Sunday, February 14, 2010

Wanting only My will...

I had called Stephanie on our way back from Nashville the other day and asked her to update my blog since I knew it would be so late when we got home. Since she gave the update it has took me awhile to blog again. Sorry :(
I was so nervous waiting on that appointment. Not knowing what I was going to be told. I was able to hold back my emotions until we were leaving the office. Then I let go and cried. I thanked the Lord every few minutes on the ride home. I had wondered on the way out there what the ride home would be like. Needless to say it was a JOYOUS one!!!!
At the time of that appointment, all I wanted to hear was it was not the cancer back so soon, once I heard those words it didn't matter to me what it actually was, so I didn't ask a whole lot of questions. The radiation has caused the skin to come off my jaw bone, in this spot. The place was about the size of a pencil eraser, but has expanded since, and now is a little bigger than a nickel. At the time I thought the soreness in my mouth was from thrush but now that the thrush is gone I realize it is from this place. I got to the point last week where I couldn't eat much of anything, it hurt so bad. I lost three pounds, which a year ago would have made me happy, now it is so hard for me to eat and get the proper nutrition that losing even a pound or two is concerning for me. To keep my immune system up I have to force myself to eat. Wendell was able to contact my Doctor and get me some pain medication and some Lydicane to numb my mouth. He takes such great care of me!!!! I am now able to numb my mouth enough to eat some.
This cancer has changed my life in so many ways, physically and mentally. From time to time I do find myself having pity parties for myself over the physical changes this cancer has caused. I honestly try not to have these parties often or to let them last too long!!! I know my blessings far out weigh any of the negative things this cancer has caused. The Lord has truly been good to me. His grace has been sufficient. I am beginning to realize, however, the constant fear of it coming back will be something I am going to have to learn to live with. Now, every little ache or pain or anything physically unusual brings on the fear that the cancer could be back. I know all the logical things like... my life is in God's hands and His Grace Will be sufficient...and I truly believe these things...but I haven't, as of yet, learned how to not be fearful. I am not afraid of dying. I am, however, terrified of suffering. It was so easy before to turn it completely over to God. Now that I have experienced some of the physical suffering that I have experienced, and would never have imagined, I must admit it is harder to pray as I did before... "No matter what, Thy will be done." Last week all I wanted was MY will... for it NOT to be cancer.I had no peace and I was terrified. You know, just now, as I am writing this, I am realizing something!!!! I was absolutely terrified last week. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think of anything else. the terror consumed me.I had never felt that way before. I never felt that way during any moment of the last year. It is now, right now, becoming more clear to me. When I totally surrendered to God's will, with that surrender came a peace. Wanting only "my" will brought no peace. Desiring and surrendering totally to His will, came with peace and grace!!! We serve an amazing God!!!!

1 comment:

Karen Crabtree said...

Debbie,
Love you friend,
Karen