Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Well, it has been a pretty eventful couple of weeks!!! Saturday, a week ago, we had Stephanie, Michael, Papaw Tom, and Granny & Papaw Ruppe over for dinner. Wendell cooked tacos, which I can not eat very well, so I had a bagel instead!!! About an hour after everyone left, I began to feel very nauseous. I had acquired my first stomach virus since well before my cancer in 2009. I have been afraid of getting a virus because my mouth will only open about a half an inch. I have been terrified that if I began to vomit I would asphyxiate and choke to death!!! Well, my fears have been put to rest!!! I am proud to announce that I can successfully vomit!!!! I was sick all night Saturday night and most of the day Sunday. After throwing up, the right side of my face, cheek, teeth, bones and gums hurt so bad I was unable to function. I sat in the house, in my recliner, all week, in tears off and on because of the pain. I do have some medication to help with pain but it wasn't even dulling it!!! Wendell had made me an appointment in Oak Ridge on Friday, at the Hypoberic Oxygen Treatment Facility (HBO). To try and make a long story short.....My teeth are all rotten because of the radiation. I need to have HBO treatments and then have all my teeth pulled and then get implants. I can not get dentures because I am missing a lot of bone and gum from my previous cancer surgeries. The total cost for the things I need to have done is in the neighborhood of $30,000.00. I do not have dental insurance. My health insurance is refusing to pay for the things I need to have done because they are saying it is dental not medical, even though it was medical issues that have caused the problems. (Just as a footnote, we pay $679.00 per month for this wonderful medical insurance!!!!) Anyway, Wendell has been working feverishly with the doctors and insurance trying to appeal their decision not to cover these expenses. PLEASE help us pray that they will have a change of heart and pay for the things I need done. My teeth are so rotten that I am in continuous pain and find it hard to function. Without the HBO treatments and the work I need done, my jaw bone is, and will continue, to deteriorate. If I do not get these things done soon they will have to take bone from my hip to replace my jaw bone at which point it will be considered medical and will cost my insurance some where in the neighborhood of a half a million dollars!!!! Not to mention the added pain I will endure!!!! It only makes logical since that they would cover the work now instead of waiting to the point where it will take extreme measures and dollars to fix the problem!!! Please help us pray. Wendell had me scheduled for an appointment in Oak Ridge at the HBO facility last Friday, for a consultation and to get them on board writing letters to help with my insurance appeal. I was in so much pain that I at times could not hold back the tears. The Oral surgeon that is willing to do the implants has his office in Oak Ridge. After leaving the HBO place I asked Wendell to take me to the oral surgeons office to see if maybe it was just one tooth causing me all the pain right now, and maybe he could somehow help me with the pain. I couldn't imagine going through another day in so much pain. I was at my breaking point. The oral surgeon took x-rays and determined that although my teeth are in terrible shape, there is something showing up in my sinuses on the right side where I am having all the pain. He said he has no ideal what it is. I asked if if could be cancer and he said yes. He said that I need to go back to Nashville to see Dr. Netterville as soon as possible. Wendell called Nashville and Dr. Netterville is out of the country and won't be back for three weeks. They said I could come out there and go through the ER and one of Dr. Netterville's colleagues would see me that way. Well, I could not have imagined driving all the way to Nashville and then sitting in the ER for hours waiting to be seen when I was in so much pain, and at that point, mental anguish!!! So I ended up taking my x-rays and going to see my family doctor that afternoon. He said there is no way of telling exactly what is showing up in my sinuses without doing a CT scan. For now he prescribed me more antibiotics and something to help with the pain. His theory is....(pretty gross)....When I was throwing up, some of my stomach content could have gotten into my sinus cavity. I was in so much pain I failed to ask how it would come out!!! Wendell asked a nurse that came in the store and she told him, it will get (or is) infected and the antibiotics will help clear up the infection and the contents will rot and eventually drain.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Yes, I Am Alive

Yes, I am still alive!!!!
I realize I haven’t written here in quite a long time. I have thought about writing many times, I have had much to say and to talk about. I have even been given topics of discussion from loved ones….such as what a wonderful sister in law I have!!!! (Which I do) I will leave it to the imagination as to who suggested that topic!!!!
The truth is…I have always been truthful here, as I have written about how I was living and feeling. I have been in a place for the last three months or so where I have been afraid to write honestly about what I have been feeling. So I have chosen to remain silent and not write here about my feelings.
I have not been in a good place. I have been in a place of deep depression or more accurately a place of grieving. The reason I had chosen not to write about it here was for fear I would be judged harshly by those that might not understand. I know there are some that would feel as if I should just “Get over it” “You are alive “ “how in the world could you be depressed” and worst of all “why are you not praying and trusting God”. Well, to answer some of these thoughts before they are voiced here….Believe me I have prayed, but I know God sometimes allows us to go through these valleys for a reason. He doesn’t always choose to lift us out and set us on sunny ground. Sometimes He chooses to let us walk there for our good and His Glory in the end. I know that there are times that we go through things that we don’t understand, but that help us later on in life with things we face. This may also just be a dark time in my life to help teach me compassion for others when they walk the same or a similar path.

Sometimes we just need to grieve our loss. Yes, I have been blessed beyond measure in many, many, ways over the past few years. I fought and was given life back. The life I was given back, to me is far from the life I knew before. Yes, I am alive and getting to be here with my family, for which I am immeasurably thankful!!!! But my life has changed and I have had a lot of losses that I had not faced up to because of the fight for my life that now I have been forced to recognize. I have had more loss in the last couple of years than I have ever had in my life.
I feel as if I am emerging now from the throws of this grief and depression. I have certainly not fully emerged…but I am definetly on my way up!!! I am at a place now where I feel as if I can share my experiences here with you. So that is what I really hope to do in the coming days.

So just to update you…This is where I have been and why I have been silent here on this blog. I now plan to divulge what I have been going through in future posts here. So, If you are interested…stay tuned…I do have things to say.

15 Mine eyes are ever toward the LORD; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net.
16 Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses.
18 Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins.
19 Consider mine enemies; for they are many; and they hate me with cruel hatred.
20 O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.
21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.
22 Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.
Psalms 25:15-22 KJV