Results!!!

ALL CLEAR!!!! The results from my six month PET Scan. As a matter of fact he said this one looked even better than the last one. I guess that just means everything had healed!!!! I will still have a scan every three months for the rest of the year. He said the first year is pretty critical, if all goes well then I will be scheduled for a new scan every six months. THANKS for the prayers!!! My relief is great!!!!

I'm No Longer Afraid Of The Dentist!

Well my wondering mind has been put to rest over one concern I have had...I have often wondered what would happen if I needed to have dental work done....since my mouth will only open about a half an inch, I have had a hard time understanding how anything could possibly be done. I broke a tooth, about six months before my cancer diagnosis, it hurt for a couple of days then quit and I hadn't had any problem with it since. Because of my lifelong TERROR of dentist's and oral surgeries I just let it go!!! That terror has kept me from going to a dentist for 30 years now!!! Funny how things work sometimes huh!!! Of all the types of cancers to acquire, mine would be oral!!! LOL!!! I have to admit I no longer have a fear of dentists, needles or even the relatively simple surgery to remove a tooth!!!! Anyway, the weekend before Easter that tooth began aching so bad it brought me to tears!!! I ate pain meds like candy all weekend and went to a dentist first thing Monday morning. He was unable to do anything, so he referred me to an oral surgeon and assured me he would be able to help me. Long story short, the oral surgeon has assured me he will be able to remove the tooth, he will shave it off first to create more room and that should allow him enough room to remove the roots. YEAH!!!! He prescribed antibiotics for me but agreed with my desire to wait until after my PET Scan to do the surgery. I don't want anything questionable to show up on the PET Scan, so, I will not have the tooth removed until next Tuesday April 13th.
I had a PET Scan yesterday and will go today at 1:15 for the results. I have to admit it is a little nerve racking waiting to hear the results. I know the drill....I do ok until... I get into the exam room...waiting on the Doctor...then I become a nervous wreck!!! During this time...Wendell likes to talk...about the weather, the store, and a million other topics, that seem at that point in time unimportant to me! LOL!!! I on the other hand don't like to talk, I just want to sit there being a nervous wreck until the doctor comes in and declares me CANCER FREE!!!! Oh well, I guess we all have our different ways of dealing with things!!! I wonder if this process will ever become easier? It's so wierd going to different appointments and seeing the signs outside the buildings and on the office doors that declare those particular buildings some form of "Cancer" centers. I had an overwhelming since of hate wash over me yesterday for that word, when I saw it on the door I was fixing to enter. The emotion surprised me, but I couldn't help it. It is a wierd sensation when that is no longer just a word to you but a part of your life, day in and day out, you never really get away from it. Uncertainty is the forefront thought. Then I walk in these places and see others, mostly older than myself, in different stages of treatments. Sometimes you have to fight really hard not to lose your joy. Seeing so many others around you suffering, is something hard to forget or place in the back portion of your mind. It's funny how "Cancer" has a look. You become able to spot it even from a distance.
My hair is getting really thick but not very long. The look is one that I have not been very fond of!!! I thought about going to a stylist to see if they could do anything to make it look better, but the thought of them cutting one single hair sends shivers down my spine!!!!LOL!!! So I got the moose bottle out the other day and applied it generously:) The look is different!!! I laughingly refered to it as "My Ellen Degenerous" look!!! (Because of my broad shoulders and boyish build I have never liked short hair on me. I feel like it makes me look manly!!!) Now Wendell and the girls no longer refer to me as "Mom" they now call me Ellen!!! They always know how to bring my joy back!!! Whether it's mocking my speech or making fun of my weight, or hair, or my sometimes surprisingly emotional state, they have a way of bringing laughter back into my life!!! They are a huge part of my joy in this world!!!! I couldn't have survived without them!!!
If you have a spare moment today please say a little prayer for me and Wendell. What ever the results I know God's amazing grace will be sufficient.

The Two Dates That Have Forever Changed My Life.

Here I am, one year later. The one year anniversary of the two dates that have forever changed me, my life, are here. March 23rd and March 24th 2009, are dates that are forever engraved on my brain. I remember vividly March 22 of last year. It was a Sunday. I went to bed that night, having a hard time falling to sleep, planning everything I needed to accomplish the next day before we headed to Nashville to spend Monday night in preperation of my first cancer surgery on Tuesday March, 24. I have thought a lot about that Sunday night lately. I have thought a lot about how we make plans for our lives, we think about the things we plan to accomplish, what order we will do things in...when we will be done. There is a song that Breaking Ground sings, that talks about just these things. I may not have it word for word but it goes something like this...
"It's funny how we do it, Make plans for our lives. We plan for success and try to pass the pain right by. But it just doesn't work that way, God has a different plan, He works in ways we never see, beyond the scope of man. When the journey takes a detour unexpectedly and I try to accept and understand what it all means. When I'm pressed to show the world what I really believe, I will trust you Lord...With my life."
I have to fight to keep my emotions in check everytime I hear this song. It describes how I have felt over this past year. March 23, 2009 is a date that my life began to take an unexpected detour, one that If I tried to understand it or make since out of it, I would have a difficult time. I can remember so many times sitting in Church listening to Bro. Jones preach to those with broken hearts and those facing difficult trials in their lives. I remember thanking God for my life and His blessings and knowing that although it was not me at that moment the message was meant for, It could very well be me one day in the future.
That Sunday night last year, as I laid there making plans in my mind, I had no idea those plans were to become so insignificant within a few short hours. I had called and talked to my Dad earlier that day and knew my Mom still had a terrible headache that she had had for several days. That Sunday night around midnight Dad called to tell Wendell he had taken Mom to the hospital and he would keep us informed. Every other time anyone in my family was taken to the hospital I would have immediately went. This time I didn't. We did not know how serious it was at that time. After a pretty sleepless night, we found out through phone calls early Monday morning that they thought Mom had had a stroke. Wendell and I immediately headed up there. By the time we got there Mom was already on life support. She went to be with the Lord that Monday night March 23, 2009 at about 7:00 p.m.
My family insisted I go ahead with my surgery, the cancer had grown a lot since my surgery was first scheduled and if I cancelled, it would be several weeks before I could reschedule. The threat of the cancer spreading more within that time frame was real. Dad let me know he wanted me to go ahead and he would wait to have Mom's services until I got back. Part of me felt almost selfish in going ahead with the surgery but there was the part that thought my kids needed me around and I didn't want the cancer to spread even more. So Wendell and I left the hospital that night, drove home, packed our bags and left for Nashville around 10:00 p.m. It was a long drive. We were both exhausted and almost in a numb state. I remember telling him, on the drive out, that I know God has a reason, but I was sure having a hard time understanding what it was...why this order of events?
Since that time I have to say I still don't understand everything but He has revealed some things to me. I miss my Mom terribly. I was on so much medication over the past year that I find myself grieving even more now, than I did then. I guess if there is a blessing in this that I can partially understand right now, it is the fact that she didn't have to see me suffer through all the cancer "stuff". Being a Mother myself and knowing the love that a Mother has for her children I am glad she didn't have to endure seeing me in the shape I was in. My Mom was such a beautiful, young looking, vibrant woman, that I never dreamed she would leave us at such a relatively young age. She was just 66.
Then of course the other date, March 24, 2009 was the date of my first cancer surgery which has definately changed life as I knew it!!! I guess if there was one thing I miss the most, more than pizza or breads, it would be the ability to sing!!! Ok, before those that know me well, start cracking the jokes...I didn't say sing WELL!!! I just said sing!!! When our Church congregation is all standing singing a hymn I guess I miss being able to join in more than anything else.
But, all in all, as I sit in Church and listen to Brother Jones preach to those with a broken heart or those that are going through a trial in there life right now, I thank God for my life and His blessings and I know that although the message is not meant for me at this moment, It could very well be, one day in the future.

I'll Take Boring!!!

I haven't written a post in awhile, not because I have been busy, but because my life has somewhat returned to normal, and my normal is probably very boring to any one else. However, I will take "boring" over the "excitement" of the last year any day!!!!
I went to a dermatologist on the 9th for the place on my arm I had mentioned in an earlier post. It turned out to be Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I went back and had it cut out and will go back tomorrow to have the stitches removed. The place was small but he cut out quite a bit, I had to have eleven stitches. The good thing was it was on my left arm, the one already deformed from my previous surgery!!! I have now found a small knot on the right side of my neck, I will ask him about tomorrow. After all I have experienced over the past year every little bump or pain seems to trigger a response in me now. I just try to continue to pray and ask the Lord for His will to be done and most of all for the grace to make it from day to day.
I also go tomorrow for blood work in anticipation of my up coming PET Scan which is scheduled for April 6th.
As time goes on, I find myself living life with a very different attitude than I had before cancer. When I was first diagnosed it was so easy for me to just pray and turn it all over to God and know His will would be the best for me. Now having gone through all I have gone through there is always the fear, of the cancer returning, lingering in the back of my mind. I know if it does God's grace will still be sufficient for me, but I can't help but be a little scared now that I know what physical suffering is like. I am not afraid of dying. I don't wish to die. I want to live here with my family as long as the Lord allows. But I am afraid of physical suffering. I know I have probably spent way too much time on the Internet researching oral cancer, because now I know more than I wish to, of the possibilities.
As far as my physical state right now.... I still struggle with swallowing. I eat mostly soft foods, but I can eat a little chicken or steak if I cut it in very small bites and "wash" it down with gravy or mashed potatoes or pinto bean juice!!!! I still can't eat pizza or burgers or bread or chips, so fast food is not an option for me when we go out. I have to go somewhere where potatoes are fixed in ways other than french fried!!! I wasn't able to eat anything acidy, like ketchup or dressings because it would for some reason burn my mouth. But that seems to be getting a little better. I was even able to drink a few sips of a beloved Diet Coke the other day!!!!! My arm and leg, (where they took the graphs), although they look awful do not give me any problem at all. The only place I still experience pain is in my jaws, teeth, and ears, but pain meds take care of that. My speech is understandable unless I talk too fast, but I have been thought to be mentally challenged by some when I open my mouth and speak!!! I must admit there have been a few times when I have felt a little self conscious over my speech but for the most part I am able to laugh about it. I still have the port in my chest where they administered the chemo and I can't wait to get it out!!! The chemo doc told me to leave it in until I have had two clean PET Scans. My second one is coming up soon so hopefully......

Wanting only My will...

I had called Stephanie on our way back from Nashville the other day and asked her to update my blog since I knew it would be so late when we got home. Since she gave the update it has took me awhile to blog again. Sorry :(
I was so nervous waiting on that appointment. Not knowing what I was going to be told. I was able to hold back my emotions until we were leaving the office. Then I let go and cried. I thanked the Lord every few minutes on the ride home. I had wondered on the way out there what the ride home would be like. Needless to say it was a JOYOUS one!!!!
At the time of that appointment, all I wanted to hear was it was not the cancer back so soon, once I heard those words it didn't matter to me what it actually was, so I didn't ask a whole lot of questions. The radiation has caused the skin to come off my jaw bone, in this spot. The place was about the size of a pencil eraser, but has expanded since, and now is a little bigger than a nickel. At the time I thought the soreness in my mouth was from thrush but now that the thrush is gone I realize it is from this place. I got to the point last week where I couldn't eat much of anything, it hurt so bad. I lost three pounds, which a year ago would have made me happy, now it is so hard for me to eat and get the proper nutrition that losing even a pound or two is concerning for me. To keep my immune system up I have to force myself to eat. Wendell was able to contact my Doctor and get me some pain medication and some Lydicane to numb my mouth. He takes such great care of me!!!! I am now able to numb my mouth enough to eat some.
This cancer has changed my life in so many ways, physically and mentally. From time to time I do find myself having pity parties for myself over the physical changes this cancer has caused. I honestly try not to have these parties often or to let them last too long!!! I know my blessings far out weigh any of the negative things this cancer has caused. The Lord has truly been good to me. His grace has been sufficient. I am beginning to realize, however, the constant fear of it coming back will be something I am going to have to learn to live with. Now, every little ache or pain or anything physically unusual brings on the fear that the cancer could be back. I know all the logical things like... my life is in God's hands and His Grace Will be sufficient...and I truly believe these things...but I haven't, as of yet, learned how to not be fearful. I am not afraid of dying. I am, however, terrified of suffering. It was so easy before to turn it completely over to God. Now that I have experienced some of the physical suffering that I have experienced, and would never have imagined, I must admit it is harder to pray as I did before... "No matter what, Thy will be done." Last week all I wanted was MY will... for it NOT to be cancer.I had no peace and I was terrified. You know, just now, as I am writing this, I am realizing something!!!! I was absolutely terrified last week. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think of anything else. the terror consumed me.I had never felt that way before. I never felt that way during any moment of the last year. It is now, right now, becoming more clear to me. When I totally surrendered to God's will, with that surrender came a peace. Wanting only "my" will brought no peace. Desiring and surrendering totally to His will, came with peace and grace!!! We serve an amazing God!!!!

Good News

This is Stephanie. Mom wanted me to post for her. The doctor said the hard white spot was just exposed bone from where the radiation has affected her gums. I'm sure she'll post more later when she gets home tonight.

Please Pray, I am Terrified.

I am coming to you today to once again ask you to pray for me. I am at a point where I am unable to even pray for myself. Only those who have been in the deepest of valleys can understand this.
I found a lump on my jaw the other day. At first I thought it was just thrush. It's hard to see since my mouth doesn't open very wide. I don't know how long it has been there. It's white and very hard. I am terrified. I wish I could say I wasn't but I am. The last time I was at Dr. Nettervilles office, I met a man who had his bottom jaw removed because of cancer. My mind keeps going back to him and our conversation. I am terrified.
Wendell has got me a very hard to get appointment in Nashville for today. Dr. Netterville is in surgery all day so I will be seeing his assistant. My appointment time is 2:00 Central time, 3:00 eastern time. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!!
I know God's grace has been sufficient in the past. I know that it can be sufficient for now and in the future. I need that grace more now than ever.
I will report here when we get back tonight but it will be very late.
Please, please pray for me.