Monday, March 15, 2010

I'll Take Boring!!!

I haven't written a post in awhile, not because I have been busy, but because my life has somewhat returned to normal, and my normal is probably very boring to any one else. However, I will take "boring" over the "excitement" of the last year any day!!!!
I went to a dermatologist on the 9th for the place on my arm I had mentioned in an earlier post. It turned out to be Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I went back and had it cut out and will go back tomorrow to have the stitches removed. The place was small but he cut out quite a bit, I had to have eleven stitches. The good thing was it was on my left arm, the one already deformed from my previous surgery!!! I have now found a small knot on the right side of my neck, I will ask him about tomorrow. After all I have experienced over the past year every little bump or pain seems to trigger a response in me now. I just try to continue to pray and ask the Lord for His will to be done and most of all for the grace to make it from day to day.
I also go tomorrow for blood work in anticipation of my up coming PET Scan which is scheduled for April 6th.
As time goes on, I find myself living life with a very different attitude than I had before cancer. When I was first diagnosed it was so easy for me to just pray and turn it all over to God and know His will would be the best for me. Now having gone through all I have gone through there is always the fear, of the cancer returning, lingering in the back of my mind. I know if it does God's grace will still be sufficient for me, but I can't help but be a little scared now that I know what physical suffering is like. I am not afraid of dying. I don't wish to die. I want to live here with my family as long as the Lord allows. But I am afraid of physical suffering. I know I have probably spent way too much time on the Internet researching oral cancer, because now I know more than I wish to, of the possibilities.
As far as my physical state right now.... I still struggle with swallowing. I eat mostly soft foods, but I can eat a little chicken or steak if I cut it in very small bites and "wash" it down with gravy or mashed potatoes or pinto bean juice!!!! I still can't eat pizza or burgers or bread or chips, so fast food is not an option for me when we go out. I have to go somewhere where potatoes are fixed in ways other than french fried!!! I wasn't able to eat anything acidy, like ketchup or dressings because it would for some reason burn my mouth. But that seems to be getting a little better. I was even able to drink a few sips of a beloved Diet Coke the other day!!!!! My arm and leg, (where they took the graphs), although they look awful do not give me any problem at all. The only place I still experience pain is in my jaws, teeth, and ears, but pain meds take care of that. My speech is understandable unless I talk too fast, but I have been thought to be mentally challenged by some when I open my mouth and speak!!! I must admit there have been a few times when I have felt a little self conscious over my speech but for the most part I am able to laugh about it. I still have the port in my chest where they administered the chemo and I can't wait to get it out!!! The chemo doc told me to leave it in until I have had two clean PET Scans. My second one is coming up soon so hopefully......

1 comment:

Karen Crabtree said...

Haven't talked to you lately, but I think of you all the time. I am so glad you are doing better. The eating will probably get better as time goes on. I am very proud of you and how you have managed to deal with the past 2 years. It makes me happy to know you have got to this point. You know we love you and are here for you.
Karen & family