Friday, October 30, 2009

An Emotional Day

A week full of ups and downs, mentally and physically. You know, as I have tried to relay in this blog from the beginning, I know God has a purpose in everything He is working in my life. I know His ways are higher than anything I could imagine or even desire for myself. His grace from the beginning has been sufficient. When I have been overwhelmed He has shown through. Sometimes just opening my eyes and letting me see, sometimes through the words or gifts of a friend or family member, sometimes by just glancing at a stranger in their own situation. But one way or another His grace has been sufficient. Our lives can change so drastically, without notice, without warning, without choice. Years of "normal" are no longer the "real normal". Life, or at least my out look on life, has changed over the last year, never, I'm sure, to go back to the "old outlook". Once again at the end of the day today I can stand and say God is sooo good to me. I am not alone. He has cared for me.
This blog entry may seem a little strange today, today has been kind of a strange day for me. Emotionally this journey has been long at times. I have known all along My God is in control and whether my desires are being met does not mean the very best God has is not being done for me. His ways are higher than mine, even though in my finite mind I sometimes question, But oh how faithful He has been!!!
I have been experiencing bad night sweats for several weeks now that make for pretty restless, sleepless nights. I got up twice in the middle of the night last night and took a shower!!! I think they might be a result of the strong antibiotics I have been on. I am through with them now so maybe the sweats will go also!!!! I had a check up appointment with Dr. Boppanna, the radiation oncologist, yesterday. Everything is going fine from his perspective. He will schedule a PET scan in a few weeks just to make cancer....
I don't know what was going on with my Whew!!! My poor family. I honestly don't feel I have been that emotional on this journey until the last few weeks and something has happened!!! The flood gates were opened and the stop gate is hard to find!!!! I really believe it has a lot to do with the strong medications I have been on and the result of coming off them!!!! At least I hope so!!! Boy this would be a BAD new normal!!!!HAHA
Wendell had gone to work today, Kiah was at school, and Jess and Punky had the great privilege of being here with me today. As I sit here tonight, feeling ok, I can't help but grin just a little at the absurdity of the day today and how totally at a loss Jess and Punky must have felt at my babbling!!!! Like I said before, I think it has a lot to do with the medications at least I hope so!!!! I was an emotional wreck for most of the day today. The flood gates opened and I was ill-controlled to stop them. Physically I just felt miserable, Mentally I was way past physco!!!! I, now in a perfectly normal state, (for me anyway), can see myself laying in bed unable to control my emotions, (translation = crying like a baby), and Jess and Punky standing at my bedside ready, waiting, eager, desiring to do anything and everything that would help restore my sanity!!!! My poor family!!! They are sooo precious!!!! They have been through so much!!!! I am soooooo Blesssed to have them. Finally, after more meds I was able to sleep most of the day and feel fine tonight, other than the guilt of my making them feel so helpless today. Sorry girls!!! I Love you sooo much. Thank you for taking such good care of me.


Tiffany R said...

It's all good....You may be SUPER crazy at times, but we can handle it;) We have our own way of getting together and laughing it off so we don't lose our sanity along with you;) JUST KIDDING....We have to stick together though! Hope you sleep good tonight!

Karen Crabtree said...

Hey, your family loves you and so do we. We all understand how hard it has been for you. Your body has been through so much, so don't be too hard on yourself!! Take care!!
Karen & family