Yes, I am still alive!!!!
I realize I haven’t written here in quite a long time. I have thought about writing many times, I have had much to say and to talk about. I have even been given topics of discussion from loved ones….such as what a wonderful sister in law I have!!!! (Which I do) I will leave it to the imagination as to who suggested that topic!!!!
The truth is…I have always been truthful here, as I have written about how I was living and feeling. I have been in a place for the last three months or so where I have been afraid to write honestly about what I have been feeling. So I have chosen to remain silent and not write here about my feelings.
I have not been in a good place. I have been in a place of deep depression or more accurately a place of grieving. The reason I had chosen not to write about it here was for fear I would be judged harshly by those that might not understand. I know there are some that would feel as if I should just “Get over it” “You are alive “ “how in the world could you be depressed” and worst of all “why are you not praying and trusting God”. Well, to answer some of these thoughts before they are voiced here….Believe me I have prayed, but I know God sometimes allows us to go through these valleys for a reason. He doesn’t always choose to lift us out and set us on sunny ground. Sometimes He chooses to let us walk there for our good and His Glory in the end. I know that there are times that we go through things that we don’t understand, but that help us later on in life with things we face. This may also just be a dark time in my life to help teach me compassion for others when they walk the same or a similar path.
Sometimes we just need to grieve our loss. Yes, I have been blessed beyond measure in many, many, ways over the past few years. I fought and was given life back. The life I was given back, to me is far from the life I knew before. Yes, I am alive and getting to be here with my family, for which I am immeasurably thankful!!!! But my life has changed and I have had a lot of losses that I had not faced up to because of the fight for my life that now I have been forced to recognize. I have had more loss in the last couple of years than I have ever had in my life.
I feel as if I am emerging now from the throws of this grief and depression. I have certainly not fully emerged…but I am definetly on my way up!!! I am at a place now where I feel as if I can share my experiences here with you. So that is what I really hope to do in the coming days.
So just to update you…This is where I have been and why I have been silent here on this blog. I now plan to divulge what I have been going through in future posts here. So, If you are interested…stay tuned…I do have things to say.
15 Mine eyes are ever toward the LORD; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net.
16 Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses.
18 Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins.
19 Consider mine enemies; for they are many; and they hate me with cruel hatred.
20 O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.
21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.
22 Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.
Psalms 25:15-22 KJV