in my mouth. The problems are a direct effect of the 37 radiation treatments I endured. I appreciate any and EVERY prayer on this matter and will say thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to lift me and my trial to the Lord's ears. Thank-You, Thank-You, Thank-You!!!!

I know I said a lot of things in my last post that were not the happiest most positive things I could say. I have not only struggled physically, but I have also been going through an emotional trial over the last several months. I say emotional and don't use the word spiritual because I still have faith that God DEFINITELY knows what He is doing, and He has a plan for the path my life down here will take. I know He is in control!!! I know He has led me down the path I have walked !!! I know in the end it will be for my good!!!!

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God"

Romans 8:28 KJV

So spiritually I am good!LOL!! It's emotionally that I have struggled. I am going to go into sharing more details of this struggle in my blogging but I have something I want to share first.

Wendell's cousin Charlene and her husband Roger came to TN for a visit over the last two weeks. I have met and enjoyed Charlene's company on several occasions in the past, but I had never met Roger personally. I have heard from him over this blog and if I am not mistaken through a note once. Wendell has told me on many, many, many, occasions that Roger said to tell me he was praying for me. A few years ago Roger was in an accident, that by all human standards, he should not have survived. But he did!!! God has a servant in Roger like no other one I have met!!! Roger suffered from traumatic brain injuries as a result of the accident. It profoundly changed the way he lives his life. He has suffered physically in ways that we can't understand. Mentally he is also a changed man, for example he has a problem comprehending conversations some times and will need a more detailed account of what is being talked about. I, having so many health issues right now of my own, did not spend near as much time as I would have liked to, visiting with Roger and Charlene. Roger's story of survival is amazing, and the direct work of the loving hand of God. Roger's love for our Lord and his desire to "give back" is so amazing and astronomically inspiring!!!! I guess what I am trying to say here is....I have been inspired over the last two weeks. I have never met a kinder person in my life. I have never met someone who loves and cares deeply for everyone the Lord crosses his path with. Roger's thought process may have changed, the way he comprehends things may have changed, all due to the terrible accident he indured, but the person he is now ....I am in awe of!!! Thank you Roger for helping to give me a better view on how I should strive to live my life. Wow, if the world was filled with kind, thoughtful, loving, and most of all praying people like you, this would be less like the world, and more like heaven. My hearts desire right now is to have a mind set more like Roger's. How I desire to view others with the kindness and love Roger seems to love and view them with. After having finally gotten to meet Roger, I am left with a lot to ponder on!!!! Thank-You Roger for opening my eyes to some things I needed to see!!! Thank-You for helping to ignite the desire in me to strive to be a kinder more loving person. Thank-you for helping me to have the desire to live my life more like you live yours...Christ like!!!!

I hope to start updating this blog more frequently in the future. I have a lot to say!!!LOL!!! I also want to share here, for those of you who live around here and know my family and I, what Wendell's plans are for the store and why. So... enough for now....more later....

Well, it has been a pretty eventful couple of weeks!!! Saturday, a week ago, we had Stephanie, Michael, Papaw Tom, and Granny & Papaw Ruppe over for dinner. Wendell cooked tacos, which I can not eat very well, so I had a bagel instead!!! About an hour after everyone left, I began to feel very nauseous. I had acquired my first stomach virus since well before my cancer in 2009. I have been afraid of getting a virus because my mouth will only open about a half an inch. I have been terrified that if I began to vomit I would asphyxiate and choke to death!!! Well, my fears have been put to rest!!! I am proud to announce that I can successfully vomit!!!! I was sick all night Saturday night and most of the day Sunday. After throwing up, the right side of my face, cheek, teeth, bones and gums hurt so bad I was unable to function. I sat in the house, in my recliner, all week, in tears off and on because of the pain. I do have some medication to help with pain but it wasn't even dulling it!!! Wendell had made me an appointment in Oak Ridge on Friday, at the Hypoberic Oxygen Treatment Facility (HBO). To try and make a long story short.....My teeth are all rotten because of the radiation. I need to have HBO treatments and then have all my teeth pulled and then get implants. I can not get dentures because I am missing a lot of bone and gum from my previous cancer surgeries. The total cost for the things I need to have done is in the neighborhood of $30,000.00. I do not have dental insurance. My health insurance is refusing to pay for the things I need to have done because they are saying it is dental not medical, even though it was medical issues that have caused the problems. (Just as a footnote, we pay $679.00 per month for this wonderful medical insurance!!!!) Anyway, Wendell has been working feverishly with the doctors and insurance trying to appeal their decision not to cover these expenses. PLEASE help us pray that they will have a change of heart and pay for the things I need done. My teeth are so rotten that I am in continuous pain and find it hard to function. Without the HBO treatments and the work I need done, my jaw bone is, and will continue, to deteriorate. If I do not get these things done soon they will have to take bone from my hip to replace my jaw bone at which point it will be considered medical and will cost my insurance some where in the neighborhood of a half a million dollars!!!! Not to mention the added pain I will endure!!!! It only makes logical since that they would cover the work now instead of waiting to the point where it will take extreme measures and dollars to fix the problem!!! Please help us pray. Wendell had me scheduled for an appointment in Oak Ridge at the HBO facility last Friday, for a consultation and to get them on board writing letters to help with my insurance appeal. I was in so much pain that I at times could not hold back the tears. The Oral surgeon that is willing to do the implants has his office in Oak Ridge. After leaving the HBO place I asked Wendell to take me to the oral surgeons office to see if maybe it was just one tooth causing me all the pain right now, and maybe he could somehow help me with the pain. I couldn't imagine going through another day in so much pain. I was at my breaking point. The oral surgeon took x-rays and determined that although my teeth are in terrible shape, there is something showing up in my sinuses on the right side where I am having all the pain. He said he has no ideal what it is. I asked if if could be cancer and he said yes. He said that I need to go back to Nashville to see Dr. Netterville as soon as possible. Wendell called Nashville and Dr. Netterville is out of the country and won't be back for three weeks. They said I could come out there and go through the ER and one of Dr. Netterville's colleagues would see me that way. Well, I could not have imagined driving all the way to Nashville and then sitting in the ER for hours waiting to be seen when I was in so much pain, and at that point, mental anguish!!! So I ended up taking my x-rays and going to see my family doctor that afternoon. He said there is no way of telling exactly what is showing up in my sinuses without doing a CT scan. For now he prescribed me more antibiotics and something to help with the pain. His theory is....(pretty gross)....When I was throwing up, some of my stomach content could have gotten into my sinus cavity. I was in so much pain I failed to ask how it would come out!!! Wendell asked a nurse that came in the store and she told him, it will get (or is) infected and the antibiotics will help clear up the infection and the contents will rot and eventually drain.

Yes, I Am Alive

Yes, I am still alive!!!!
I realize I haven’t written here in quite a long time. I have thought about writing many times, I have had much to say and to talk about. I have even been given topics of discussion from loved ones….such as what a wonderful sister in law I have!!!! (Which I do) I will leave it to the imagination as to who suggested that topic!!!!
The truth is…I have always been truthful here, as I have written about how I was living and feeling. I have been in a place for the last three months or so where I have been afraid to write honestly about what I have been feeling. So I have chosen to remain silent and not write here about my feelings.
I have not been in a good place. I have been in a place of deep depression or more accurately a place of grieving. The reason I had chosen not to write about it here was for fear I would be judged harshly by those that might not understand. I know there are some that would feel as if I should just “Get over it” “You are alive “ “how in the world could you be depressed” and worst of all “why are you not praying and trusting God”. Well, to answer some of these thoughts before they are voiced here….Believe me I have prayed, but I know God sometimes allows us to go through these valleys for a reason. He doesn’t always choose to lift us out and set us on sunny ground. Sometimes He chooses to let us walk there for our good and His Glory in the end. I know that there are times that we go through things that we don’t understand, but that help us later on in life with things we face. This may also just be a dark time in my life to help teach me compassion for others when they walk the same or a similar path.

Sometimes we just need to grieve our loss. Yes, I have been blessed beyond measure in many, many, ways over the past few years. I fought and was given life back. The life I was given back, to me is far from the life I knew before. Yes, I am alive and getting to be here with my family, for which I am immeasurably thankful!!!! But my life has changed and I have had a lot of losses that I had not faced up to because of the fight for my life that now I have been forced to recognize. I have had more loss in the last couple of years than I have ever had in my life.
I feel as if I am emerging now from the throws of this grief and depression. I have certainly not fully emerged…but I am definetly on my way up!!! I am at a place now where I feel as if I can share my experiences here with you. So that is what I really hope to do in the coming days.

So just to update you…This is where I have been and why I have been silent here on this blog. I now plan to divulge what I have been going through in future posts here. So, If you are interested…stay tuned…I do have things to say.


15 Mine eyes are ever toward the LORD; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net.
16 Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses.
18 Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins.
19 Consider mine enemies; for they are many; and they hate me with cruel hatred.
20 O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.
21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.
22 Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.
Psalms 25:15-22 KJV