Saturday, March 19, 2011
Well, I went this past Wednesday for the most dreaded test....a colonoscopy. I have had problems for years, even before the cancer, but was way to scared to go for the test. I now feel as if I have no choice, in order to keep my sanity I MUST get to the root of my on going health issues. I have SEVERE constipation and am unable to use the bathroom without taking medication first and even then it is a major ordeal!!! I am nauseated frequently, I have absolutely no energy, I have severe bone and joint pain, I have night sweats that force me to the shower in the middle of the night, I have low grade fevers about three times a week, and I also itch constantly (the itching may be due to the meds. it's hard to be sure.) Anyway, I am finding it increasingly hard to deal with all these issues. I spend at least three days a week layed up, feeling miserable. The medicine they give, to clean you out before the test, is noooo fun!!! Since I have problems anyway, I was very miserable the day before and the morning of the test. I was feeling pretty emotional and told Wendell I felt as if I could deal with anything they found, except to hear they found nothing. I KNOW that sounds crazy, but in my discouraged state of mind, I felt as if this test was my last hope to get to the bottom of these issues. If they found something we could work on making it better, if they found nothing, then what? They found nothing. I know the nurses probably thought I was crazy, they were sooo sweet. I couldn't hold back the tears when they told me the results. I am just having a very hard time dealing with feeling so miserable everyday. I was never sick before the cancer, now I never feel well. I do want to say the test is nothing, if you are in need of having a colonoscopy don't waste time thinking twice about it. They knocked me out before they took me in for the test and I knew nothing until they woke me up afterwards. I had no aftereffects at all, I can't even tell I had anything done. So if you need one, take it from a very big chicken, there is nothing to it!!! As far as my issues go, I feel as if I am at a loss right now. I feel miserable most days. The night sweats have actually turned into all day sweats. I can't explain how this makes you feel, it's just a miserable feeling. When I am feeling so miserable I know I am miserable to be around. My poor family :( Part of me wants to just give up and live with it but there is the other part of me that knows this is not the way to live, if there is anything I can do to improve the situation. I feel as if all I ever do now is complain. When I was dealing with the cancer, it was like being on a mission to destroy it. I felt like I was being pro active, even though the treatments were hard to deal with, I knew I was making progress to get better. Now that the cancer is gone, I am left feeling a little hopeless not knowing what the root of the problems are or how to make them better. I don't know if these symptoms are the after effects of the radiation and chemo, or if they are something new. I just know I hate feeling and acting so miserable. I hate feeling as if all I do is complain. But my symptoms are very real and are getting really hard to live with. I am praying the Lord will show me the direction I need to go.