Well, yesterday was the day for my biopsy. I got up at 3:00 a.m. I got ready and completed a few chores around the house and we headed out at 4:30 a.m. Stephanie went with us so we picked her up at Lowe's and then headed towards Knoxville. We arrived just a few minutes late but all was well!!!! LOL!!! They got me ready and had to do another last minute blood test. If you have ever had surgery you know they have some standard procedures that they go through with every patient. I was seen by at least 10 different nurses, lab techs and such, before the procedure. They all ask two standard questions, what is your birth date and what are you having done today? I was asked these two questions 150 times!!! I think subconsciously I knew something, because I would always stress that I was having two places on my tongue biopsied. I would go into detail explaining that one place was a lump on the top of my tongue and the other was a place the doctor had found on the bottom of my tongue. At one point, I was having to sign some routine papers brought in by one of the nurses. She again had asked what I was there for and I had once again went into detail telling her. When she handed me the paper to sign it read that I was having "A biopsy of the base of the tongue." I told her this was not really correct, the two places were not at the base of my tongue, they were on the part of the tongue you can see inside my mouth. She folded that paper over, said she would call the Doctor and get back to me. She returned later to say she had talked to the Doctor, he said it was ok, he knew exactly where to biopsy, and it was ok for me to sign the paper, so I did. I had told Wendell and Stephanie that I was not quite sure about this doctor, he seemed a "little sketchy" to me. I had asked one of the main nurses about him and she had only rave revues for him. She told me he had operated on her uncle who had had throat cancer and he had done a wonderful job. She thought he was one of the best!!! So I tried to lay those negative thoughts to rest. (You may ask why I continued to see a doctor I was not confident with and I will try to address that thought later, there is a real reason. The sentences further down, with the ** in front will tell you why. All of those reasons and the fact that every time I go to a doctor I am faced with normally multiple bills for the different things they each do. It is sooo expensive and I feel soooo guilty for spending the families income on my personal bills!!!!! And this situation, in particular, Wendell thinks I should just let go.) After some discussions with two anesthesiologists they decided how they were going to put me to sleep because of my unusual circumstances of my mouth not opening and all. The doctor came to see me right before they took me to the surgery room. He mumbled around trying to say something and then asked again what kind of cancer I had had. I told him. He then asked what "we" were going to do today. I got the impression this question was not asked in the same way the nurses had asked, but was asked so he would know what it was he needed to do that day!!!!LOL!!!! Insert note to self here: Never ignore vital warning signs!!! I went into detail pointing, showing, and telling him about the two spots he needed to biopsy. He left, they started wheeling my bed down the hall and through a door and that's all I remember until I woke up in tears because my back and chest were hurting so bad. A nurse came over and asked if I was hurting and then gave me a shot of something in my IV. Eventually I was taken to a recovery room where Stephanie and Wendell came in. They said the doctor had told them everything had went well. I did just fine. He didn't think there was much reason to worry he thought it was my broke, rotten teeth rubbing by tongue and causing the irritation. I needed to call his office Monday morning to get the lab results that will tell us for sure what it is. Once I was fully awake I got my flashlight I carry in my purse and headed to the restroom. I looked in my mouth to discover that there had been two biopsies done, but they were both done on the same spot on the bottom of my tongue!!!! He had not even biopsied the lump on the top of my tongue!!!!! I was sooooo disappointed. I had gone through all of this and I was still not going to know what the lump on the top of my tongue was!!!! **I had used the gas to drive to Knoxville on four different occasions...once for the initial doctors visit, once to fill out papers and get instructions from his nurse, once to go to the hospital for pre-op tests which included a chest x-ray, and EKG, and lab work where I was stuck multiple times as always when the nurse couldn't get a vein!!!! I was going to be facing multiple large bills for all of this. I had been poked and poked and poked, I had been anaesthetised, and I had had my tongue cut on And I Still did Not Have The Answer I had Came in search of!!!! I was in dismay!!! I was in tears!!!! I was so disappointed!!! I came out and told Wendell and Steph what had happened. Wendell did not feel the same way I do over this. He just thinks enough is enough. I know he feels exasperated. I know he is tired. I know he thinks I should have listened to Dr. Seifker and Dr. Netterville, they are both experts in this field and have said it is not cancer. At one point after seeing how upset I was he asked what next am I going to go to UT next? I can't imagine being in his shoes and going through all I have put him through!!! We told the nurse what had happened and she said what I expected any of the hospital or doctor staff would say, "Well he probably got in there and decided it was not anything that needed to be biopsied." She tried to locate the doctor but came back and told us he was in surgery and to call his office later that day. She then came back a few minutes later and said she had his office on the phone, Wendell took the call and his office personnel said what I thought they would say, she also said she would have him call us. Wendell gave her our home number and we left. I felt like I was in the "Twilight Zone". No one felt the way I did over the situation and I couldn't understand why. No one but me thought anything was wrong. No one but me felt the doctor had messed up!!! No one but me was upset that he had not done what he was suppose to. I was no better off after all I had gone through, not to mention the expense I was facing. No one but me seemed to have any emotion over this at all. Every thing was as it should be. I honestly felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I did not want or expect anyone, including my self, to yell or scream or make a scene. All I was expecting was someone to say "I understand why you are feeling so disappointed." but that did not happen. No one else seemed to feel as if anything wrong had been done. Am I wrong? We left the hospital, Wendell stopped at Sam's to get product for the store, He went through the drive thru at Chick-fil-A, we dropped Stephanie off at Lowe's, We stopped at the store for him to unload the product from Sam's, and then we went home. Life went on as normal....Except.... during this time the Lord spoke to my heart telling me some things I needed to hear and to also let me know He IS in control. He gave me the grace and peace I needed.
Humanly it is still hard to understand and come to terms with all that transpired yesterday. I keep remembering the feeling of standing there in dismay and no one understanding why. No one understanding what the big deal was. I felt so alone. I honestly felt as if it was all so clear and everyone should feel the same way I did, but no one did. I felt like I was standing all alone in the middle of the twilight zone.
Spiritually I know none of the humanly emotions or feelings matter. Spiritually today I am rejoicing in my soul Knowing God's grace is sufficient. I am rejoicing in my heart knowing God made His presence known to me yesterday, I was not standing alone. He understood and was standing there with me. He spoke to my heart yesterday at a time when I needed Him sooo bad. He spoke in a personal way that I will not publish on a blog. But I do want to say I am ok. I have peace of heart and mind over this situation now.
It really doesn't even matter now, but the doctor did call me yesterday evening. In a way he said what I knew he would say. He said when he got in there it was the strangest thing....he could not find the lump anywhere....he knew it was there, but he could not find it. It was so weird. All he could figure was...when I was asleep, well not just asleep, but in that perfect relaxed state that came from being under the anesthesia, my muscles were so relaxed that the lump went away...all he can figure is the lump must be just the muscles in my tongue tensing up when I am awake and not perfectly relaxed as only the anesthesia can cause. It was the strangest thing, he had never seen it before. He went on to start to give me a percentage as to whether or not the spot he biopsied was cancer but stopped and said we just needed to wait till Monday and get the lab results and we would go from there. He said my teeth really needed to be pulled and he can not believe the insurance will not pay for it because if we wait they will be paying for a jaw replacement.
The humanly part of me can't help but wonder how in the world he could have kept from telling Wendell and Stephanie about this really strange, weird thing that he had never experienced before!!!! I can't help but wonder how anyone could keep such a strange unusual phenomena to themselves!!!!
The spiritual part of me knows it does not matter. I finally have peace over this lump!!!!
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!!! Thank-you Peggy, and Jen, and April, and Rachel, and Teresa, and Willie for your uplifting comments and for your prayers!!!! It meant so much to me to hear from each of you and know "humanly" I am still not alone, I have great friends!!!! Thank-You, Thank-You, Thank-You!!!!
I will try to give an update when I get the lab results back!!!!